When Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth was over yesterday taking tintypes of the newborn burro (since christened Hiawatha Self-Howitzer), Justice Minotaur asked if she would be willing to write a regular column for this blog. He said this would hopefully “spice up” what has become a “bland and loathsome brew,” but secretly Mr. Cornwall believes Minotaur is trying to court her. In any case, the new department, to be called “Scientifica Factualis,” aims, in the words of Cottonmouth, to “throw off the cloak of subjectivity and self-centered indulgence that are the stock in trade of personal blogs and provide only those glimpses into quotidian life that are factual, concise, and broadly representative.”
It is intended that Cottonmouth will provide her copy to Cornwall, who, despite Minotaur’s alleged disappointment with the blog, is still the only one he is willing to share the password with (hint: it is the name of an American vice president–the hackers will never guess it!). Cornwall will then post the copy here. He has been charged to post it “ungarnished and without misrepresentation.” The first installment follows.
I went to a Burger King restaurant today, restaurant number 1512. This is the franchise that has recently cut ties with the fictional mascot-king who was its uncertain, awkward, and sometimes disturbing standard-bearer for so many years. I was there twelve hours and three minutes. I sat in an uncomfortable chair as close to the cash registers as possible, observing as much as I could. I had to go to the bathroom really bad because I had quaffed a half-gallon of buttermilk before arriving and then kept drinking steadily thereafter. They have one of the new Coke machines that mixes the different flavors for you. I believe the machine has taken my agency from me. But I did not want to get up; did not want to miss a moment.
Scientifica factualis: Of the thirteen people who ordered the Big King hamburger sandwich in this period in the dining room, twelve of them ordered it using this precise wording: “Oh, what the heck, I guess I’ll take the Big King.”