Journal Entry: Funeral Address

Journal entry, 7/24/14: Justice Minotaur spoke today at 2:00 a.m. at the funeral of his former law clerk Crossed Shears, who died under mysterious circumstances in a Pittsburgh-themed hotel room last weekend. Minotaur agreed to speak out of some sense of obligation toward his former employee but asked that the service be held graveside in the middle of a moonless night because of his embarrassment over the direction this promising young attorney’s career had gone in the “post-Minotaur era.” Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth reported the address in textual messages sent to Mr. Cornwall, which are faithfully reproduced below:

Dispatch 1: Shears was great grandson of Crimson Shears, man who invented first bathtub drain stop. early 20th century

Dispatch 2: Little-known fact. Bathers before this time had to continually replenish water in tub as it drained right from underneath them. Like the trials of Tantalus. This was like adding insult to injury–as they also lived before the invention of Smucker’s Uncrustables.

Dispatch 3: Crossed Shears decided to leave law to become inventor. Wanted to try to best his granddaddy I guess. Next 12 years, broke himself physically emotionally financially trying to invent device that would dispense soda lids without waste. Big obstacle=Germophobes

Dispatch 4: I would say he was an Icarus who flew too close to the sun, but in all honestly he never even got off the ground.

Dispatch 5: At end was nearly insane. Was veering toward a human solution: gloved and hairless employee handing them out at the door with surgical tongs.

Dispatch 6: Journal full of references to “the dagger or the bowl.” We will never know how he died but it is certain that he died because he is lying in that box.


4 thoughts on “Journal Entry: Funeral Address

  1. Humor this hour? I dare say. I enjoyed this one immensely, all except the textual message recitation section.

  2. Pingback: Journal Entry: Marketing for Funeral Parlors | Minotaur Saith

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