The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 590 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 10 trips to carry that many people.
Click here to see the complete report.
By Justice Korbin Minotaur
Imagine the earth in the year 2840. A man is five hundred pounds, six hundred pounds. He can hardly move. He has free health insurance. He fills out a form reporting his condition and asking for help.
One day there is a knock at the door. A monkey wearing a clean white uniform quietly lets himself in. He goes into the kitchen. He gets out a large roasting pan and turns on the oven. He cuts vegetables and puts them into the pan with a broth and spices. He sets the table. He puts the pan into the oven and sets the timer. Then he removes his uniform and climbs into the oven into the roasting pan, and pulls the oven closed from the inside. An hour and a half later dinner is ready.
Having “endured yet another miserable Yuletide,” Justice Korbin Minotaur hereby offers tips for how to increase one’s stress level during the holidays:
-Make a list of all the gifts you would need for all the people on your Christmas shopping list for the next fifty years. Then go buy all those things and store them in your garage.
-Buy an unusually expensive gift and write on the tag, “For my secret lover, Korki. I will never admit the truth of our relationship.” Leave this where your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend will find it.
-Convince your dentist to pull at least half your teeth.
-Print a stack of business cards giving your name and social security number. Pass these out at a concert.
-Max out a credit card on a family of nonreturnable parrots.
-Steal an ambulance and drive it in circles around a bank.
-Think about all the people you have hurt or disappointed.
Journal entry, 12/21/14: Last year for Christmas Justice Minotaur received from the 124-person court staff, through their generous pooling of funds, a gift of a homemade monthly wall calendar featuring images of “less famous Hohenzollerns.” Upon opening it, Minotaur explained as follows: “For each month, the days of that month are represented in a two-dimensional grid pattern that assumes convenient subgroupings of seven days each. In this way, the user can visualize the month and plot various data points in the interstices of the grid lines, such as planned bouts of appendicitis or when corned beef is on coupon.”
Besides the expected coverage of January through December 2014, the calendar included a “bonus month” for January 2015 (with a moving portrait allegedly of Albert III, Elector of Brandenburg and Margrave of Brandenburg-Ansbach). Since October, Minotaur has been going from store to store all through New Salem looking for a wall calendar for next year that begins with the month of February 2015 and runs through the end of February 2016.
Minotaur saith: “Why waste money buying a month I already have?”
While using his nimble toes to build a log cabin from Popsicle sticks, Justice Minotaur observed that “the earliest Christmas trees” were “little more than some kind of local conifer that after being hacked down was brought inside and decorated like an old lady.”