Journal Entry: Things Said by Minotaur on Dates When He Was a Mortician’s Apprentice

Journal entry, 12 Vendémiaire 225: In conversation today with Mr. Cornwall, Justice Minotaur revealed that for a few years when he was in his 30s, he worked part time as a mortician’s apprentice for his uncle Wilma I. C. Rudolph (no relation to the well-known American sprinter). As a single man, Minotaur went on many dates during this period. Having no other form of automated transportation, he would always pick up his date in “the company hearse, which was usually white except for in the later years, after Uncle Wilma painted it bright red so that it could drive faster.” According to Minotaur, the following are actual statements he made on dates with different women during this time.

“My patient from earlier this week had the most lithe fingers, but they were much colder than yours.”

“I earnestly desire to speak tonight with your parents about the possibility of getting your entire family on the Discount Plan.”

“If we get in a really bad car wreck, the great thing is that legally the cops can just put our deceased bodies in the back of this thing and have it towed back to Uncle’s place and he can take it from there.”

“I am getting so good at my craft that I think I could do body prep blindfolded.”

“You have undoubtedly read in the papers about some of the things my brother Burgoyne did before becoming barred from the mortuary trade and eventually jailed. Sometimes I wonder if I have parts of that same monster living inside of me.”

“I feel like we owe it to our investors and employees to generate a huge profit, so that is why we are advocating to get the speed limit increased to 180 miles per hour.”

“It is almost impossible to find a drive-through restaurant that can accommodate this thing.”

“Doing work on a prior girlfriend was an experience I will not soon forget. Do you consider yourself my girlfriend?”

“When you are negotiating with someone over rates for products and services, it is a huge advantage to have their house bugged.”

“This industry can be frustrating, because if you really knock it out of the park preparing someone for burial, there is still no way that person is going to become a repeat customer.”

“I have this theory that Cain’s crime was derived from no more nor less than an understandable desire to see his brother’s inner workings. I am in this profession for a lot of those same reasons.”


2 thoughts on “Journal Entry: Things Said by Minotaur on Dates When He Was a Mortician’s Apprentice

  1. Truly, truly, the meow of the cat is heard here, or how is it said, the toasted bread cooked by the town. This is the top, the best, that which is above the others. For sure there is a black spirit here, a pleasant one nonetheless, the desire to grow to expand to be able to make creation. I ask myself what would these girls think in face of these confessions. I suppose they have horror.

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