Top 10 New Sports

The exhuming of the bones of Charlemagne would be less newsworthy.

The exhuming of the bones of Charlemagne would be less newsworthy.

Justice Minotaur has uncovered another relic of his past literary production. The document, titled “Top 10 New Sports,” was originally penned circa 1999-2001 (if we are to believe the statement he made earlier today after drinking a goblet of Mexican vanilla). He then folded the paper and placed it in the solitary pocket of a pair of bib overalls he was wearing, which at some later point he donated (without remembering the document was in them) to a costume shop that “lends dress-ups to the poor.” This morning he saw the Widow Tookerman wearing the overalls, now threadbare, and–in a brilliant epiphany–his mind was opened to remembrance. He tackled Tookerman and then, recovering his senses, helped her back to her feet and struck a bargain with her. For $100 U.S. dollars and a jar of expired bouillon cubes she agreed to surrender the garment. Two hours later she returned to the compound wearing a new Adidas track suit and presented the overalls to Minotaur. After she departed he removed the document from the pocket and examined it under bright light, finding it to be in a remarkable state of preservation. Evidently the clothing had never been laundered. Minotaur then commanded Mr. Cornwall to “publish the document on the Interwebs immediately, lest another tragedy take this from our grasp for another fifteen years.”

Those who examine the photograph of the recto of the document that is available here will note several emendations. Minotaur ordered that only the final inscriptions of the document be presented here, and that no effort be made to present false starts or cancellations. “Changing one’s mind while writing is a form of weakness,” he declared.

Top 10 New Sports*

-“Ryam Ball”–playing checkers with a blacksmith named Ryam
-“eAGLe”–living in a cave eating fish steaks
-surreptitious goat milking
-Elf butchering
-Cram our bloodhound in the drier
-How much hurt will kill?**
-the new biathalon–ice hockey and snake handling
-Coccer–same thing as soccer, but everyone’s in a car***
-“Roger”–yell “Roger!” in each other’s ears

*The list below has only nine entries. It appears quite likely by this point that Minotaur cannot count to ten, but we cannot rule out other possibilities, such as that he intended to eventually get to ten, or that his canceled entry “Cram Jenny in a locker–’nuff said” (which was probably canceled because it is highly similar to the bloodhound entry) was meant to count toward the total.
**Minotaur believes this entry on the list was contributed by his cousin Ivanhoe Half-Abram, who at the time was living in a doorless freezer chest in Minotaur’s yard.
***Cancellations here indicate that Minotaur first called this sport “Toggles” and was going to have the sport be volleyball in cars.

Journal Entry: Clothing Line, Addendum

Addendum to journal entry for 1/6/15: Justice Minotaur is seeking investors in his new clothing company. The first one thousand individuals who invest more than $20,000 each (U.S. dollars) will get their choice of either (1) a bandolier labeled in large block letters with the saying “Don’t laugh–it’s paid for” or (2) a real fur cape with “WIDE LOAD” bleached across the back.

Journal Entry: Clothing Line

Journal entry, 1/6/15: Justice Minotaur announced today that come spring, he would start manufacturing and selling clothing and accessories made primarily from the wool of his own llamas. “This luxurious animal fiber will be like Michelangelo’s David, putting the whole world under a spell,” he averred.

He will in fact have two clothing labels. The first, called Minotaur, will be sold at Costco and Sam’s Club in bundles, with each bundle having four identical winter coats, one pair of fingerless mittens, a monocle, one ski mask, one banker’s visor, two leather riding cloaks, one pair of briefs, fourteen pairs of above-the-calf gray socks, two pairs of capri pants, two sleeveless Iron Maiden T-shirts, a three-pack of dental night guards, and a set of neon yellow wristbands. “This one-size-fits all line will be primarily intended for refugees, runaways, and others who had to flee their home under unfortunate circumstances,” Minotaur explained. “These people don’t have time or the cabbage to shop Kohl’s for sales every weekend for a month. These people want to come into Costco with two twenties and leave with a new wardrobe–and maybe a slice of their delectable pizza!–ten minutes later.”

The other line will be called Korbin Private Label. At first Minotaur will offer only unisex blazers in this line, but he intends it will eventually expand widely, “including to hosiery and beekeeper garb.” An estimated starting price is about $125,000 per garment. “This label is for the man or woman who has taken the Bible to heart–who is literally willing to give all that he or she has for a pearl of great price.”

Top New “Designer Pizza” Varieties

Justice Minotaur continues to unearth treasures from the past. Yesterday he found a list of wishes related to the 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympic Games in the vegetable crisper. Today he produced a handwritten list titled “Top New ‘Designer Pizza’ Varieties,” which given the type of paper used appears to date from circa 2001. He reports that he found this while taking inventory of his personal collection of celluloid dickeys. Mr. Cornwall faithfully reproduces this list below.

TOP NEW “DESIGNER PIZZA” VARIETIES

-OUT OF THE HAMPER, INTO THE FRYING PAN
-ELFMEAT AND BACON
-WALT DISNEY’S FROZEN HEAD SLICES
-“MURDERER’S ROW” (CROW MEAT)
-FRUITS AND INSTRUMENTALITIES OF REGICIDE
-SELFLESS MONKEY*
-“JUST BETWEEN VIKINGS” (SEAL MEAT & NEW WORLD SPICES)
-MARIE CURIE’S SNACK POUCH
-SIDEBURNS ‘N’ RELISH
-“CHERRYCORN”
-SCORPIONS AND CREAM CHEESE**

*The relevance of this entry is uncanny considering a recent posting on this blog.
**Given that yesterday’s “Top 10” list actually had nine items, it bears noting that the present list has eleven items. Though in itself the number eleven should not cause us to take any special notice (it is not a particularly unusual number, and no promise was made at the beginning of the list about how many items would be listed), one does wonder whether one of the items here was perhaps misfiled and was intended to be a wish expressed in connection with the Salt Lake Winter Olympic Games. That would give us two lists of ten items each, which it must be admitted would be ultimately more satisfying. On the other hand, the uneven numbers may have been fully intended by the author, perhaps for metaphorical or even mythical reasons–or the author may not know how to count.

Top 10 Wishes Related to 2002 Salt Lake Olympics

This Minotaurian treasure was recently "unearthed" from a vegetable crisper.

This Minotaurian treasure was recently “unearthed” from a vegetable crisper (not the children’s toothpaste, fool–the document!).

Inasmuch as New Salem is about three hours’ drive from Salt Lake City, State of Utah, United States of America, it should be no surprise to the reader of this blog to learn that Justice Minotaur has been there a number of times and that he even has spoken of it as “his second home–if you also discount Prague and Burger King.”

An artifactual treasure related to Salt Lake City has been found and is ready to be made available on this site for the first time. The treasure is a list of “Top 10 Wishes” (actually, just nine) that Minotaur expressed in writing in relationship to the Winter Olympic Games hosted by the city of Salt Lake City in 2002. The creation date of this document is presumed to be 2001 or early 2002. The document was found this morning by Minotaur inside of the vegetable drawer in the fridge, which evidently has not been used much. The document is one leaf of paper, 11 inches high by 8.5 inches wide, inscribed in ink on both sides in the handwriting of Minotaur. It smells of herring and blueberry. A transcript prepared by Mr. Cornwall follows.

Top 10 Wishes Related to the 2002 Salt Lake Olympics*

-New Olympics-driven improvements downtown will push the poor further west & out of our sight
-bobsled committee will finally agree on standard runner lengths sensible safety measures
-Finns will atone for their poor showing in the ’98 biathalon
-Golden Spike Nat’l Monument will have 4 or more visitors simultaneously
-children of world will swim together in Great Salt Lake
-somehow the goodwill of the Olympics will be felt by the inhabitants of the distant planet Volcran III
-Park City will be destroyed by a meteor
-no Eagle Scout Courts of Honor will need to be rescheduled b/c of conflicts with Olympic events
-Gary Coleman & Todd Bridges will teach Utah how to party

*As noted above and as can be seen from the list, there are only nine wishes here. Whether Minotaur ran out of time or creative energy, or whether he was attracted to some powerful metaphorical significance in the numeral nine as a dragon is attracted to a magical amulet, or whether he simply can’t count is not known. It should be noted, however, that he likes the game of baseball (which is played by nine players per team at any given time).

Job Postings

Job openings have been posted at Justice Minotaur’s chambers. The justice has asked Mr. Cornwall to reproduce the posting here.

Job Openings, January 2015

These are openings with the chambers of Justice Korbin Minotaur. Pay will vary depending on position, experience, and whether your parents hold political office. Postings are subject to closing without notice. To apply for a position, please submit a resume along with a payment of five hundred American dollars (cash) to the court clerk. As a reminder, New Salem does not have any laws against discrimination.

Helper. Cut hair; feed llamas; teach Chinese to business executives.

Accountant. Ability to carefully disguise losses as profits; be willing to be set up on blind dates with various people’s siblings.

Plumber. Must have love for unclogging toilets as profound as that expressed in our greatest romantic literature.

Photographer’s assistant. Familiar with different places to take undeveloped film–Costco, Walgreens, etc.

Tailor. Must be able to sew secret pockets into clothing in which to keep ketchup packets.

Firefighter. Excellent written communication skills required; firefighting experience a plus.

Girlfriend. Must be able to vacuum in straight lines.

Stevedore. Desire to sail with Odysseus and bring Blackbeard to justice (but will never actually board ship).

Lime wringer. Self-explanatory.

Lime wringer’s assistant. Talk to lime wringer so s/he doesn’t go bananas from wringing limes all day long.