Journal entry, 9/5/14: Justice Minotaur went grocery shopping today at Dinkerson’s Fresh Mart and Loan. Accompanying him were Mr. Cornwall and Minotaur’s old law clerk Geronimo Housekeeper, currently a longsnapper in the Canadian Football League. When Minotaur observed that some of the items in the dairy section were beyond their printed expiration dates, he sprang into action like a man several decades younger. Moving swiftly into the employees-only section of the store, he found the intercom and in a disguised voice called for all those in the store holding the rank of Eagle in the Boy Scouts to surreptitiously form an Eagles’ Nest in the area where shoelaces are displayed. Cornwall could observe several shoppers, evidently Eagles, hurriedly trying to respond to the call but none of them could find the shoelace section. Reaching the same conclusion, Minotaur moved slyly to the intercom again and asked the Eagles to assemble by the light bulbs. Again, much activity but the Eagles could not find the light bulbs. This continued about two hours, with the Eagles not being able to find olives, canned lard, shoe polish, “foods of Francophone influence” (there is no such section in Dinkerson’s), and a number of other items called out by Minotaur. Finally in a moment of clarity, Minotaur commanded the Eagles, now visibly winded, to meet at the dairy section itself, but “nonchalantly so as to not attract attention.” Once they were gathered into a nest, as it were, they recited the Scout Oath and Law and then moved against the offending products, with one of the men crying out, “For Akela!” (By this time Housekeeper had walked to the bus station and bought a ticket back to Winnipeg.) In a frenzy of activity that was not limited to the dairy section alone they gathered three jugs of expired 2% milk, a block of blue cheese (there was nothing wrong with it but the Eagles thought it was spoiled cheddar), a pack of tortillas that reportedly had only nine tortillas instead of the promised ten, and a black banana, and disposed of all these in the box crusher in the back of the store. Feeling that this haul was not sufficient to justify all the energy the Eagles had expended, Minotaur then ordered the troops to do away with all sauces in the store, after which roughly four thousand jars of ketchup, mayo, barbecue sauce, salad dressing, salsa, and other sauces were force-fed to the box crusher, whose appetite never appeared to become satiated but which began to seep a disgusting mixture of fluids and solids like a knight lanced in the bowels after eating a shepherd’s pie. Minotaur then dismissed the Eagles with a crisp salute and they all retreated whence they had come.
On the ride home, as he chugged a drinkable yogurt, Minotaur confessed that he had received his Eagle rank only by correspondence when he was twenty-seven. “I did it that way so they didn’t know how old I was. Even then, they wouldn’t give you the Eagle if you were over eighteen.” Minotaur then opined: “If Baden-Powell had ever been able to marshal one hundred properly uniformed boys he could have singlehandedly defeated the German army, but he never got to prove it because some of his brats would never tuck their shirts in.”