Lesser-Known Sports Penalties

With the assistance of two shepherd-interns, Justice Korbin Minotaur is compiling a list of lesser-known sports penalties. He has commanded Mr. Cornwall to publish notes on the list (as it now stands) on this informal electronic newspaper.

Mixed Signaling. Swimming. Any swimmer who pretends to be drowning is guilty of mixed signaling. The penalized swimmer is not allowed to swing his or her arms around to “get loose” prior to his or her next race.

Rimrodding. Basketball. This penalty is assessed on the home team when, by use of official measuring devices, the referees find that the visiting team’s hoop is so small that the basketball cannot fit through it. The punishment is that all restrooms in the arena are bolted shut for the remainder of the evening.

Denuding. American football. Denuding occurs when defenders unintentionally strip an opposing player naked in an attempt to tackle him. The offending team is forced to try their next field goal from the parking lot of the nearest Renault dealership.

Outboxing. Baseball. The penalty is assessed when, during his team’s turn at bat, a base-running coach leaves the marked area to purchase concessions. The offending coach must immediately don a sailor’s uniform.

Walden Ponding. Ice hockey. This occurs when a player watching the game from the bench becomes too philosophical. The player is punished by having to play the third period with an olive on each finger.


3 thoughts on “Lesser-Known Sports Penalties

  1. some of this is tres brutal. to wear an olive — why not bloodily make him into a girl with a hatchet axe for all to see? this is too much. no human man shall bear the like punishment without losing his manly hood. better to die a hero than to live as some sort of zoo animals, behind bars, the children poking their laughter at you.

    • Perhaps that is the point–to threaten and shame the player into thinking about important facts, like game tactics, rather than about unimportant things, like the genesis or ultimate fate of the human race.

  2. I think some of the swimming penalties can be ‘set aside’ if they occur while the Yellow Caution Flag is up. I will refrain from listing here the reasons for setting the Yellow Caution Flag to the UP position.

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