By Justice Korbin Minotaur
Welcome to Maximilien de Robespierre’s Emporium of Cuisine. Never has a man–or a woman, for that matter–wished with more energy of his soul than we here–we, the management and staff of Robespierre’s–wish and desire that you will have a pleasant experience today, here at our restaurant, Robespierre’s–and we mean pleasant in terms of the temperature and moisture level of the food and drink, pleasant in terms of having utensils at your table and a table that is more or less level so that things do not slide off of it, pleasant in terms of the cleanliness of the restroom and the operability of its devices should you you need to use them at any time (or more than once, that is fine too–hopefully not directly because of something bad that happened on the premises of Robespierre’s), pleasant in terms of the hygiene, freedom from infection, and interactivity of our wait staff, who desire to wait on you hand and foot as if you were the king of infinite space. We truly, truly hope your visit does not suck in any way. And now may we present to you, our dear, dear friends, our menu.
Spaghetti and Haircut. Enjoy a hot plate of spaghetti (that is, cooked spaghetti noodles put onto a dinner plate with traditional spaghetti sauce poured over the top) while one of the staffers of Robespierre’s shaves your head and then sponges it off, kind of like they do before putting someone in the electric chair–but we promise not to electrify you except with the zesty taste of Mama Robespierre’s delicious sauce! $15.52*
Macadamized Vegetables. A 13 by 21 pan of cooked vegetables, six inches deep, is placed before you. Thicker vegetables are layered together on the bottom; smaller vegetables are arranged on top. This makes it possible for the pan to withstand quite a bit of pressure–we encourage you to press down using the condiment jars at your table to see how strong it is. If you like your “roadway” more modern, it will require only a whisper to our wait staff, and they will pour blackened mayo into your pan to hold all the ingredients together like a sort of tasty asphalt. $42.89.*
Symmes’s Hole. Symmes was wrong about the earth being empty. We take a watermelon or other large spherical fruit or vegetable and hollow it out through a small hole using a patented process, without damaging the rind, husk, and/or shell. Then we fill the inside with various surprise liquid and/or solid ingredients. You get to be the scientist. What is the earth made of? Cut It Open, Find Out, and Enjoy! (TM) $22.58.*
[This space intentionally left blank.]
Hope Is the Thing with Feathers. Have you ever seen a chicken smile? We have. Then we killed him and put him on your plate with all the feathers. Seasonal pricing.*
The University Burger. Relive your days at university. We serve you a burger that’s a couple of days old, maybe on a plastic plate. Instead of a bun, let’s use bread. Maybe you are still hungry after and have a bowl of Raisin Bran or half a block of cheese or 16 Oreos. As you are finishing, Bridgette the waitress will come and pretend to break up with you in a fairly psychotic fashion. $2.80.*
Keep the Helmet. This offer is made possible through a special arrangement with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration of the United States of America. A limited quantity of astronaut helmets worn in space by actual astronauts are available on the premises. You choose the helmet, we fill it up with the soup of the day. You eat the soup, and you keep the helmet. Prices vary (see below).
Neil Armstrong. $1.2 million*
Yuri Gagarin. $1.8 million*,**
Ham the Astrochimp. $6.8 million*
Joe Engle. $11.14*
(Please do not hesitate to inquire, our beloved associates, about other available helmets. It only takes a whisper to someone on our wait staff and the information will be made available to you so suddenly you will never remember a time that the information was not known by you.)
* Plus applicable sales taxes and any other governmental duties that may be imposed. That a certain price is posted today does not guarantee the price will be the same tomorrow, so act now for what are likely to be the best prices.
**Made possible by an illegal and unenforceable agreement with the Russian Federal Space Agency.