Journal entry, 8/13/14: Justice Minotaur today submitted his ideas for new paint colors to the local paint manufacturer that has retained him for this service for many years. The name of the company is fairly cumbersome: Kiss Hand-to-Hand Like Palmers Do Paint Manufacturers, LLC, a Guamese Company. Apparently the “LLC, a Guamese Company” part at the end is just part of the company name and has no legal significance. The company is actually a corporation chartered in New Salem, not a Guamese limited liability company. Roughly seventy-five percent of the paint colors offered by Kiss Hand-to-Hand (Cornwall will employ this name for short) are those suggested by Minotaur in past years. He receives no royalty but is allowed up to seventy free paint-stirring sticks per month. Minotaur promptly collects on this debt each month and has erected several dwellings for sheep entirely of this feeble and splintery wood.
Following are the paint colors Minotaur recommended today, together with the advertising copy Minotuar recommends be used to sell each color.
Apologetic Brown. Many browns we have seen are brash and in your face. Come on, we know you are brown. Enough already! Apologetic Brown from Kiss Hand-to-Hand Like Palmers Do Paint Manufacturers, LLC, a Guamese Company, says, “I know I’m brown, and I totally apologize.”
Mermaidbreath. Forbidden, hot, and maybe smells just a bit like fish. What color is it? Who cares?
Permanente. Once applied, this specially formulated paint-stain combination can never be removed or painted over, save in the event of complete incineration. Designed for use in military applications. What better way to show you conquered a people than by painting their entire city lime green? Sold in units of 100 gallons or more.
Double Black. When regular black is a complete joke.
Dolphinsafe. Part of our We Know There Is an Environment(TM) consciousness program, this paint is guaranteed to be completely free of dolphin parts. This paint is a deep crimson, speckled with pink and black—the color of gore a constant reminder that there are evil people out there murdering dolphins, and we have no association with them whatsoever.
Fantsypants. Hey, big spender, just got a big promotion? Coming in at just over $1,250 a gallon (plus annual membership dues), this paint says, I’ve arrived and I’m in a higher tax bracket than you!
Cryogen. Let’s be honest for a minute. Our lives would all be better if Walt Disney had never died. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this spectacular new paint color will go toward a fund for trying to bring Walt’s frozen head back to life.
American Moment. For those who appreciate Nana’s crisp apple pie, the sound of the pipe and drum on the Fourth of July, and having a closet full of pants in eight different sizes, take a moment to celebrate, well, the American Moment.
Freedom from Banana. Enough said.
Friday Harbor. What is Friday Harbor? That place downtown everyone gets beers after the game? A punishing exercise Coach Hardcastle uses to make everyone puke? That weird dude you saw your mom kissing? Paint a room this color and let the guessing begin!