Minotaur saith: “My great uncle Ram Minotaur. His boy–he was the one who died when the William P. Frye sank–had a splinter of wood, and Ram took him to Doctor McTeague. The boy was afraid it would hurt to get it out. To show how to be tough, Ram asked the doctor to clip off the tip of one of his little fingers. The doctor obliged but botched the job and instead ended up cutting off Ram’s middle finger down to the second knuckle. Ram howled like a catamount in heat and then with his bloody hand threw a punch at McTeague. McTeague blocked the blow with a cast iron instrument tray, causing further screechifying. Anyway, none of this helped the boy to like doctors anymore, and the little one went home without having his splinter fixed.” Further Minotaur saith not.
For the benefit of DIYers everywhere–and you know who you are! (yeah, girlfriend!)–Justice Minotaur provides here instructions for making a sleeping mat out of rhubarb stalks.
First, in the late springtime, wait until the stalks are nice and long. This requires the patience of Job.
Second, using razor-sharp surgical shears heated to 500 degrees or hotter, remove as many stalks as are needed so that when they are laid one by the side of the next, it will provide a mat to fit the human or other creature who will be using the mat.
Third, prepare the stalks by removing the leaves and by explaining to the stalks their fate.
Fourth, line up the stalks next to one another and, using yarn or bailing wire or similar, fasten the stalks together using an under/over method, going longwise.
Fifth [step omitted after several DIYers following earlier version of instructions accidentally unlimbed themselves]
Sixth, since this mat will not provide much support to your back, cover the mat completely with a twin mattress.
Mat should last up to two weeks or until hunger sets in and the stalks are needed for cuisine.
Justice Minotaur has just completed “an exhaustive 45-minute survey” of statistical data reported in the newspapers of New Salem “from the year 1846 to the present, not counting the newspapers Gneyburhould Gnus or The International Eye Wash Update.” He has asked that Mr. Cornwall transcribe here “the most worthless statistics” found in this study, to wit:
“Of all the fruit that might have been eaten in that old Datsun while the owner was commuting or driving around or whatever, it is really hard to imagine that any more than about half of it could have been mango.”
“0 = The number of bottles of Aleve found in the excavated ruins of the ancient citadel at Hisarlik.”
“After striking the locust 860 times with a giant pan, we observed that it was in a quite liquefied state.”
“Basically any guy you meet named Brint is a total loser.”
“7 = According to Shellby, the number of times her dad told that story about Mount St. Helen’s ‘royally blowing its top.'”
“If you have less than two blades in your secateurs, they probably aren’t going to work properly.”
“The letter ‘r” appears three times–and no more than three times–in the English word ‘railroader.'”
“100 percent of cephalectomies performed by Dr. Frowg could be described as either successful or unsuccessful, depending on what you believe they were intended to accomplish.”
“If the manager is out of town, I swear it usually takes the assistant manager like eight days longer to do anything because he is such a friggin’ idiot.”
[Thinking of donating an organ today? Please click here to trigger the process.]
Journal entry, 20 Messidor 225: Minotaur is scheduled to fly eastward tomorrow, for the second time in as many months, to the city that he believes is called “San Luis” but is actually St. Louis, Missouri, United States of America. Just in time, his first issue of The Frightened Traveler arrived yesterday. This is an eight-page annual printed on brown paper lunch sacks affixed together with industrial staples. Articles in this issue include the following:
Where to Sit if You Think the Plane Will Shear in Two
U.S. Surgeon General’s Report on Ear Damage from the Sucking Low Pressure of Airplane Toilets
On the Likelihood of Feeling Pain if the Plane Goes into a Mountainside
What to Eat to Make the Coroner’s Job Easier
How to Act in an Emergency if You Want to Be the Focus of a Made-for-TV Movie
Forty-Eight Capital Crimes Unique to Burma
The front and back covers of the magazine bear the following label in large red type: “You Can Use the Bags on Which This Magazine Is Printed as Barf Receptables [sic].”
[Remainder of page intentionally left blank.]
Journal entry, 7/7/2017 (Minotaur has temporarily reverted back to regular dating, having lost his French Republican Calendar conversion ruler). Minotaur saith: “Researchers have not been able to artificially reproduce the sound of a man lotioning his own toes with viscous, nourishing body cream.”
[If you are late for dialysis, click here for help.]
KISSIMMEE, FL — Unholy Retribution Publishers LLP (URP) today announced the publication of its newest title, Suddenly Tacos! ($89.95, hardback, screw-bound), authored by Korbin Minotaur, who styles himself as a justice of the peace in the country of New Salem.
“The title speaks for itself,” said Nim Chimsky, deputy editor of URP, who acquired the manuscript after learning about it in a roundabout way from members of a prisoner work crew who were casing a local playground. “You don’t have tacos and suddenly you do.” When pressed for more detail by this reporter, Chimsky said he had to referee a matkot tournament and hung up the phone.
Two other people who claimed to have read the manuscript but spoke on condition of anonymity offered contradictory perspectives on the content of the new volume. One person affiliated with the publisher said the book is a collection of recipes for how to make tacos out of miscellaneous ingredients, even some non-food items, that one might find “in a junk drawer, under a fridge, in a boy’s pockets, or in a glove box.”
Meanwhile, a source connected to the author opined that the recipes are “purely metaphorical and teach us conclusively that there is no God.”
The book will be sold initially at domestic hot air balloon festivals. It is also available to the library market as an interactive CD-ROM priced at $1,850.