DIY Sleeping Mat out of Rhubarb Stalks

For the benefit of DIYers everywhere–and you know who you are! (yeah, girlfriend!)–Justice Minotaur provides here instructions for making a sleeping mat out of rhubarb stalks.

First, in the late springtime, wait until the stalks are nice and long. This requires the patience of Job.

Second, using razor-sharp surgical shears heated to 500 degrees or hotter, remove as many stalks as are needed so that when they are laid one by the side of the next, it will provide a mat to fit the human or other creature who will be using the mat.

Third, prepare the stalks by removing the leaves and by explaining to the stalks their fate.

Fourth, line up the stalks next to one another and, using yarn or bailing wire or similar, fasten the stalks together using an under/over method, going longwise.

Fifth [step omitted after several DIYers following earlier version of instructions accidentally unlimbed themselves]

Sixth, since this mat will not provide much support to your back, cover the mat completely with a twin mattress.

Mat should last up to two weeks or until hunger sets in and the stalks are needed for cuisine.

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