Idea for a Movie: 44

Justice Minotaur proposed the following movie plot while attempting to use a drill press to “turn Monterey Jack into Swiss cheese” (Cornwall happened to have a tape recorder on him and so was able to capture the proposal verbatim):

“The movie is called Staring down the Barrel of a 44.

“Naturally, the person coming to the theater thinks it is going to have to do with gun violence in some way–presumably someone is held at gunpoint during the film.

“We let the audience believe this for a long time, perhaps as long as the intermission. We do this with very long character sketches, where we find out through a series of flashbacks where the main characters went to finishing school, how they like to make oatmeal, maybe what they know about the Diet of Worms, etc.–whatever it takes to prolong the time that the audience finds out the true meaning of the title.

“At some point we let the audience know, essentially, they have been fooled. The movie is not about guns. Instead, it’s about the main character not wanting to turn 44.

“But again, we know something the audience doesn’t. They think the guy–let’s say his name is Ricky Jukebox–doesn’t want to turn 44 because he is afraid of getting old, afraid of confronting his mortality. Kind of the obvious plot, right?

“So we have a lot of scenes that play into this: Jukebox looking depressed and telling friends he doesn’t want to turn 44; friends saying it isn’t so bad and buck up, man.

“Maybe this goes on an hour or two, with lots of scenes that just show Jukebox driving around the mountains on a moped trying to find some peace. Maybe he keeps running out of gas and actually has to pedal the thing, which the audience doesn’t even realize is possible.

“Finally near the end we learn the real reason he is afraid of turning 44: he had a relative, let’s say an uncle by affinity rather than consanguinity, who was gunned down mercilessly a year ago by a burglar with a .44. So now we have come full circle here, haven’t we.

“And so the man, Jukebox, has come to associate the number 44 with all things bad. In fact, he hates 44 so bad that he also hates its factors–1, 2, 4, 11, and 22.

“Anyway, so there is a sort of denouement at this point and all the tension begins to settle, as the details begin to sort themselves out. ‘Ah, no wonder he didn’t want to turn 44. Makes perfect sense now.’

“And then right before the credits roll we have one more surprise. Jukebox falls into a grain combine and is pulverized, and we fade from the colorful gore to black. This teaches the audience that Nature has a way of asserting herself completely without regard to what is convenient for us, and not everything has the clean ending that mental weaklings so crave.”

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Idea for a Movie: Notary Public

Justice Minotaur proposed the following ideas for a movie and commanded that they be recorded here.* Minotaur saith: “The first part of the film follows a man, let’s say a notary public,** as he struggles with learning how to plug in a computer. It’s a humor piece–he plugs it into the toaster, into his ear, etc. Maybe at one point he goes to a gas station to buy some gargle–you know, to break up the action a little. At about the hour mark he is felled by, say, a lightning bolt that materializes on a perfectly clear day. This character out of the way, the director is then free to explore some of her idiosyncratic theories about marine life in the Adriatic for the remaining four hours.” Further Minotaur saith not.

*The justice evidently does not intend to develop the ideas into a script or to pitch them to an agent; rather, he wants them recorded so that “when” the film is made, he can sue for treble damages on a copyright infringement action. “That it [a movie with these ideas of Minotaur’s in it] will be made is as inevitable as Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson making another lousy buddy film,” Minotaur declared.

**Minotaur said he would be open to changing the profession of this man, as long as the modifier follows the noun. For example, it would be acceptable if the man were instead an attorney general or a surgeon general.

Idea for a Movie: Laramie/Pendleton Mix-Up

Justice Minotaur commanded Mr. Cornwall to record the following “ideas for a feature-length film” on this blog.* Minotaur saith: “There is some kind of mix-up that undergirds the whole, like the corset of a large and industrious woman. Say, a man named Laramie who is from Pendleton, Oregon, and a man named Pendleton who is from Laramie, Spain, or wherever Laramie is–can you check the map for this? At this point the audience may think it’s going to be some light fare–a ‘Who’s on first?’ routine–until Pendleton kills himself while the early credits are still rolling. I am thinking something grisly–maybe a stampede. The reasons for the suicide are not explored until the sequel. Laramie is a dentist or maybe a hobo. His first name is probably Todd.” Further Minotaur saith not.

*The justice evidently does not intend to develop the ideas into a script or to pitch them to an agent; rather, he wants them recorded so that “when” the film is made, he can sue for treble damages on a copyright infringement action. “That it [a movie with these ideas of Minotaur’s in it] will be made is as inevitable as Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson making another lousy buddy film,” Minotaur declared.