Justice Minotaur became a paying customer of LoveSoHotItDisfigures.byz, an international dating website, a couple of weeks ago. Complaining that the site “has not yet delivered any quality goods,” Minotaur has asked Mr. Cornwall to post his dating profile here, in hopes of “making the pool both deeper, wider, and purer in one fell swoop.” The profile, as reproduced from the aforementioned website, follows:
Korbin Minotaur is a justice of the peace serving in Cattywampus, New Salem, an independent nation-state located within the boundaries of the Manti-LaSal National Forest in the State of Utah, United States of America. Justice Minotaur, the owner of real property in fee simple and the sire of one or more natural offspring, is the principal financier of a for-profit burro-shaving operation. He has received tributary produce from extraterrestrials on the pretense that he was a lawful agent of the president of the United States. His passions include tire-wetting chemicals and rotary jails. With the encouragement of his Minneapolis-based publisher, Justice Minotaur is preparing a pamphlet-length biography of the palmer Wilfred of Ivanhoe written in Sumerian. Earlier publication credits include Chimps I Have Sketched (Grande Comore: Subsaharan Publishers, 2001) and the experimental The Full Unwigging of Dolly Parton (Cattywampus: By the author, 2008), a collection of Petrarchan sonnets engraved in petrified biscuits.
-knows rules to Six Men’s Morris
-checked for prediabetes (OK if positive, but must disclose on first date)
-doesn’t mind it if Justice Minotaur’s personal scribe is always around
-coarse hair, gray eyes, no marks or brands
Proposed new vehicle names and pitch slogans, by Justice Korbin Minotaur*
-The Dodge Space Shuttle Challenger. Hard to explain, but imagine two mopeds riding side by side down the road, with the two riders holding either end of a broomstick.
-Do you need to haul stuff but don’t want to have the crappy mileage of a truck? The new Nissan Potoroo is for you. It’s a 3-row station wagon that comes with empty 5-gallon buckets that easily attach to (or detach from) the seats with a non-name-brand hook and loop fastener system. Buckets are great for carrying liquids, solids, or Bose-Einstein condensate. Buy before June 31st and we will give you a ton of unscreened pea gravel completely for free.
-The Prinhault Princeps. We don’t follow trends. They come so naturally to us that you can say we excrete them. All over the road.
-The Ford Limited Edition Hindenburg. The first car powered by Venusian storms.
-Capella Girlfriend Wagon. Sounds like maybe it’s targeted at a younger female audience, but it’s actually designed for guys who are dating more than one woman at the same time. Not sure where we take the concept after that.
-Munchenstein, by Munchenstein. That woodsy, is-he-or-isn’t-he scent that precedes your reputation that precedes you.**
-The Suzuki Lusitania. Five doors. Four wheels. Seats three. You do the math. Now available with a liquid-cooled vacuum flask for transporting organs.
*Written on the inside back cover of The History of the American Vice Presidency, 30 October 1912 through 4 March 1913 (Des Moines, IA: Potemkin, 1989).
**It appears this is promotional copy for a fragrance rather than a vehicle.
Journal entry, 26 Prairial 226: Justice Minotaur today made an enormous set of recursive dolls with Unbeknownst Darva Conger, a sometime romantic interest of his, from a maple tree whose life had been extinguished by a runaway Mazda Titan Dump. Afterward Minotaur helped her file paperwork for Missing Finger Produce Company LLC.
[This post brought to you by KSL News Radio of Salt Lake City, Utah, United States of America. KSL News Radio: For people who don’t have the Internet.]
Journal entry, 18 Prairial 228: Justice Minotaur hosted visitors from a foreign delegation today, consisting of representatives from the United States, Timor-Leste, Nauru, Bouvet Island, and the Helvetica Republic. Two gentlemen were there who also professed to be from Verona, though this could not be immediately confirmed and they were confined by authorities in a service station restroom stall pending further investigation.
After showing the delegation how to work the photomechanical copier in chambers, Minotaur took them for a picnic in Northern Wood. Mr. Cornwall was asked to come along to help serve the charcuterie and water the mounts (llamas).
After lunch, the representative from Nauru, one Phoneme Howitzer, shared a myth from his country’s traditions about a magician whose wand had to be rubberized for his own safety. Ambassador Lady Clenched Hold Joy of Timor-Leste then drew a pint of fresh milk from one of the beasts into a reliquary, quaffed it, and belched the Latin alphabet, a feat that drew rich applause. This seemed to be the immediate cause of one of the other llamas going into labor. When the cria came out, the minister from the United States issued it a nonbinary birth certificate, which was signed by everyone else present. The afternoon ended with the men trying to impress Lady Joy by pushing over a small birch tree until it snapped.
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