Journal entry, 21 Floreal 225: A project that Minotaur has been working on for several years with a local hospital chain has finally born fruit. Minotaur was engaged by Tribal University Medical Facilities LLC (TM)* to advise them on the risks of installing intercom systems in their hospitals. Previously, announcements in their hospitals were made by a team of “yellers”–the term speaks for itself.
Though, as one might imagine, the issues related to this engagement were complex, most of the work ended up being on the issue of what should not be said over a hospital intercom. “Saying certain things could create a risk of a sick dude or even someone else in the joint having heart arrest, gassy innards, or super heavy breathing like on one of those Jason movies,” Minotaur explained to Mr. Cornwall one evening early in the process.
The engagement finally being concluded and Minotaur having received his consulting fee, Minotaur asked for and received permission to publicize here the final list of “Things that should NOT, repeat, NOT be said over the intercom system of any Tribal University LLC hospital or other giant building”:
“As a precautionary measure, before you go in for surgery, consider writing the word ‘NO’ on any body part you want to keep.”
“It is so crazy in here today that if you are a patient anywhere on the third floor, we are just going to call you Brent to save time.”
“Thanks to a new symbiotic relationship with Two-by-Two Veterinary Hospitals Incorporated (TM), we are pleased to be able to offer a ten percent discount on all hot entrees in the hospital cafeteria.”
“Hi. This is hospital administrator Brusher Smalls. Congratulations to the efficiency team for leading the effort to cross-train our coroners in the ER.”
“A new channel has been added to all in-room televisions. Channel 14.2 will now play an endless loop of those commercials Peter Graves did in the 80s for TRW Credentials (TM).”
“A pair of brown androgynous undershorts has made its way to the lost and found down here by patient check-in. It is probable that originally they were as white as the driven snow.”
“Surgery patients, for a fee of $120, we will be happy to cut and style your hair while you are under anesthesia.”
“Dr. Adolf Serpico to the newborn unit, Dr. Adolf Serpico.”
“It appears that the health care policies of the U.S. Republican Party have taken a step closer to becoming law.”
“The purple button on your patient bed will fold the bed up in two as if a pair of giant hands were clapped together at about 18,000 miles per hour.”
“New in the gift shop for Deceased or Maimed Soldiers Memory Week: Yogurty Pizza Bites (TM), men’s fashion earrings, and Gifted: An 882-Page Scholarly History of This Gift Shop.”
*The nomenclature here is interesting. All land where Tribal University facilities are located was stolen many years ago from local Indian tribes. This land is now owned by the University of Antwerp, New Salemite Branch. The appending of the label LLC, according to New Salem statutes, “adds credibility and both isolates and insulates the bearer from lawsuits of any kind.”