Journal Entry: Subway Restaurant

Journal entry, 7/28/14: Justice Minotaur and Mr. Cornwall dined late last evening at a nearby location of the restaurant called “Subway.” The following exchange ensued between the employee working the sandwich counter and Minotaur:

Employee: “Welcome to Subway. What can I make for you?”

Minotaur: “I am given to understand that you will make a sandwich to my exact specifications, is that correct?”

Employee: “Yes, that is right. We make it your way!”

Minotaur: “OK, then, the first thing I want you to do is to remove the hygienic gloves before making my sandwich. And then I want  you to pick up one of those wheat buns and just kind of hold it like it’s a pet that has returned home after being lost.”

At this point, the employee said she needed to call her manager, and she went into the back of the store. A couple of minutes later Minotaur and Cornwall heard the screeching of tires and looked out the window to see her bolting from the premises in a 1989 Ford Probe. Minotaur then went behind the counter, removed his shirt, donned an apron, and proceeded to make sandwiches for customers for the next hour or so until the store’s regular closing time.

At 10:00 p.m., when it was time for the store to close and there were no customers around, Minotaur called the police on the store phone and, placing a sandwich wrapper over the mouthpiece to disguise his voice, reported that a “flaming meteor” had landed on the restaurant. “That will get the police over here so the place can be closed up properly. Someone has got to sweep and wash around here, and it ain’t gonna be me.” Minotaur and Cornwall then ran off on foot, into the night.

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Trip Report: New York City

Justice Minotaur and Mr. Cornwall visited New York City for four weeks in the spring of 2013, with the latter taking detailed notes on a paper grocery sack from Tamerlane’s Jug & Loaf. Upon Minotaur and Cornwall’s safe return, the notes were accidentally misplaced in the hollow of a fake cane, which Minotaur uses to pretend to be disabled when he wants to use handicapped parking spaces. Fortunately, the notes were discovered in the pretend cane this morning by an aggressive weasel.

On the trip Minotaur and Cornwall visited Central Park,  the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Jewish Museum, Neue Galerie, the Guggenheim, the National Design Museum, Times Square, Liberty Island and Ellis Island, the Museum of Modern Art, Yankee Stadium, Madison Square Garden, the New York Transit Museum, the American Museum of Natural History, the Japan Society, the Manhattan religious edifice of the Mormonite people, Flushing Meadows-Corona Park, the Bronx Zoo, the 9/11 Memorial, Prospect Park, Coney Island, Battery Park, the Admiral David Farragut gravesite, the New York Botanical Garden, Citi Field, Gantry Plaza Stake Park, Federal Hall, the Grant Memorial, Hamilton Grange, the Green-Wood Cemetery, the African Burial Ground, the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, the New York Earth Room, Governor’s Island, 5Pointz, BLDG 92, Socrates Sculpture Park, the New York Aquarium, the Old Stone House, the 69th Regiment Armory, the Schomburg Center, the American Stock Exchange Building, the Apollo Theater, the Chester A. Arthur House, the Chrysler Building, the Empire State Building, and the New York Public Library. They saw a strange stage performance in which lions and other jungle beasts were imagined to have human traits and to express many of their opinions in song.

Photographs of this deeply moving vacation, tour, and emotional retreat are provided below.

Probably the inside of the right pocket of Minotaur's denim jacket, which bore the saying "That's a Clown Question, Bro" in large crimson block letters on the back.

Probably the inside of the right pocket of Minotaur’s blue Members Only jacket, which bore the saying “That’s a Clown Question, Bro” in large white block letters on the back. Photographer unknown.

Photograph of a portion of an automobile parked in front of what appeared to be an illegal petting zoo. Minotaur hoped this image could be used to bring justice to the offenders.

Photograph of a portion of an automobile parked in front of what appeared to be an illegal petting zoo. Minotaur hoped this image could be used to bring justice to one of the offenders. With more than a year having passed since then, the car has probably been repainted or sold for parts, and the offenders will probably get off scot-free. Photograph by Minotaur. Witnessed by Cornwall.

The Boeing 757 was equipped with standard warning on the back of the lavatory door,  much to the satisfaction of Justice Minotaur.

The Boeing 757 that took the travelers from Detroit to New York City on the outbound flight was equipped with standard warnings and instructions on the back of the lavatory door, much to the satisfaction of Justice Minotaur. Photograph by Cornwall. Witnessed by Minotaur.

Letter upon Death of William McKinley

Mr. Cornwall’s note: Justice Minotaur has required that Mr. Cornwall publish the following letter on this site. Minotaur says the letter is an original that has been in his family’s possession since the time it was received. He claims that his great uncle Freshness duMorgue was a secretary for United States president William McKinley and kept the letter after receiving it. The letter was for some reason addressed to duMorgue, whereas the other condolence letters from foreign leaders were sent to the White House or to the State Department. Minotaur says that duMorgue did not know McKinley had been killed until he received this letter, some two months after the assassination. Apparently duMorgue kept showing up to work and wondered where on earth McKinley was. DuMorgue kept the letter not so much for sentimental or historical value but in hopes of selling it because he realized that McKinley’s murder meant he (duMorgue) was out of a job. Apparently he could not find a buyer.

Mr. Cornwall has not been able to confirm the authenticity of the document but publishes it here in order to retain his employment.

November the 12, 1901

To the blessed and deprived people of the United States of America, Greetings from Iceland

We is so so very sorry upon the death of the man who was called your President, who has perished in such a manner as this. We offer you the condolulations. Your English does not have this word but we have fabricated it for the event. What an honor it is we pay you (wilt thou please to lift the oppressing tariffs against the importing our handmade pots?). It is what the English man, the Lewis Carroll, has frequently done with the words of the type you call the words of “blend.” We would cite you by way of sample to his “chortle,” which is as if a chortle and a snort had been combined like water mixed with flour. It is truly hilarious of him to have did this.

And now we have honored your slain king with a blend of “condolences” to your Mourning Nation and “congratulations” to the party that was opposite to him that maybe now will be able to get some bills passed through your Congress which is of the Do Nothing variety. Again, look to the tariff.

[signed]

His Majesty King Richard III (yes, named after the butcher king)

Imperial Palace, Iceland

Journal Entry: Funeral Address

Journal entry, 7/24/14: Justice Minotaur spoke today at 2:00 a.m. at the funeral of his former law clerk Crossed Shears, who died under mysterious circumstances in a Pittsburgh-themed hotel room last weekend. Minotaur agreed to speak out of some sense of obligation toward his former employee but asked that the service be held graveside in the middle of a moonless night because of his embarrassment over the direction this promising young attorney’s career had gone in the “post-Minotaur era.” Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth reported the address in textual messages sent to Mr. Cornwall, which are faithfully reproduced below:

Dispatch 1: Shears was great grandson of Crimson Shears, man who invented first bathtub drain stop. early 20th century

Dispatch 2: Little-known fact. Bathers before this time had to continually replenish water in tub as it drained right from underneath them. Like the trials of Tantalus. This was like adding insult to injury–as they also lived before the invention of Smucker’s Uncrustables.

Dispatch 3: Crossed Shears decided to leave law to become inventor. Wanted to try to best his granddaddy I guess. Next 12 years, broke himself physically emotionally financially trying to invent device that would dispense soda lids without waste. Big obstacle=Germophobes

Dispatch 4: I would say he was an Icarus who flew too close to the sun, but in all honestly he never even got off the ground.

Dispatch 5: At end was nearly insane. Was veering toward a human solution: gloved and hairless employee handing them out at the door with surgical tongs.

Dispatch 6: Journal full of references to “the dagger or the bowl.” We will never know how he died but it is certain that he died because he is lying in that box.

Journal Entry: LSAT Questions

Journal entry, 7/23/14: Because of his legal expertise, Justice Minotaur is often asked to help draft questions for either the national bar admission exam or for the LSAT, the latter of which is administered both nationally and internationally to persons applying for admission to law school. Minotaur especially enjoys contributing to the “Analytical Reasoning” section of the LSAT, which is composed of what might be considered logic puzzles. Following are the problems Minotaur submitted this morning for use in the Analytical Reasoning portion of the February 2015 international LSAT.

Problem 1. Six persons work for a business that rents vintage Yugos to daredevils. The six persons are Kerry, Kenny, Kelly, Kris, Kameron, and Seven-Jack Kim. Kerry is an Ashkenazic Jew. Kameron has never been hatless. Kelly and Kris routinely search dumpsters for leftover poultry. Kenny believes he is presently on a rocketship headed to Alpha Centauri. No one can remember the last time Seven-Jack Kim showed up to work on time. Assume a cartoon version of the movie The Graduate is being screened in a local boutique theater with subtitles in cuneiform. Which two persons are most likely to be found making out on the back row?

A. Kelly and Kris

B. Kameron and Kenny

C. Seven-Jack Kim and Pat Sajak

D. Vice Mayor Burl Ives-Tavernkeeper and his longtime partner Franita Tube

Problem 2. For purposes of this problem, assume that Wall Street attorneys and financiers have a moral compass. A Transnistrian company that specializes in making “personal shower wear for the especially modest” desires to have an IPO at some time during the year 2016. Its CEO has announced that he does not want anyone who is “either spunky or morbidly thin” to work on the transaction. Which Wall Street firm is likely to get the deal?

A. Global Impreg

B. Cub Walters & Son

C. Hindenburg Finance Team, from the People Who Brought You Kmart

D. The Dahmer Group

Problem 3. Assume the same facts as problem 1 except that the problem is set in the time of Oliver Cromwell. Also assume your name is Morty and you wear lotion socks nightly. Which of the following is most likely to occur?

A. Seven-Jack Kim shows up to work on time, but only because she forgot to adjust her watch for daylight savings

B. Burl Ives is eaten by a coelophysis while shooting a sequel for Summer Magic

C. Kameron reveals an interest in mumblety-peg

D. Nabisco comes out with a new flavor of Ritz™ crackers inspired by the First Sino-Japanese War

Problem 4. You are the head officer of Suleman United Kingdom, LLC (NYSE: SUK), a toy company whose executive team is structured like that of an ancient fiefdom. At your latest leadership meeting, you learned the following: Sales of Bruce Lee and Brandon Lee May-They-Rest-in-Peace Fingercuffs™ are down 17 percent from the prior year. The Pretendo Slimo™ market in South America is “very hot, like unto an oven that is turned up very high until it is just completely roasting hot.” On average, two fights a day break out at U.S. schoolyards among children playing with your My First Smells Marsupial™. No one from headquarters has visited the Youngstown, Ohio, manufacturing plant since the Carter administration. And finally, in the 1980s, the BBCTMEA introduced economic measures of capital consumption that were valued at replacement cost rather than historical cost to better reflect the depletion of capital assets and to enhance the picture of the nation’s productive capacity.

Which of the following moves will most improve your company’s bottom line?

A. Do a stock split

B. Treat the sales team to a mandatory celebratory death-metal concert

C. Call the Youngstown plant and see if anyone answers

D. Become a urologist

E. I know, but I don’t want to say

Journal Entry: Sabbath Remarks

Journal entry, 7/21/14: Yesterday Justice Minotaur was asked to offer remarks at a nondenominational congregation that rents space for its Sunday services from a local dojo. Karate classes are operative during the worship service, so it is not uncommon for the reading of scripture to be interrupted by a loud “kiai!” Once the preacher was felled midsermon by a leg sweep from an overeager yellow-belt.

Minotaur spoke for four hours extemporaneously. No scribe was able to attend so the discourse is lost to history, except for one sentence that happened to be captured by a toddler who, visiting the service with his adoptive mother, happened to press “record” on his toy phone: “In our time, thanks to steroids and meat farms, every animal is a firstling of the flock.”

Journal Entry: Murderers’ Club

Journal entry, 7/15/14: As reported in yesterday’s journal entry, Minotaur spent time last evening watching a “news magazine” program on television that, typical of this genre, took perverse interest in the grisly details of one or more murders. Reflecting on this program today while visiting with his friend Sylvan Enuresis, Minotaur said: “It seems like if you wanted to catch murderers, you would simply form a Murderers’ Club. Maybe you offer free T-shirts and a subscription to all new members–throw in a keychain for those who join within ten days. Then you wait around for the murderers to show up.”

When asked what he would recommend be done once the murderers were all gathered together for their club meeting, Minotaur said: “Well, maybe we have the first meeting at the zoo. We have it in Prince Henry the Navigator’s cage, but we put the Navigator over in the corner under a blanket. After all the murderers are gathered and we have had the opening remarks, we run out of there and blow a horn, and then the Navigator comes out and takes care of the rest.”