Worthless Statistics

Justice Minotaur has just completed “an exhaustive 45-minute survey” of statistical data reported in the newspapers of New Salem “from the year 1846 to the present, not counting the newspapers Gneyburhould Gnus or The International Eye Wash Update.” He has asked that Mr. Cornwall transcribe here “the most worthless statistics” found in this study, to wit:

“Of all the fruit that might have been eaten in that old Datsun while the owner was commuting or driving around or whatever, it is really hard to imagine that any more than about half of it could have been mango.”

“0 = The number of bottles of Aleve found in the excavated ruins of the ancient citadel at Hisarlik.”

“After striking the locust 860 times with a giant pan, we observed that it was in a quite liquefied state.”

“Basically any guy you meet named Brint is a total loser.”

“7 = According to Shellby, the number of times her dad told that story about Mount St. Helen’s ‘royally blowing its top.'”

“If you have less than two blades in your secateurs, they probably aren’t going to work properly.”

“The letter ‘r” appears three times–and no more than three times–in the English word ‘railroader.'”

“100 percent of cephalectomies performed by Dr. Frowg could be described as either successful or unsuccessful, depending on what you believe they were intended to accomplish.”

“If the manager is out of town, I swear it usually takes the assistant manager like eight days longer to do anything because he is such a friggin’ idiot.”

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