To: All Citizens, Residents, and Domiciles of New Salem
From: Justice Korbin Minotaur
Date: 9 Floreal 223
Re: Banned Names
Acting on behalf of the authorized ministers and council of reeves of our beloved nation-state, I hereby proclaim that the following names are forever banned as names for children born on national soil or imported herein. If you have any children bearing any such name, you have twenty-four hours to change the name to something acceptable or the child’s name will be irrevocably changed to Melchior the Wet. For purposes of this decree, intelligent mammals will be considered as children.
The banned names are as follows:
-Melchior the Wet [banned unless assigned by official government decree as a form of punishment and ignominious branding]
-Anticipatory Valley Forge
-Try Jennie Bloodsport
-Darling Imagine Fresh Graham
-Andrea the Giantess
-Freddie “First” Manassas [the banned version of the name is the one with quotation marks around “First”; the name Freddie First Manassas, without quotation marks, is authorized]
p.s. In case you haven’t heard, we are also now following the French Republican Calendar in New Salem, this land of child geniuses, this earth of beautiful majesty, this seat of Mars, this realm of overpeopled Walmarts, this other Hades.
CC: The Estate of Spiro Agnew
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