Date: August 29, 6018 Anno Lucis
To: All Scientists and Leaders of the Known World
From: Justice Korbin Minotaur, Undisclosed Jurisdiction, New Salem
Re: Recent Egyptian Discoveries
Let it be known that I, Justice Korbin Minotaur, am prepared to drink the red skeleton juice and eat the cursed cheese to save Earth and all life thereon from imminent annihilation. Or, rather, I am ready to have my trusted scribe, Eric of Cornwall, quaff the aforementioned Pharaoh sap and consume the Luciferian dairy product so that the planet does not burst into flames reminiscent of Muspelheim.
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Journal entry, 6 Fructidor 226: Justice Minotaur this evening hosted an elegant meal at the compound to try to buy the influence of several movers and shakers in the season leading up to elections (under New Salem law, “every judge and barrister in this land shall present himself clean shaven of face and body once every 14 years for a viva voce retention vote on the first Thor’s Day in October, at ten of the clock at the Halls of Justice and Mercy, Sponsored by Deuceman’s Fudge Byytz (TM)”). All the linens, including the toilet lid covers, were replaced with fresh cerulean offerings from Northern Epirus. The menu included skillet-cooked goat arm with beets and jelly beans, ginger-lime baby carrots hand carved like Denisovan phalanges, and key lime pie balls served in the bell of a euphonium.
Conversation was dominated by a tracklayer named Could Marry Agnes, who set forth in perfect Jerriais her views about how humans could survive long term in the hadopelagic zone. The only other guest who was able to get a word in was a wet nurse named Herodias Macbeth, who works part time for Early Shadows Hospital. She spoke proudly of the hospital’s money-back guarantee, which warrants that if “you die while getting any service, the cost of any planned future service not received is waived.”
[Click here if you want Lou Ferrigno to come to your house and beat somebody up.]
Justice Minotaur provided the following shopping list to Mr. Cornwall today:
An economy we have perhaps never before seen in a shopping list.
Journal entry, 15 Thermidor 226: Justice Minotaur signed papers today to enter an illegal beef ring with a Hutterite dentist and fifteen of her siblings.