Journal Entry: Insights into Medical History

Journal entry, 18 Floreal 225: Today Justice Korbin Minotaur delivered a lyceum lecture on the assigned topic of “Surprising Insights from the History of Medicine.” The proceedings were reported by Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth by means of “text messages” sent to Mr. Cornwall, who faithfully reproduces the messages here.

Dr. M. M. Cram Napple. name is probably not familiar (admittedly a stupid name). you will hate yourself when I tell you of his fame

Man who invented idea of food in hospitals being served in tiny disposable cups

Salve was not fully understood until the mid-20th century. Previously it was valued for aesthetic purposes only

Often in the 1800s you would go to a party and they would have a jar of salve out for everyone to look at

Admittedly they did not have that many offerings for entertainment

Today we have not only have salve, but we have balm, ointments, cream

rubs, lotions, unguents, cerate, demulcent, potions, balsam

unction, compound, oil, chrism, liniment, emulsion

paste, cosmetics, jelly, preparations

We now have an emollient so strong that if you put it on your skin, it will smoke your organs to taste like roast pork

We keep trying to sneak it into Kim Jong-un’s medicine cabinet

Earliest tourniquet was little more than a cord used to tightly tie off a limb

Today if car is not working right, you might open the hood to see what is wrong

That is kind of what Egyptians did–if person was suffering of something, they would remove the head to, quote, take a look

Took 300 years to realize this was killing the person

Zero useful medical research from head-removal work—-Butcept coming up with different ways to remove the head

Surprising number of ways to remove head

[Cottonmouth dropped phone into trough of Sprite Zero–list of ways lost]

–to that list of ways what could we add today?

Think about it-think you morons

right, we could add emollient, like I said. We have emollients that could smoke your melon off your neck is no time flat

Imagine the joy of whoever the guy was who discovered the concept of the spare kidney.

he is like, holy cow, an extra one of these

is that something where you kind of keep it a secret for a while?

like, the doctor: sorry man, your kidney is totally shot

and the patient is like, I guess I am going to die then. Tell my family goodbye.

and tell the milkman I guess not to bring so much cheese.

And the doctor is like just pranking you man!!! you have got another one!!!

And the patient is like holy cow, you had me there! I had no idea I had a spare.

And the doctor is like I know right, a spare. That will be $500,000!

[Click here to have a picture of you and your junior high gym coach painted onto the side of a New York City taxi]


4 thoughts on “Journal Entry: Insights into Medical History

  1. Wunderbar! as the Deutschlanders say when they are not invading my country and roasting libraries and burning babies and making little Fuhrers with our wives.

  2. Perhaps Minotaur can confirm, but I read somewhere recently that the earliest salve was little more than a kind of cream that people applied to an afflicted area of their body? Interesting also to consider the etymological similarities of “salve” and “save.”

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