Recollections of Second-Grade Classmates

Today while decimating the goat herd to encourage better discipline, Justice Minotaur shared some “fragrant remembrances” of persons who had been his classmates in the second grade. Mr. Cornwall here reproduces those utterances from memory as best he can:

Grandpa Brownhands. I swear that was his name. One of the more unfortunate names I have heard, and I have heard a lot of them. I think his parents must have lost a bet.

Costco Muffins Lex Mundi. It is possible I have not remembered the name correctly, as I attended second grade before there was such a place as Costco. In any event, she later changed her name to Amber Honeymeade and built a diorama of Gondwana out of cheese curd.

California Jones. Jones argued with his own lunchbox and called his toes “foot fingers.”

Balaam’s Ass Dukeminier. His parents were devoutly religious. I do not recall his handedness.

Mother Adam Hangman. I honestly cannot remember if this was a boy or a girl. I remember he/she claimed his/her father owned a shipyard, even though New Salem has been landlocked since probably the Pleistocene epoch.

Amber Cinnamon Darkmeade. I sniffed a lot of commercial-strength glue in my twenties so cannot rely much on my memory of events from before that time. This may have been the same person I have identified as Costco Muffins Lex Mundi.

Champollion Items. This was our teacher. He would wear two baseball caps at the same time–one with the bill pointed forward and the other pointed backward–and go around calling himself Sherlock Holmes. He said he had been married more than eight times but could not remember how many for sure. One time at lunch he borrowed a banana peel from a student and wrote out the names of a number of his former wives on the peel.

[click here for a list of ideas for how to stave off an early demise–number 3 will totally shock you!]

 

 

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On Prospect of Giants

Minotaur saith: “If the globe is taken over by a race of giants, they will presumably want to feed on humans. This is why I try to stay very bony–so that I am the last steak on the rack, as it were.” Further Minotaur saith not.

Karate Supplies

It looks like you will have to buy that new kongoken somewhere else.

Story of Ram Minotaur and the Finger

Minotaur saith: “My great uncle Ram Minotaur. His boy–he was the one who died when the William P. Frye sank–had a splinter of wood, and Ram took him to Doctor McTeague. The boy was afraid it would hurt to get it out. To show how to be tough, Ram asked the doctor to clip off the tip of one of his little fingers. The doctor obliged but botched the job and instead ended up cutting off Ram’s middle finger down to the second knuckle. Ram howled like a catamount in heat and then with his bloody hand threw a punch at McTeague. McTeague blocked the blow with a cast iron instrument tray, causing further screechifying. Anyway, none of this helped the boy to like doctors anymore, and the little one went home without having his splinter fixed.” Further Minotaur saith not.

Miscellaneous Sayings

The following brief sayings of Justice Korbin Minotaur on a variety of topics are recorded below in hopes that they will someday be of relevance to the anthropologists from the alien race that will explore our planet after the extinction of earthlings:

“It would be great if your kids were born in Angle-land in September 1752 during that whole period when they were switching out of the Julian calendar and certain dates never actually occurred. Imagine how much you would save on birthday gifts.”

“The cool thing about Noah is that anything related to him is Noachian.”

“A press in which I am an investor has just agreed to publish two important manuscripts: Curelom and Cumin: Barbecuing in Book of Mormon Times and Debates on the Properties of a Bandage That Would Survive an Apocalypse.

[Remainder of page unintentionally left blank.]

Elevator Conversation Starters

This evening while rolling an underwetted quantity of oatmeal into a giant ball, Justice Minotaur revealed the following “things that can be said by a man or a woman to get conversation started on a long elevator ride”:

  1. “To think that only yesterday I was in the back of a squad car being questioned about the disappearance of my mother.”
  2. “How are you supposed to know what country you are in when this magical capsule opens up?”
  3. “I am having fish burgers delivered here in about 20 minutes if you care to join me.”
  4. “You are one of the few people who would probably look good with a face tattoo.”
  5. “When those doors close, I always feel like I have been swallowed up as prey by some kind of terrible flying lizard.”
  6. “How has the whole Greek yogurt craze affected the lives of you and yours?”
  7. “Try calling me Tommy and see what happens.”
  8. “We received the strange news this a.m. that our doberman has a son living in Washington DC.”
  9. “If you were my cousin, I would marry you.”

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Thoughts on Bananas, Part Deux

Justice Korbin Minotaur’s further thoughts on bananas, copied out of his diary entries:

-“If Father Adam called it a banana, the French and Germans have no right to call it anything else.”

-“Shucking a banana is an inherently human act. The last thing you will ever see a robot do is shuck is a banana. Put on really thick gloves. Do it! Now, can you see how hard it is to hold it just right in the one hand–without squishing it into a paste–while snapping its neck with the other? A robot’s hands are clumsy like yours when you have gloves on. No robot will ever have the dexterity. To say nothing of the fact that a robot would never be curious enough in the first place to shuck a banana. What is the motivation if you are a robot? You don’t need the nutrients.”

-“If I had young children, I would teach them to be confident when snapping the neck of a banana. You have to do it like you are Al Qaeda. One crack, snapping like a whip on a cold morning for all to hear and admire. That is all it takes. If you proceed gingerly, the neck doesn’t snap and you bruise the tender meat. You probably also lose the girl.”

-“One of the few jokes that translates into every culture is pretending to talk on a banana as if it is a telephone.”

-“Experimental findings, day 17. Banana: tastes almost as good sliced as whole.”