Journal Entry: Cousin Wedding

Journal entry, 5/14/14: Justice Minotaur attended the wedding today of a cousin of his, Leah Pies. Actually, the wedding was of two cousins, Pies and Caspian Fatigues, who evidently did not know they were cousins until each of them introduced the other to their only living grandfather, who was one and the same person, Colonel Tribal Mustard, who was also the preacher who married them.

At a lunch immediately after the exchange of vows (which was done in some kind of moonman language), there was an opportunity for guests to say something into what was called an “open” microphone. Minotaur arose and advised the couple to eat fresh game diurnally and demonstrated the Grecian bend posture. He then presented his gift to the bride, a set of custom-made trading cards for twenty-four different Rambouillet sheep on Mintotaur’s ranch. The front of each card was a dagguerotype of each beast; the reverse gave biographical and statistical data, such as name, birth date, projected savoriness of meat, handedness, and any special powers.

The photography session after the lunch was the length of a bad epic poem. Nearly every possible combination of individuals was photographed separately. Combinations included the following:
-the children, the florist, and the uncles
-the bridesmaids, any prediabetic individuals, and the limo driver
-the organist, the caterer, and the person who would have been the best man if the other one had not accepted
-Colonel Mustard with the preacher
-the bride, the groom, and any elves


Journal Entry: Eagle Scout Project

Journal entry, 4/30/14: Justice Minotaur’s nephew Mickey-Tell Imaginations is about to turn 18 and so suddenly has shown great interest in completing the requirements for his Eagle Scout Award. Perhaps some of the urgency is related to the fact that the New Salem Armed Militia by law has power to conscript any man, woman, or child of any age without explanation other than those who are Eagle Scouts, who are protected from military service because “surely they must be vital to commerce and other nonmilitary activities of this nation-state.”

To announce and solicit help with his Eagle project, Imaginations has prepared and distributed a flier on salmon-colored sheets of paper with irregular measurements approximating the rectangular, probably the result of a combination of hasty cutting and a dull paper cutter (and probably a dimwitted operator). The text of the flier reads exactly as follows:

Attention allvgentlemen,

Mickey-Tell Imaginations, the long-haired neighbor boy who is no longer trying to teach your daughter how to smoke, desires to complete his Eagle project. This matter is of the utmost urgency and your careful attention to this handbill is requested.

The statement of the Project is to obtain donations for the nursery at the Two-by-Two Racially Discriminatory Petting Zoo. As you know, the ZOo is for children, but there is an area cordoned off with chicken wire where the smallest children–those who crawl and do not speak or who may too easily be swallowed up by the zoo pets– can be placed so that adults can relax. This is the area at issue to the Project.

This coming Saturday, Mr. Imaginations, accompanied by such Scouts and other persons who shall be invited to participate and who shall accept, shall present himself on your front porch at the crowing of the cock and would ask that you are prepared to donate via himself to the zoo nursery one or more of the following items:–

-Dolls of Wes Studi or Ken Watanabe
-Deceased creatures that once dwelled in a terrarium
-Foreign money, especially rubles

You are encouraged to consult with your tax professional as to the deductibility of the value of any donations you may voluntarily make to this deserving Cause.