Journal Entry: Naming Issue

Journal entry, 26 Thermidor 225 (Special Pre-Eclipse Entry): Justice Minotaur ruled on an unusual case this week in which two men sued each other under the Statute on Personal Name Conventions. Under the statute, “A man may bring criminal suit against another (and this applies to those of other genders other than the gender of ‘man’) for having a name that is misleading, wrongful, odd, or imbecilic. Any man convicted under this statute shall change his name or serve five years laying railroad track. If any two men shall sue one another under this statute in the same case, then one–and only one–must be convicted, even though both may have the most heavenly name or the most idiotic ever known in the records of man.”

The man who brought the claim was named Sweet Jackie Mango. He sued Frank Hematuria under the statute, who countersued Mango. Justice Minotaur ruled to convict Mango, on the grounds that his name “sounded like a medical condition.” When asked after the case by the bailiff to elaborate on what he meant, Minotaur stated, “I don’t know–it sounds kind of like if you ate too much mango and your insides got all jacked up.”

Chamois Area

If anyone needs to chamois anything off, please do so in the chamois area.

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Journal Entry: Second Trip to St. Louis

Journal entry, 20 Messidor 225: Minotaur is scheduled to fly eastward tomorrow, for the second time in as many months, to the city that he believes is called “San Luis” but is actually St. Louis, Missouri, United States of America. Just in time, his first issue of The Frightened Traveler arrived yesterday. This is an eight-page annual printed on brown paper lunch sacks affixed together with industrial staples. Articles in this issue include the following:

Where to Sit if You Think the Plane Will Shear in Two

U.S. Surgeon General’s Report on Ear Damage from the Sucking Low Pressure of Airplane Toilets

On the Likelihood of Feeling Pain if the Plane Goes into a Mountainside

What to Eat to Make the Coroner’s Job Easier

How to Act in an Emergency if You Want to Be the Focus of a Made-for-TV Movie

Forty-Eight Capital Crimes Unique to Burma

The front and back covers of the magazine bear the following label in large red type: “You Can Use the Bags on Which This Magazine Is Printed as Barf Receptables [sic].”

[Remainder of page intentionally left blank.]

Journal Entry: Observation on Lotion

Journal entry, 7/7/2017 (Minotaur has temporarily reverted back to regular dating, having lost his French Republican Calendar conversion ruler). Minotaur saith: “Researchers have not been able to artificially reproduce the sound of a man lotioning his own toes with viscous, nourishing body cream.”

[If you are late for dialysis, click here for help.]

Journal Entry: Cynosure

Journal entry, 28 Prairial 225: Justice Minotaur asked the staff to convene this evening in the courtyard of the Sleepy Imaret at eleven o’clock. Some fifteen employees, including Mr. Cornwall, responded to the invitation. When the group gathered, Minotaur instructed them to gaze upon Cynosure, which was done for about one hour, with no one allowed to speak or move, until he finally released the group. During the entirety of the event, a zephyr blew in the most putrid scent from the nearby yard where night soil is blended with landscape debris to make fertilizer.

Journal Entry: Hurtful Sayings

Journal entry, 1 Prairial 225. Justice Minotaur added a “suggestion box” this week at chambers. The purpose of this was different than expected, however. Rather than soliciting ideas for how to improve the workplace, Minotaur instead asked people to report on the “hurtful things” that people have said to them in the office.

Minotaur spent some time today going through the submissions received so far and having what he described as “a good laugh–like back when I used to watch Milton Berle.” Minotaur reported that the following submission disturbed him somewhat, since the person submitting it “obviously could not spell his or her way out of a wet paper sack”:

“Janiss in acounting told me, ‘I learnd what kind of pen you like, and I have stoped orderring that kind.’ To get her back I wated until she was out of town for vacution and then spreadd 6,500 extralarge bags of granuular herbicid onto her lawn and plantingbeds. I had to get into my retirument acounts to pay for all the poisson.” (From “anonimous”)

[Dear reader: If you have any wounds, now would be a good time to change to a clean dressing. Also, please consider an antibiotic.]

Journal Entry: Names That Don’t Work with Certain Professions

Journal entry, day not entirely clear (Mr. Cornwall accidentally drank quart of thick white cough syrup thinking it was milk): Justice Korbin Minotaur was asked earlier this week to speak to a group of local high school seniors today on the subject of career planning. These were students at Last Chance or Jail High School, which is run out of the basement of a Taco Time in the unincorporated village of Savings & Loan, New Salem. The mascot of this high school is a prediabetic ewerer eating a bowl of Bananas Foster.

According to several reports in the evening news, Minotaur informed the students that certain career options might “already be foreclosed” to them because of their names. In substance his instruction was as follows:

You are probably not going to be able to be a doctor in certain fields if you have a certain name. For example, if your name is Dred Serpent, you are probably not going to be real successful as a pediatrician. Maybe try emergency medicine, where the patients don’t have much choice in who treats them.

Let’s say you are trying out to be a night watchman, but your name is Brian Sleepington, or maybe let’s say it’s R. Constitution Sleepington. Such a surname is going to be a huge blow against you.

I had a friend named B. M. Hands when I was in the merchant marine. When he announced that he wanted to open his own butcher shop, it was like the first act of a Greek tragedy. We knew it would never go well. Today he mow lawns for the government.

Let’s say you were going to hire a wedding photographer. Would you want to hire one named Blurry Weteye? No, you wouldn’t. Anyone here named Blurry and/or Weteye? A couple of you. Well, rule out any sort of photography. Maybe look into being a fuller.

I once walked into a restaurant. I saw the hostess was named Elizabeth Tudor Ice-Heart St. Germain. This was no turnoff, since hostesses are supposed to be stuck up. The greater the disdain they evince toward us, the more we spend.

Are there any of you who want to get into dry cleaning? Wow, a sea of hands. I feel most of you are being too ambitious. After all, bear in mind you are going to school in the dank basement of a taco place. Here are some names that would be good if you are going that direction: French Groom, Trixie Cleane, Montana A. Quick. And here are some names that are basically going to disqualify you: Jack Missingbutton, Crimson Holes, Dress B. Shrunken.

Now, lastly and finally, my struggling friends, there are a few names that will open doors for you into basically any profession. One of these is my own name, Korbin Minotaur (TM). But don’t get your hopes up. It’s already taken. But some other names that will work fairly well in most situations include Salad Turlington, Appomattox Courthouse Blues, Gus Chitman, Cherry Barv, and Help Yocker.

[Click here for a map to an emergency eyewash within 30 miles of your location.]

Journal Entry: Insights into Medical History

Journal entry, 18 Floreal 225: Today Justice Korbin Minotaur delivered a lyceum lecture on the assigned topic of “Surprising Insights from the History of Medicine.” The proceedings were reported by Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth by means of “text messages” sent to Mr. Cornwall, who faithfully reproduces the messages here.

Dr. M. M. Cram Napple. name is probably not familiar (admittedly a stupid name). you will hate yourself when I tell you of his fame

Man who invented idea of food in hospitals being served in tiny disposable cups

Salve was not fully understood until the mid-20th century. Previously it was valued for aesthetic purposes only

Often in the 1800s you would go to a party and they would have a jar of salve out for everyone to look at

Admittedly they did not have that many offerings for entertainment

Today we have not only have salve, but we have balm, ointments, cream

rubs, lotions, unguents, cerate, demulcent, potions, balsam

unction, compound, oil, chrism, liniment, emulsion

paste, cosmetics, jelly, preparations

We now have an emollient so strong that if you put it on your skin, it will smoke your organs to taste like roast pork

We keep trying to sneak it into Kim Jong-un’s medicine cabinet

Earliest tourniquet was little more than a cord used to tightly tie off a limb

Today if car is not working right, you might open the hood to see what is wrong

That is kind of what Egyptians did–if person was suffering of something, they would remove the head to, quote, take a look

Took 300 years to realize this was killing the person

Zero useful medical research from head-removal work—-Butcept coming up with different ways to remove the head

Surprising number of ways to remove head

[Cottonmouth dropped phone into trough of Sprite Zero–list of ways lost]

–to that list of ways what could we add today?

Think about it-think you morons

right, we could add emollient, like I said. We have emollients that could smoke your melon off your neck is no time flat

Imagine the joy of whoever the guy was who discovered the concept of the spare kidney.

he is like, holy cow, an extra one of these

is that something where you kind of keep it a secret for a while?

like, the doctor: sorry man, your kidney is totally shot

and the patient is like, I guess I am going to die then. Tell my family goodbye.

and tell the milkman I guess not to bring so much cheese.

And the doctor is like just pranking you man!!! you have got another one!!!

And the patient is like holy cow, you had me there! I had no idea I had a spare.

And the doctor is like I know right, a spare. That will be $500,000!

[Click here to have a picture of you and your junior high gym coach painted onto the side of a New York City taxi]