Starting Lineups

Minotaur has an old program from when he watched the New Salem Junior Musketmen square off against the Kroger (TM) Two-Alarm Chilis in a game of Tiptap. He has asked that Mr. Cornwall transcribe the “starting lineups” portion of the program on this electronic newspaper. When asked who had prevailed in the contest, Minotaur answered, “I think it was canceled after the 4th sortie on account of a heavy dew.”

Starting Lineups, June 8, 1974


Wrencher: Babi Capernaum

Ballman: Shad Chadwell

Slide Forward: Jerk Trimester

Rear Forward: Knifemike Kim

Blocker: Chastity Ralphedbraut

Gripper: Podium Welcher

Reeve: Hello Clarisse

Bugler: Sturgeon Steel, DMD

Attacking Wingback: Phred Hurtwood

Sentry A: Gordon B. Monson

Sentry B: Foreign Shears

Technician: Joseph Stalling

Fine Leg: Poinsettia Kryzmhgg-LaFleur


Wrencher: An Vernix

Ballman: Spanish R. Leaflet

Slide Forward: Southern Curves

Rear Forward: Amanda U. Self-Howitzer

Blocker: Spikes Delish

Gripper: Socrates J. C. Penney Charlemagne

Reeve: Re-order Chub

Bugler: Lt. Col. Gonzago Kissimmee

Attacking Wingback: Bert Hindenburt

Sentry A: Romeo Pork

Sentry B: CTR Dahmer

Technician: Vicky Grape Tumultuousness

Fine Leg: Ewe Woolsey


Superior Judge: Eucerin Johnson

Left Referee: Mrs. Hrothgar O. Buttars

Centerpoint: Anthony Philip Michael Thomas Hall

Outside Official: Michael Jordam

Glovemaster: Persian Bridalshiv


Roommates in the Merchant Marine

Justice Minotaur today dictated the following list of individuals who he said were his roommates when he was in the merchant marine. He also added comments on a few of the names.

Geoff Bedwetter (“In one breath, he could belch the name of everyone to ever hold the rank of brigadier general or above in the United States Army”)

Multiple Hinds

Tim Savvings and Britt Loan (“These guys were always snorkeling”)

Exile Dupree Jr.

At. Night Shiztel

Private Mike Street

Abraham Lincomb (“One of the few left-handers I remember from my 20s”)

Fragger Deficit

K. Kelly Pats

Eggy Whitewater

Seep Myerson (“I think he was probably prediabetic”)

Seep Myersworth (“Or maybe it was this guy who was prediabetic”)

Pretty Wabbit

T. Whitebone Cromulent

Kyle Sportspickle (“He was one-sixteenth Welsh, or maybe it was Chinese”)

Liberty Bell Countryman

Z. Rickymaster

Theodore Prufrock Elfwhisper III (“This dude was always getting beat up”)

[Remainder of page unintentionally left blank.]

Worthless Statistics

Justice Minotaur has just completed “an exhaustive 45-minute survey” of statistical data reported in the newspapers of New Salem “from the year 1846 to the present, not counting the newspapers Gneyburhould Gnus or The International Eye Wash Update.” He has asked that Mr. Cornwall transcribe here “the most worthless statistics” found in this study, to wit:

“Of all the fruit that might have been eaten in that old Datsun while the owner was commuting or driving around or whatever, it is really hard to imagine that any more than about half of it could have been mango.”

“0 = The number of bottles of Aleve found in the excavated ruins of the ancient citadel at Hisarlik.”

“After striking the locust 860 times with a giant pan, we observed that it was in a quite liquefied state.”

“Basically any guy you meet named Brint is a total loser.”

“7 = According to Shellby, the number of times her dad told that story about Mount St. Helen’s ‘royally blowing its top.'”

“If you have less than two blades in your secateurs, they probably aren’t going to work properly.”

“The letter ‘r” appears three times–and no more than three times–in the English word ‘railroader.'”

“100 percent of cephalectomies performed by Dr. Frowg could be described as either successful or unsuccessful, depending on what you believe they were intended to accomplish.”

“If the manager is out of town, I swear it usually takes the assistant manager like eight days longer to do anything because he is such a friggin’ idiot.”

[Thinking of donating an organ today? Please click here to trigger the process.]

Summer Reading List

Justice Minotaur has asked that a report be compiled on “what in tarnation everyone on the staff is reading this summer” and that the list be published by means of this electronic bulletin. He also commanded that there be no puns used here involving the word “list,” such as “to the lists,” “the wind bloweth where it listeth,” or “checking it twice.” The report, as faithfully compiled by Mr. Cornwall while battling scurvy, follows:

Justice Korbin Minotaur, justice of the peace. Daily Nugget of Wisdom (TM) Calendar for Those with Atopic Dermatitis.

Yao Mingsley, yoghurt steward. The History of McGruff the Crime Dog They Don’t Want You to Know.

Gilded Shears, lector. Probing the Origins of Felt.

Barbie Self-Howitzer, ornatrix. Fires of Agamemnon, Volume 3, Part B: The Minced Oath. Volume 16 of The Putrescent Tube Mysteries.

Lyman Tinywatson, bailiff. The Wet Metal Bowl: How to Get More Out of Life by Imagining the Horrors of Electrocution.

Phamily Junebride, necessary woman. 1,001 Poems on Vulpicide.

Duchess Shilly Hazzard, karateka. Privy Dirt: An Oral History of New Salem’s Greatest Rock Band.

Hardwood Marx, biographer. Writing a Biography That Doesn’t Totally Suck.

Mike.jpeg Winner, internuncio. Speech of Mr. Burges, of Rhode Island, on the Motion to Strike from the General Appropriation Bill the Salary Appropriated for the Minister of Russia. Delivered in the House of Representatives, February 3, 1831.

Lemmon Khrisph, gong farmer. The Daily Use of Trust Falls as a Way to Build Deep, Abiding Trust in Families, Workplaces, Communities, and Nations.

Eric of Cornwall [listed last, per the command of Justice Minotaur], court clerk. The Bible for Left-Handed People.

[Remainder of page unintentionally left blank.]

Lawsuits Pending before Justice Minotaur

List of lawsuits currently pending before Justice Minotaur, as reported by the court deputy clerk, Integrity Shears:

Prefontaine v. Hindenburg Motor LLC. Plaintiff alleges that self-driving automobile manufactured by defendant will drive only to Skipper’s Seafood.

Dunsinane v. Louisville Crimson Clovers LLC. Plaintiff, who attended minor league baseball game at defendant’s facility in early May, claims that outcome of between-innings race by persons in fruit costumes was predetermined.

Clark v. Simpson. Plaintiff alleges that his roommate, a young Mormon man who returned six months ago from a full-time missionary assignment in South America, “is capable of speaking perfect English but occasionally slips in Spanish words and phrases–especially ‘charlas’–when talking to girls.”

Haig v. Tiny Watson’s Mercantile LLC. Plaintiff sues on the grounds that undershorts plaintiff purchased at defendant’s general merchandise store “seem to become soggy every morning.”

Habsburg v. Hohenzollern Publishing LLC. Plaintiff alleges that denouement of novel bearing defendant’s imprint is “total downer.”

Nephilim v. Pequenos Keebleros LLC. Plaintiff, a self-described “constantly thirsty landscaper,” asks for punitive damages against the owner-operator of a soda machine that “is always out of the good kinds, leaving [plaintiff] no choice but to purchase Sierra Mist.”

Marbury v. Madison. Plaintiff brings suit in equity, seeking to ban defendant from saying “totally 90s” terms such as “Aight” and “What’s the dealio?”

Journal Entry: Hurtful Sayings

Journal entry, 1 Prairial 225. Justice Minotaur added a “suggestion box” this week at chambers. The purpose of this was different than expected, however. Rather than soliciting ideas for how to improve the workplace, Minotaur instead asked people to report on the “hurtful things” that people have said to them in the office.

Minotaur spent some time today going through the submissions received so far and having what he described as “a good laugh–like back when I used to watch Milton Berle.” Minotaur reported that the following submission disturbed him somewhat, since the person submitting it “obviously could not spell his or her way out of a wet paper sack”:

“Janiss in acounting told me, ‘I learnd what kind of pen you like, and I have stoped orderring that kind.’ To get her back I wated until she was out of town for vacution and then spreadd 6,500 extralarge bags of granuular herbicid onto her lawn and plantingbeds. I had to get into my retirument acounts to pay for all the poisson.” (From “anonimous”)

[Dear reader: If you have any wounds, now would be a good time to change to a clean dressing. Also, please consider an antibiotic.]