Lawsuits Pending before Justice Minotaur

List of lawsuits currently pending before Justice Minotaur, as reported by the court deputy clerk, Integrity Shears:

Prefontaine v. Hindenburg Motor LLC. Plaintiff alleges that self-driving automobile manufactured by defendant will drive only to Skipper’s Seafood.

Dunsinane v. Louisville Crimson Clovers LLC. Plaintiff, who attended minor league baseball game at defendant’s facility in early May, claims that outcome of between-innings race by persons in fruit costumes was predetermined.

Clark v. Simpson. Plaintiff alleges that his roommate, a young Mormon man who returned six months ago from a full-time missionary assignment in South America, “is capable of speaking perfect English but occasionally slips in Spanish words and phrases–especially ‘charlas’–when talking to girls.”

Haig v. Tiny Watson’s Mercantile LLC. Plaintiff sues on the grounds that undershorts plaintiff purchased at defendant’s general merchandise store “seem to become soggy every morning.”

Habsburg v. Hohenzollern Publishing LLC. Plaintiff alleges that denouement of novel bearing defendant’s imprint is “total downer.”

Nephilim v. Pequenos Keebleros LLC. Plaintiff, a self-described “constantly thirsty landscaper,” asks for punitive damages against the owner-operator of a soda machine that “is always out of the good kinds, leaving [plaintiff] no choice but to purchase Sierra Mist.”

Marbury v. Madison. Plaintiff brings suit in equity, seeking to ban defendant from saying “totally 90s” terms such as “Aight” and “What’s the dealio?”

Miscellaneous Sayings

The following brief sayings of Justice Korbin Minotaur on a variety of topics are recorded below in hopes that they will someday be of relevance to the anthropologists from the alien race that will explore our planet after the extinction of earthlings:

“It would be great if your kids were born in Angle-land in September 1752 during that whole period when they were switching out of the Julian calendar and certain dates never actually occurred. Imagine how much you would save on birthday gifts.”

“The cool thing about Noah is that anything related to him is Noachian.”

“A press in which I am an investor has just agreed to publish two important manuscripts: Curelom and Cumin: Barbecuing in Book of Mormon Times and Debates on the Properties of a Bandage That Would Survive an Apocalypse.

[Remainder of page unintentionally left blank.]

Lesser-Known Sports Penalties

With the assistance of two shepherd-interns, Justice Korbin Minotaur is compiling a list of lesser-known sports penalties. He has commanded Mr. Cornwall to publish notes on the list (as it now stands) on this informal electronic newspaper.

Mixed Signaling. Swimming. Any swimmer who pretends to be drowning is guilty of mixed signaling. The penalized swimmer is not allowed to swing his or her arms around to “get loose” prior to his or her next race.

Rimrodding. Basketball. This penalty is assessed on the home team when, by use of official measuring devices, the referees find that the visiting team’s hoop is so small that the basketball cannot fit through it. The punishment is that all restrooms in the arena are bolted shut for the remainder of the evening.

Denuding. American football. Denuding occurs when defenders unintentionally strip an opposing player naked in an attempt to tackle him. The offending team is forced to try their next field goal from the parking lot of the nearest Renault dealership.

Outboxing. Baseball. The penalty is assessed when, during his team’s turn at bat, a base-running coach leaves the marked area to purchase concessions. The offending coach must immediately don a sailor’s uniform.

Walden Ponding. Ice hockey. This occurs when a player watching the game from the bench becomes too philosophical. The player is punished by having to play the third period with an olive on each finger.

Proposal for a New Game: World Ball

Proposed rules for a new game called World Ball, by Justice Korbin Minotaur, January 17, 2003 (28 Nivose 211):

Sport Name: World Ball

Description: This sport is played on a circular grass field with a diameter of 512 yards. There are seven teams of eight competitors each. Movement on the field must be along north-south or east-west axis lines. A player seen to be moving diagonally will be penalized–forced to sit out of play for five minutes. The game is umpired by nine arbiters, together known as the Conference of the Nine. Their decisions must be unanimous. Besides conferring with the others to reach decisions, the head umpire communicates for and in behalf of the Conference with the competitors. The length of play is 130 minutes, with no interruptions or stoppages of any kind for any reason.

The object of the game is to amass the greatest quantity of earth in comparison to the other teams. Each team begins play in one of eight equal-sized sections of the field of play. Each team chooses a sector, with the order of choosing determined by the roll of a 20-sided die. Players spread from the original nucleus to “claim earth.” To claim earth, a team must surround a particular parcel of grass with wooden stakes (each team having its own color of stakes) driven into the soil at least six inches or deeper, with a distance between each stake of no greater than one-half yard. The stakes form a perimeter around the earth that is claimed. Players skilled in and charged with driving stakes to so claim earth are called stakemen. The winner of the game is the team that has the most square feet of earth staked out at the end of play, as measured by the Conference. To interfere with another team’s ability to claim earth, a team may send as many players forth as the team wishes with spades. These spademen attempt to dig up grass in the area where another team is attempting to claim earth. The surface area of any area where grass is dug up–where bare soil is exposed–is not counted in the team’s favor when square footage is reckoned at the end of play. A spademan may not dig up stakes–only grassy earth. A spademan may also dig up exposed soil as deep as he desires–perhaps for the purpose of creating a defensive pit.*

An interesting twist of the game is that players may physically interfere with other players’ attempts to claim earth or to spade earth. Instead of digging earth with the spade, for example, a player may tackle an opponent and pin him to the ground for the entire length of play. This does not decrease the amount of earth claimed, but interferes in the first instance with another team’s ability to claim earth. It is illegal to use spades, stakes, and mallets against another player, but otherwise play is very physical and unregulated, as in rugby.

An interesting element of this game is that all seven teams are competing against each other. The possible strategies for advancing and defending are nearly countless. A team may have eight stakemen, or eight spademen, or four of each, or two of one and six of the other, etc.

After play ends, the field cannot be used for several months until new sod is laid and begins to take root in the soil. Thus it is necessary to have a large number of fields in proximity to one another.

The spectators sit in a large circle outside the field of play. Most have binoculars.

Competitors dress pretty much like soccer players except they wear cleated boots and leather gloves.

*Amendment proposed by Ivanhoe Half-Abram: You could add a provision that the stakemen can not only uproot another team’s grass but can resod their own scorched earth.

Journal Entry: Hurtful Sayings

Journal entry, 1 Prairial 225. Justice Minotaur added a “suggestion box” this week at chambers. The purpose of this was different than expected, however. Rather than soliciting ideas for how to improve the workplace, Minotaur instead asked people to report on the “hurtful things” that people have said to them in the office.

Minotaur spent some time today going through the submissions received so far and having what he described as “a good laugh–like back when I used to watch Milton Berle.” Minotaur reported that the following submission disturbed him somewhat, since the person submitting it “obviously could not spell his or her way out of a wet paper sack”:

“Janiss in acounting told me, ‘I learnd what kind of pen you like, and I have stoped orderring that kind.’ To get her back I wated until she was out of town for vacution and then spreadd 6,500 extralarge bags of granuular herbicid onto her lawn and plantingbeds. I had to get into my retirument acounts to pay for all the poisson.” (From “anonimous”)

[Dear reader: If you have any wounds, now would be a good time to change to a clean dressing. Also, please consider an antibiotic.]

Journal Entry: Names That Don’t Work with Certain Professions

Journal entry, day not entirely clear (Mr. Cornwall accidentally drank quart of thick white cough syrup thinking it was milk): Justice Korbin Minotaur was asked earlier this week to speak to a group of local high school seniors today on the subject of career planning. These were students at Last Chance or Jail High School, which is run out of the basement of a Taco Time in the unincorporated village of Savings & Loan, New Salem. The mascot of this high school is a prediabetic ewerer eating a bowl of Bananas Foster.

According to several reports in the evening news, Minotaur informed the students that certain career options might “already be foreclosed” to them because of their names. In substance his instruction was as follows:

You are probably not going to be able to be a doctor in certain fields if you have a certain name. For example, if your name is Dred Serpent, you are probably not going to be real successful as a pediatrician. Maybe try emergency medicine, where the patients don’t have much choice in who treats them.

Let’s say you are trying out to be a night watchman, but your name is Brian Sleepington, or maybe let’s say it’s R. Constitution Sleepington. Such a surname is going to be a huge blow against you.

I had a friend named B. M. Hands when I was in the merchant marine. When he announced that he wanted to open his own butcher shop, it was like the first act of a Greek tragedy. We knew it would never go well. Today he mow lawns for the government.

Let’s say you were going to hire a wedding photographer. Would you want to hire one named Blurry Weteye? No, you wouldn’t. Anyone here named Blurry and/or Weteye? A couple of you. Well, rule out any sort of photography. Maybe look into being a fuller.

I once walked into a restaurant. I saw the hostess was named Elizabeth Tudor Ice-Heart St. Germain. This was no turnoff, since hostesses are supposed to be stuck up. The greater the disdain they evince toward us, the more we spend.

Are there any of you who want to get into dry cleaning? Wow, a sea of hands. I feel most of you are being too ambitious. After all, bear in mind you are going to school in the dank basement of a taco place. Here are some names that would be good if you are going that direction: French Groom, Trixie Cleane, Montana A. Quick. And here are some names that are basically going to disqualify you: Jack Missingbutton, Crimson Holes, Dress B. Shrunken.

Now, lastly and finally, my struggling friends, there are a few names that will open doors for you into basically any profession. One of these is my own name, Korbin Minotaur (TM). But don’t get your hopes up. It’s already taken. But some other names that will work fairly well in most situations include Salad Turlington, Appomattox Courthouse Blues, Gus Chitman, Cherry Barv, and Help Yocker.

[Click here for a map to an emergency eyewash within 30 miles of your location.]

Journal Entry: What Not to Say over Hospital Intercom

Journal entry, 21 Floreal 225: A project that Minotaur has been working on for several years with a local hospital chain has finally born fruit. Minotaur was engaged by Tribal University Medical Facilities LLC (TM)* to advise them on the risks of installing intercom systems in their hospitals. Previously, announcements in their hospitals were made by a team of “yellers”–the term speaks for itself.

Though, as one might imagine, the issues related to this engagement were complex, most of the work ended up being on the issue of what should not be said over a hospital intercom. “Saying certain things could create a risk of a sick dude or even someone else in the joint having heart arrest, gassy innards, or super heavy breathing like on one of those Jason movies,” Minotaur explained to Mr. Cornwall one evening early in the process.

The engagement finally being concluded and Minotaur having received his consulting fee, Minotaur asked for and received permission to publicize here the final list of “Things that should NOT, repeat, NOT be said over the intercom system of any Tribal University LLC hospital or other giant building”:

“As a precautionary measure, before you go in for surgery, consider writing the word ‘NO’ on any body part you want to keep.”

“It is so crazy in here today that if you are a patient anywhere on the third floor, we are just going to call you Brent to save time.”

“Thanks to a new symbiotic relationship with Two-by-Two Veterinary Hospitals Incorporated (TM), we are pleased to be able to offer a ten percent discount on all hot entrees in the hospital cafeteria.”

“Hi. This is hospital administrator Brusher Smalls. Congratulations to the efficiency team for leading the effort to cross-train our coroners in the ER.”

“A new channel has been added to all in-room televisions. Channel 14.2 will now play an endless loop of those commercials Peter Graves did in the 80s for TRW Credentials (TM).”

“A pair of brown androgynous undershorts has made its way to the lost and found down here by patient check-in. It is probable that originally they were as white as the driven snow.”

“Surgery patients, for a fee of $120, we will be happy to cut and style your hair while you are under anesthesia.”

“Dr. Adolf Serpico to the newborn unit, Dr. Adolf Serpico.”

“It appears that the health care policies of the U.S. Republican Party have taken a step closer to becoming law.”

“The purple button on your patient bed will fold the bed up in two as if a pair of giant hands were clapped together at about 18,000 miles per hour.”

“New in the gift shop for Deceased or Maimed Soldiers Memory Week: Yogurty Pizza Bites (TM), men’s fashion earrings, and Gifted: An 882-Page Scholarly History of This Gift Shop.

*The nomenclature here is interesting. All land where Tribal University facilities are located was stolen many years ago from local Indian tribes. This land is now owned by the University of Antwerp, New Salemite Branch. The appending of the label LLC, according to New Salem statutes, “adds credibility and both isolates and insulates the bearer from lawsuits of any kind.”