Top Commands to Alexa

Top commands given by English speakers in North America and Guam to Alexa (Amazon’s virtual digital assistant) since May 14, 2017, as reported by Justice Korbin Minotaur Worldwide Consulting and Goat Boots LLC:

“Alexa, convince my wife to stop wearing pantsuits.”

“Alexa, find out whatever channel This Is Us is on and delete the channel from my TV.”

“Alexa, call the government and change my name to Commander Ryam Wu.”

“Alexa, if someone comes in to murder me, start recording and send it to the cops.”

“I need to know something, Caroline. The way we used to be together–I don’t mean lately, but before–it was real, wasn’t it?”

“Alexa, call Murdock Plumbing and tell them we have that tee extractor set in stock. And tell Murdock he can burn in hell if he doesn’t pay for it by Friday.”

“Alexa, play a song that doesn’t royally suck.”


Minotaur’s Index to “Warm Shasta”

Since at least the year 203 (or 1995 by the more common reckoning), Justice Minotaur has been working on a manuscript for a work he calls “autobiographical, historical, brief, tedious, pastoral, pastoral-comical, historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-historical-pastoral, merry, poetical, fecund, and spasmodic.”

He also claims it will “reconcile the ways of God to man.” From what Mr. Cornwall has observed, the manuscript, presently titled “Warm Shasta,” is no longer than about 1,000 words and is entirely inscribed on the inside portion of a cereal box that mysteriously remains perpetually moist.

Fearing that he would never complete the manuscript before “the reaper forces his hemlock down my gizzard,” Minotaur decided about a year ago to focus on preparing the index for the manuscript. This way, “if I croak before the job is done,” he argues, “my heirs, successors, and assigns can easily use the index to produce the manuscript–as if it were a sure map to all the gold in Olympus.”

Minotaur has commanded Cornwall to here reproduce the index such as it exists at this moment, though Minotaur has taken a blood oath to “revise it daily until the end of the world like Michael Saint Angelo hacking away at David.


Note from JKM: descriptors are not given for a main entry when it is expected that the entry will not have five or more subentries.


Abraham, Chernobyl


ACDC, Volcanoes

Alliance-Pumpkin, Troy: accuses father of being the Steward of Gondor after seeing him masticating cherry tomatoes; as associate reeve of Bong County; belches Cyrillic alphabet; drives 1974 Renault off cliff in insurance fraud scheme; fires scullion after incident with strangled horse; handedness of; injured playing mumblety-peg; sells candle that smells like “14 boys slept together in one sleeping bag”; speculation about possible prediabetes of; uses steroids to try to stimulate growth of webbing in feet

alphabet, Cyrillic

Alpines, Murder

Anderson, Is This A Dagger I See Before Me

Angelo, Michael

apes, parable of

Arnold, Eggs Benedict



Baden-Powelm, Lord

Baggit, Bilbo Grocery

Balaam, ass of

Banana, Answer Th.

Banana, Gas Station

bananas: arguments about whether they are sentient; cache of, found in exhumed grave of Kodiak bear executed in 17th century for vagrancy; cravings for “ungassed” bananas; ketchup from; names of ex-wives written on peel of; parable of banana; as part of berry family; pass from green to brown, bypassing yellow; phloem of; prices of, at various gas stations; various methods of shucking

Bananas, Altogether

bandage, parable of

Barfmie’s Intraregional Natatorium, New Salem

Bathsheba, Plenty

Beachhead, Mesh Jersey

Beakbird, Tabitha

beaver, parable of

Beard, Vermilion

Bedpants, Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Beethoven, Pangaea von

Berzerker, Stefaenie

Blowers, Raisin

Boatshoes, Chief Utah

Bong County, New Salem

Book of Mormon

Booth, Abraham Lincoln

Bottoms, Lysander

Braun, Encyclopedia

breakfast, hot

Brilliant, Distribution

Broadcast, Noodles

Brownhands, Grandpa

Bryan, Middle Finger

Bundy, Grandma

Burgledmeat, Jack

Burnt Nimrod, New Salem

Buttars, Shea

button button who’s got the button (saying)

“Button Button Who’s Got the Button” (rock song)


Caesar, Julius

Caesar, Julius (Shakespeare)

Calpurnia, Oh Organs: announces she will not attend professional conferences except those where all sessions, including plenaries, are held on the mezzanine level; in ironic twist, experiences series of unexpected challenges when trying to write biography of the discoverer of Murphy’s Law; has sense of foreboding 24 hours before any murder is committed within 50-mile radius; handedness of; speculation about possible prediabetes of; teaches 8-part community course on proper use of garden hose

Calrissian, Billy Dee: argues that in early productions of Hamlet, Polonius came out in scuba gear; builds replica of Goseck circle out of chipped beef; calls doctor when prized head of lettuce exhibits symptoms of cold urticaria; claims that 2002 Daewoo Leganza is “too feminine”; completes as figure skater in Olympics as first athlete wearing a glued-on fake third arm; family pedigree is as confusing as that of a Faulkner character; forms illegal tontine with Thane of Cawdor; handedness of; spanks son with plastic imitation mason’s trowel until son promises to join Improved Order of Red Men on 18th birthday; speculation about possible prediabetes of

candle, dispute over

Caspian Sea

Cavelady, Roger L.

Cawdor, Thane of (in Macbeth)

Cawdor, Thane of (uncle of JKM)


Chad, Straight Holy

chambers (of JKM): allows cutoffs with mesh half-shirts on casual Fridays; incident with abused microwave privileges; incident with failure to restock pens; incident with fake vomit that leads to a double stabbing; incident with fire extinguisher filled with tartar sauce; regulation requiring use of only Anglo-Saxon words

Charlie Sheen Christian Academy

Cheese, parable of. See also Gouda

Cheese, Moore Government: caught drinking stolen gargle in trunk of Peugeot; dies after drinking unlabeled gravy-like substance at an agricultural supply store; handedness of; last words are “Give ’em Jessee”; speculation about possible prediabetes of; takes reading from gerbil organs when deciding whether to enlist in merchant marine; wears bright yellow clothing while riding to bus “so the deer can see me”; writes government-censored story of a male bear who dreams of she-bears and burgled honey

chemise cagoule

Chimsky, Follower

Chimpsky, Nim

Chitman, Gus

Cho Ming, Second Amendment

Chowder, Timber-Yelling


clock, duodecimal

Clowns, Forever

Cobble, Mrs. Jeremiah

Coltrane, Daisy Duke

Combover, Amanda

Confusion, Frigaliment Chicken

Conger, Unbeknownst Darva

Cops and Robbersons and Ophelia (experimental opera/horror)


cornbread, parable of

Cornwall, Eric of. See Scribal helper


Cowell, Seacrest Out

Coxcomb, Commander Gassy

Cream, Lullaby Eagle’s

Cribbage, Barber Holly

Crissy, Schnozz

Crossen, Father Chris

Crossen, Rubicon

Cuppressina, Ratface



dating systems: Egyptian; Florentine; Gezer; Inuit; Minguo; Pyu; “stare at the sun and guess”; Symmetry454

Daze, Halcyon

Desdemona (in Othello)

Dingsley, Ming

Dinner, Rented Girlfriend Family

Doeth, Right Hand

Dogface, Amy



Dorito, Lady Bobbi

Droy, Helen of

Dryback, Kissy

Duke, Luke

Dukeminier, Balaam Ass

Dumpor’s Case, Rule in



Eastern, Spaghetti


Egyptian dating system


Elves, Conflagration

Encephalectomy, Costco

engine block, parable of

England, Do It


Espanada, Bolder

“Estimation of Primary Metabolites and Antioxidant Potential of Araucaria Araucana and Dicentra Eximia” (F. H. A. Seven)


Exploderman, Ford Pinto

Expression, Softfruit



familiaricide in commutatione eius possessio

Farms, Quenchington

Farms, Sleepington

Father, Better Mayflower Queenie

Faulkner, William

Ferdinand, Franz



Firm, Grip

First Christian Sect of New Salem

Fivetolife, Upkurt

Flocculate, Babysitter

Florentine dating system

Foresleeves, Officer Terry: argues that bananas are sentient; beats C. B. M. Salve with steel pipe to extract legally admissible confession to loitering; cuts hair in Samsonite bargain to try to win love of Q. M. Guernsey; entirely from guesswork, creates tide tables to Caspian Sea for the year 1866; family rubberizes his magic wand (used in magic shows) for his own safety; handedness of; sometimes uses agnomen “Herbie”; speculation about possible prediabetes of; when wife is being operated on, mix-up in operating room leads to robot informing him of her demise rather than human physician

Ft. Kearney, Vegetables


Genius Training School LLC

George Armstrong Custard (restaurant)

Gerber, Give-Em

Gezer dating system


Girlfriend, Potemkin

Godwinson, Harold

gold, parable of

Goldenshorts, GT


Gore, Tomahawk

Goseck circle


Gonzago, Murder of

Gonzago, Skyler R.: breaks into local printshop to access sufficient quantities of supplies to make to-scale aircraft carrier out of paper; confused about location of Guam; murdered; opines that “personal nadir” was when he “kissed a girl in a Yugo”; as reeve of Bong County

Green, Grocery: argues that Huckleberry Finn was composed using a telephone keypad; decides to join First Christian Sect of New Salem after consulting Ouija board; handedness of; makes meat pies in a Samsonite Cruisair DLX 26″ spinner; quits merchant marine after learning it owns no waterborne vessels of any kind; speculation about possible prediabetes of; temporarily changes name to Soapy Richardson to trick people into mailing him advertising material for car wash owners; uses class 4 laser to quarter melons at family party

Guernsey, Queen Mab

Gunsmoke, Manna


[Note: This portion of the index is brought to you by Hafen’s Tiny Manmade Food Nibbles, Made in New Salem by Legal New Salemites. If It Ain’t Hafen, It’s From Immigrants Who Want to Steal Your Job (TM)]

Half-Shirt, Teacher

Hallelujah, Combo (step-sister of JKM)

Hallelujah, Manders (step-sister of JKM)

Hallelujah, Wholesome (step-sister of JKM)

Hamlet (Shakespeare)


Hands, Bathroom Holding

Hard, Space Other Things

Hardee’s (restaurant) (TM): considers trademarkable name for chocolate chip cookies (such as “Huge Mother of Satan Cookie”) but content for now to maintain generic descriptive title; cooking times for quarter-pound patties; customer complains that fries taste “like gourdmeat”; deliciousness of Frisco Breakfast Sandwich (TM); drive-through traffic slower in afternoons and late evenings; expands offering of breakfast sides; fined for building underground tunnel to pet cemetery; hires bloodhound who helpfully yaps to identify possibly prediabetic customers; invention of six-sided hamburger patty; marriage in deep freeze of; offers discount on All Star Meals (TM) on Thursdays after 2 p.m.; to prepare for possible Y2K worldwide computer shutdown, installs two soup cans connected by string as backup to regular drive-through communication; promotional activities by Karl Malone make little difference because New Salemites seldom watch American basketball; raises price on Crispy Curls (TM) and French fries after learning of 19th-century Irish potato famine; refuses to cobrand with Carl’s Jr. (TM); reserves special seating area for ambidextrous patrons; rumors that head of Wilber Hardee is preserved in Crisco (TM) in unused fry vat; runs out of jumbo chili dogs after visit from local Patriotic Paramilitary Scout troop; someone keeps illegally disposing mattresses and TV sets in dumpster of; studies possible relationship between employee handedness and efficiency; tries to compete against Red Robin with new “robin meat burger”; tries to save cleaning time and costs by asking customers to go to the bathroom outside in the bushes


Hat, Gno

Haul, Tammany

health. See Medicine and health

Hearse, Lucky

Helen of Droy

Helvetica Republic

hematuria, frank

Hematuria, Gross

Hematuria, L. Frank

Hewson, Ensign Paul: as act of penance, renames constellations after boys he beat up in junior high school; before first date in high school, puts a lady’s wig on his dog and practices giving it kisses; handedness of; keeps telling people he was born in Orlando; leaves note for milkman saying “No more curd!”; posits that dogs bury their food because their forebears were involved in piracy on the high seas; sets local record for amount of Alfredo sauce stored in glovebox; signs binding pledge to blow nose at least once annually; speculation about possible prediabetes of

Hiawatha, L. Lotion

Hiss, Fanny Alger

HMS Colander (ship)

Hogg, Boss

Holiday, Extreme Rash


Horsemane, Kaggy

Horsewhipper, Jayson

horses, riderless

Hose, Loser

Huckleberry Finn (Twain)

Huge Mother of Satan Cookie

Huggenkiss, Amanda

Humanlike beings. See Elves; Trolls

Hurrah, Muffintops

Hypotenuse, New Delhi

Hypotenuse, Prime V. D.


ice cream man, parable of

Iced-Head, Disney

Icemelting Pants LLC


Imaum of Muscat (ship)

Improved Order of Red Men (fraternal society)

Intern, Crossing Guard

intern, crossing guard

Inuit dating system

Ironclad, Dollie William


Jamestown, Virginia, U.S.A.

Jeep, Beheading

Jemima, Uncle

Jerry, Keepaway

Johnson, Chickens

Johnson, Eucerin (TM)

Johnson, Refried Beans

Johnsonshadows, Dancers Aquafresh-Permish

Jones, California

Joy, Clenched Hold

Joy Barfings County, New Salem

Juice, Non Sine

Julius Caesar (Shakespeare)

Junctions, Presidential


Kawasaki, Caoilfhionn Siobhan del Taco

Keeper, Old Brown

Kellogg, Raisin B.

Kenesaw Mountain Landis Mountain, New Salem

Kennedy, Lee Harvey

Keymother, Tom

Killing. See individual types

Killjoy, Professor Barbie

King, Burger Sewer

Klingon (language)

Koonskin, Dr. Diablo


Lady, Look To The

Lastings, Granola

Lawyer, Big Firm

Lick Fork, New Salem

Lightning-Rod, Benjamin Franklin

Lunch Loser Co., New Salem


Macbeth (Shakespeare)

Macbeth, Hamlet Huckleberry

Magnetic Shorts LLC

Maine (ship)

Maine, Remember

Majesty, Candles Her

Manburger, Desdemona

mangoes, parable of

Marimo, Dan

Marie, Therapy Sweet

Masterpiece, Name Speed

Mater, Darth


meetinghouse library (Mormonite)

mezzanine level, importance of

Midnight, Chimes

Milton, John

Mingsley, Ding. See Dingsley, Ming

Minguo dating system

Minotaur, Howitzer (half-brother of JKM)

MINOTAUR, JUSTICE KORBIN (author of this work) (JKM herein): as board member of Magnetic Shorts LLC; lost bet as reason for wearing gossamer women’s nightgown for 12 years; petitions childhood elementary school to change its name to Genius Training School LLC; pours quart of fresh orange juice each evening in whatever shoes he wore that day to thank them for their service; successfully identifies Minnesota on U.S. map; writes poem in praise of Hardee’s Frisco Breakfast Sandwich (TM)

-Family of: Christmas exchange of coveralls; claim of descendancy from Archduke Franz Ferdinand; every claimed pregnancy subject to writ of venter inspiciendo; handedness of members of; invests in unseen cache of animal skins; literal attempt to live in giant shoebox; perform Pericles in the nude to demonstrate against new postal regulations; speculation about possible prediabetes of members of; tire-wetting chemicals as central component in celebrations of

-Health history: bowels figuratively cry “uncle” after greasy pork dinner; covers face in thick salve to get out of carpool assignment; dental records lost in prairie twister; fear of prediabetes; fears blindness before remembering wearing blindfold to bed; hand briefly trapped in meat sandwich; humors fall out of balance after “heavy miming”; nausea and gas after eating penguin hoosh; sylvan enuresis of

-Jurisprudence and legal career: asks bailiff to put defendant into fingercuffs; case of the mysterious ichor; dismisses man with fruit-basket hat during voir dire; dispute over regifted candle; invokes Rule in Dumpor’s Case to invalidate contract regarding contemplated reupholstering of a totaled Trabant; invokes Rule in Shelley’s Case to deport family of guinea pigs; rebukes police officer on witness stand for deliberately speaking without use of velar plosives

-Opinions and teachings of: attractiveness of women with neotenous arms; confusion of “have” for “halve” in saying “can I have your doughnut?”; corruption in New Salem Bureau of Government Cheese; Desdemona must not have been smothered to death, because if she was how could she have given a deathbed speech; evils of theorrhea; evolution of humankind from the semicolon; gouda as “summum bonum” of cheese; history of tauricide; if Mormonites did not invent the meetinghouse library, they perfected it; John Milton blinded himself for insurance purposes; only reason that ski jumpers are willing to go through with jumps is that they are controlled by a dark power from the Underworld; play within a play device offers unmatched window into one’s own soul; Pyrmaus and Thisbe is superior to Othello; riderless horse as primary way that people in former times learned of someone’s death; self-lubricating eyes in eagles; Trapper Keeper as “personal Fort Knox”; “you know a man’s soul by how he shucks a banana.” See also Parables


Minotaur, Lord Cornwallis (brother of JKM)

Minotaur Saith blog

Minshew, Elder, Jr.

Mirage, Cheerleader Girlfriend

Missing Finger Produce Company, LLC

mittens, parable of

Moneybags, Sog

monkey, theorem of infinite

Monks, Proverbial Three


Morning, 7-11 Christmas

Motherlode, Anti-Gnu

Mouse-Trap, The


Mundi, Costco Muffins Lex


naval toasts

nibs (of pens)

Nevermind, Barry

nephrectomy, parable of


New Salem: allows slaughter of gerbils and reading of their organs for guidance on important national issues; Book of Mormon peoples as possible founders of; Bureau of Government Cheese; merchant marine; moonmen as possible founders of; offers immunity to rogue ethnographers who agree to become Tylers; offers tax incentive to restaurants that purchase “used animals” from veterinary hospitals; outlaws barn-raising except by Amish persons; outlaws showing of Martin Short movies in assisted-living facilities; outlaws pseudo-chivalric orders; passes bill requiring use of chemise cagoule by all married couples; prohibits spelling “yoghurt” from being used on any dairy items that will likely be eaten by “brawny workmen”; settlers from Jamestown as possible founders of; stowaway Elizabethan actor as possible founder of; sued for feeding kangaroo meat to incarcerated juvenile delinquents; Vikings as possible founders of. See also individual locations

Nightfall, Shiz

Nightsoil, Dolli

Noah’s Tears Pet Cemetery LLC

Nordstrom, D. Surface

Nubile, Picea Omorika

Nuncle! (great uncle of JKM)


O’Brien, Potatoes

Offeree, Three-Time

Oils, Lady Human

One Hundred Twenty, Three Ships

O’Neils, Shaquille

Oog, Caesar: argues that biggest technological change of last century is that paper towels have become less absorbent; asks D. S. Nordstrom if she would like to interdigitate fingers with him; did not have enough force to urinate in an arc until he was twenty-eight years old; handedness of; moves to Beaver, Utah, in 1988; moves from Beaver, Utah, in 1990; moves back to Beaver, Utah, in 1992; moves from Beaver, Utah, in 1994; moves back to Beaver, Utah, in 1994; moves from Beaver, Utah, in 1995; moves back to Beaver, Utah, in 1998; moves from Beaver, Utah, in 1999; moves back to Beaver, Utah, in 1999; moves again from Beaver, Utah, in 1999; moves back to Beaver, Utah, in 2001; moves from Beaver, Utah, in 2002; moves back to Beaver, Utah, in 2004; moves from Beaver, Utah, in 2005; moves back to Beaver, Utah, in 2007; moves from Beaver, Utah, in 2008; moves back to Beaver, Utah, in 2009; moves from Beaver, Utah, in 2010; moves back to Beaver, Utah, in 2012; refers to toes as “foot fingers”; speculation about possible prediabetes of; starts walking to work after noticing that bus driver on his route has won “customer of the month” award from liquor store; whenever he opens a chocolate bar, someone asks him if his name is Charlie Bucket; writes names of his seven ex-wives on peel of banana at Macbeth’s Gas N Go

Oog, Czar

Oog, Kaizer

Oog, Tsar

Orlando, Florida, U.S.A.

Othello (Shakespeare)


Pansy, Storm (step-sister-in-law of JKM): announces she and her husband are “willing and ready” to adopt any baby, “except for a man dressed up like a baby”; falls asleep on beach and wakes up to find group of ants trying to build a Costco in her shoe; forbidden by parents from changing her name to Mr. DinoBuckets; gives substantial donation over phone to a man who says his name is Luke Duke and that he is being pursued by an evil mastermind named Boss Hogg; handedness of; marries U. T. Tapis in Hardee’s walk-in deep freeze; speculation about possible prediabetes of; teaches highly intelligent Griffon Bruxellois to bark dialogue from entire run of Simon & Simon American television show

Pants, Associate Justice

Pants, Nougat O. N.

Pants, Scarlet Brown

Pants, Self-Watering

Pants, Sensible J.

Pantserman, Jog Briefly

Pantserman, Under

Papadopolis, Emmanuel Lewis

Parables: beaver who made its own mittens; botched nephrectomy; boy who cried Yahtzee!; Chevrolet engine block, the cornbread, and the turpentine; dojo that lost business permit for “filthy gis”; imported tartar sauce; man who tried to make comprehensive list of all cheeses in world; mangoes and three sure-footed tribesmen; shrewdness of prediabetic apes lost in Columbus OH; the one ice cream man on earth who is not a pervert; telephone that looks like a banana; testatrix and the blood-soaked head bandage; wolves and gold

Patriotic Paramilitary Scouts

Peaches, Cancer

pen nibs

Pepitas, Halfway

Pericles (Shakespeare)

Peterman, J.

phloem (of banana)

Pits, Mitchum

play within a play (dramatic device)

Pole, Dangled

postal system

Postbellum, Lady Mary Surrat


Pounders, Brooks

Principle, Shamu Uncertainty

Privileges, Franking

Protection, Flowers Witness

Proto-Leningrad, Magic Happens

Prynne, Chastity H.


Pyramus and Thisbe

Pyu dating system


Quartermaster, Ricky-David


Rectum, Netherlands

Red Robin

Reigns, Pleuvoir

Remembrance, Dr. Morpheus

Republic of Indian Stream

Respect Grilled Bun Co., New Salem

Robespierre, Temujin

Rodder, Big Bird

Rodman, Ancient Tod

Roper, Chareese Wheelbarrow: despises being called “Mrs. Roper”; divorces husband for “failure to converse intelligently about pen nibs”; fails to restock green pens in timely manner; gives husband painting of him “burning in hell”  for not giving sufficiently impressive bouquet for Valentine’s Day; handedness of; loses eyeglasses in vat of illegal nog; names her son “Coors and Smokes” so that when she calls his name, hopefully someone will also bring her a beer and cigarettes; speculation about possible prediabetes of; takes online courses to become tosher

Roper, Coors and Smokes

Runnymede, Amber Dipthong


Salmonchase, Dollar

Salve, Counterfeit B. M.


Sandwich, Infinite Neptune of

Sandwich, Toblerone (TM) Cat

Satan-Bound, Missy Anne

Satan’s Kingdom, New Salem

Sauce, Albert

Sauces: Albert; banana ketchup; hoisin; hollandaise; mayonnaise; Ragu (TM); samjang; tartar

Savings, Manburger

Schatt, Holofernes Matt

Scribal helper (Eric of Cornwall): abuses break room microwave privileges; ambiguous handedness of; burns phalanges mailing hot breakfast to self; deserves no more credit for greatness of Minotaur Saith blog than does random envelope that bore the Gettysburg Address for greatness of that speech; for Lent, gives up urinating outdoors; halitosis of; kicked out of elementary school for drawing picture of Wonder Twins kissing; in preparation for possible end-of-days famine scenario, buys stock in hot sauce manufacturer, believing that people will buy more hot sauce in order to season dirt and other non-food items; slips and breaks cuboid bone when trying to kiss Crooked Shears; tries to recycle used au jus; wears kandys in the shower

Sealer, Rowdy Brat


Seven, Anno Mundi

Seven, Frozen Head Aisle: asks mother to explain bizarre naming decision; believes Alaska and Hawaii are near each other because of proximity on many U.S. maps; cannot figure out why he keeps getting pulled over when circling elementary schools in black, windowless van; claims he has never heard of Guam; girlfriend breaks up with him when he shows up for date on moped; handedness of; publishes peer-reviewed scientific paper titled “Estimation of Primary Metabolites and Antioxidant Potential of Araucaria Araucana and Dicentra Eximia”; as quartermaster of Magnetic Shorts LLC; speculation about possible prediabetes of; subjected to ordeal by water after failing to replenish tartar sauce; takes 11 items into “10 items or less” line and argues limitation on quantity is invalid because grammatically sign should have said “10 items or fewer”; wears two belts, “in case one falls off”

Shakespeare, William. See individual plays

Shamu Hot Pockets (TM)

Sham Wedding, New Salem

Shasta, Forever Warm

Shears, Crooked

Shears, Found

Shears, Gilded

Shears, Sinister

Sheep, Goliath Amy

Shelley’s Case, Rule in


Short, Martin

Short, Steve Martin

Shorts, Ill Fitting

Shorts, Problem N. (aunt of JKM)

Shushmore, Mount: asks P. O. Nubile if she will be his “stopgap girlfriend”; attempts to reforge blade of Isildur; enrolls in online swimming course; founds Missing Finger Produce Company LLC in effort to find his severed finger, which he believes is probably in a produce box somewhere; handedness of; invents recipe for 3 percent milk (half gallon of 2 percent plus half gallon of 4 percent); speculation about possible prediabetes of

Simon & Simon (American television show)

Sirham, Sirhan

ski jumping

Smokebush, Perfect Mikey

Snakemilk, Jessica Promise

Softies, B. M.

Sweet-Medicine, Hold-Me

Sparkles, C. Tomography

Spheroid, Leather Prolate

Spices, New World

St. Bamberger, Gravy

Steakbutter, Crimes

St. Jude, Vulcan

Stopgap, Brittany Girlfriend

Stroganoff, Rambo Y.

Styles, Hairy

Sugarloaf, Bambi

Suk, Yu Gunna

surnames, occupational: abbey, abbott, ackerman, alderman, archer, arkwright, arrowsmith, backus, bailey, baker, banister, bannerman, barber, barker, baxter, beadle, bean, beck, bell, benbow, bender, best, bird, bishop, boatman, boatwright, bolt, bolter, bond, bowman, bowyer, brasher, brazier, brewer, brewster, brickman, buckler, burgess, burrell, butcher, butler, canner, cannon, carder, carman, carpenter, carter, cartwright, carver, causer, chamberlain, chambers, chancellor, chandler, chapman, chase, cheeseman, chevrier, clark, clarkson, clay, coke, coleman, conner, constable, cook, cookson, cooper, coppersmith, cornett, corwin, cotterill, coupe, cowell, cowherd, cowman, crocker, cropper, currier, cutler, dean, dempster, dexter, dickman, doctor, draper, driver, duke, dyer, earl, eisenhowerfalconer, farmer, faulkner, fiddler, fisher, fishman, fletcher, flexman, foreman, forester, foster, fowler, frobisher, franklin, fry, fuller, gage, gardener, garner, garnet, glass, glazier, glover, goffe, goldsmith, granger, graves, grover, harper, hawker, hayward, head, hoggart, hooper, hopper, horner, hosier, howard, hunter, hurd, inman, jakeman, jardine, joiner, judge, kaiser, kay, kellogg, kettler, king, kitchener, knatchbull, knight, kramer, leach, lister, lorimer, luther, lynch, malthus, marchand, marshall, martel, mason, masters, mather, mayer, mayor, mercer, merchant, messenger, messer, meyer, millard, miller, millhouse, monger, mossman, muller, mutton, myers, napier, norris, ostler, page, palfrey, palmer, park, parker, parsons, pasteur, pastor, peck, pender, piper, pitman, plank, plowman, porcher, porter, potter, pound, prince, provost, pryor, punter, purser, ranger, rector, reeve, rex, rider, rimmer, ritter, roper, royer, rutter, ryder, rye, sadler, sage, salter, sangster, sargent, sartorius, sawyer, saylor, schneider, schreiber, schubert, scrivener, sergeant, seward, sexton, shearer, shepherd, sherman, shoemaker, shoesmith, skinner, slater, smith, snider, spear, spencer, spicer, spinner, spooner, stabler, steed, steele, steward, stoddard, stringer, stone, stringfellow, sumner, tanner, tasker, tauber, taylor, thatcher, tinker, tollemache, toller, trump, tucker, tupper, turner, tyler, usher, verger, vogler, wagner, wainwright, waldroup, walker, waller, ward, wardrobe, warner, waterman, wayne, weaver, webb, webber, webster, wheeler, wheelwright, whitbread, woodward, workman, wright, yateman, yates

Susar, Sammy

Symmetry454 dating system


Tapis, Upon The (step-brother of JKM): announces to family during swim meet that he has become Winebrennerian; bruises skin wearing hauberk without a doublet; handedness of; makes a to-scale Pangaea out of goat curd; marries S. Pansy in Hardee’s walk-in deep freeze; publishes peer-reviewed academic paper reporting that subjects observed by researchers did most of their personal grooming in mornings and evenings, with very little grooming done while subjects were riding bareback; shaves back of neck so vigorously before job interview that he requires hospitalization for second-degree burn; on son’s first date, forces him to wear hideous wig to ensure his chastity; speculation about possible prediabetes of; takes anemic son to toad doctor for treatment

tartar sauce, parable of


Tecum, Count Duces

telephone, parable of

testatrix, parable of


Tiger-Meat, Amy

Tinywatson, Fifty Shades

Tinywatson, Isis

tire-wetting chemicals


touch and concern (legal doctrine)

Trapper Keeper

tribesmen, parable of


turpentine, parable of

Twenty-Two, Diapered



Useless Bran, New Salem



Vacation, L. Sunburn

Valenzuela, Rubik’s

Voorhees, Dr. Jason



Wagger, Forgiveness 50-50 Larry

Watson, Walnuts Harry

Wei, Weit

Wei, Wong (aunt of JKM)

Wellsquire, Liniment (uncle of JKM)

Westphalia, White Bronco

Wexford, Carol

Whalecalves, Gulia

Whatevs, Missy

Whatnews, Horatio

What The, New Salem

Wilson, Yikers

Wish, Medusa Bride (sister-in-law of JKM)

wolves, parable of

Wonder Twins

writ of venter inspiciendo


[this portion of index intentionally left blank]


Yamamoto, Home Pro

Yellowstone, A. Bartlett

Yellowstone, Rigatoni

Yugo, Kentucky Fried


[this portion of index intentionally left blank]

[Paid advertisement: Have you thanked a cow today for being willing to be your lunch tomorrow?]

Apology to Guests from Ford’s Theatre

While researching in the Harland D. Sanders Memorial Archive and Veterinary Crematory Ovens, Justice Minotaur came across an original 19th-century document that he has asked Mr. Cornwall to transcribe here. The document is a clipping from an unknown newspaper, with the clipping done with scissors with a serrated blade. The transcript follows:


April 16, 1865

Dear Patrons and Guests of Ford’s Theatre,

We extend our sincere regrets regarding the incident that occurred in our theatre Friday evening (though we admit no culpability therein). We know that up until a quarter past ten you were enjoying a delightful evening at Our American Cousin, the fresh Tom Taylor farce that has taken the country by storm and that critics have hailed as “peerless” and “capital!”

On Tuesday, April 18, at seven o’clock p.m., the cast will complete the play from the point at which it was stopped Friday night. We shall be pleased to offer free admission to the theatre that evening for all those who can present ticket stubs from the aborted performance of the 14th. Please know that the gore in the presidential box has already been scrubbed clean.

We trust that our union will remain strong–that union of feeling always shared by the owner of a theater with its guests and patrons. To that end I remain,

John T. Ford

p.s.  It is not too late to subscribe to our summer season! And be sure to take advantage of our latest promotion: buy three summer season seats in the premium orchestra and receive a fourth for the price of a seat in the rear orchestra.


Starting Lineups

Minotaur has an old program from when he watched the New Salem Junior Musketmen square off against the Kroger (TM) Two-Alarm Chilis in a game of Tiptap. He has asked that Mr. Cornwall transcribe the “starting lineups” portion of the program on this electronic newspaper. When asked who had prevailed in the contest, Minotaur answered, “I think it was canceled after the 4th sortie on account of a heavy dew.”

Starting Lineups, June 8, 1974


Wrencher: Babi Capernaum

Ballman: Shad Chadwell

Slide Forward: Jerk Trimester

Rear Forward: Knifemike Kim

Blocker: Chastity Ralphedbraut

Gripper: Podium Welcher

Reeve: Hello Clarisse

Bugler: Sturgeon Steel, DMD

Attacking Wingback: Phred Hurtwood

Sentry A: Gordon B. Monson

Sentry B: Foreign Shears

Technician: Joseph Stalling

Fine Leg: Poinsettia Kryzmhgg-LaFleur


Wrencher: An Vernix

Ballman: Spanish R. Leaflet

Slide Forward: Southern Curves

Rear Forward: Amanda U. Self-Howitzer

Blocker: Spikes Delish

Gripper: Socrates J. C. Penney Charlemagne

Reeve: Re-order Chub

Bugler: Lt. Col. Gonzago Kissimmee

Attacking Wingback: Bert Hindenburt

Sentry A: Romeo Pork

Sentry B: CTR Dahmer

Technician: Vicky Grape Tumultuousness

Fine Leg: Ewe Woolsey


Superior Judge: Eucerin Johnson

Left Referee: Mrs. Hrothgar O. Buttars

Centerpoint: Anthony Philip Michael Thomas Hall

Outside Official: Michael Jordam

Glovemaster: Persian Bridalshiv

Roommates in the Merchant Marine

Justice Minotaur today dictated the following list of individuals who he said were his roommates when he was in the merchant marine. He also added comments on a few of the names.

Geoff Bedwetter (“In one breath, he could belch the name of everyone to ever hold the rank of brigadier general or above in the United States Army”)

Multiple Hinds

Tim Savvings and Britt Loan (“These guys were always snorkeling”)

Exile Dupree Jr.

At. Night Shiztel

Private Mike Street

Abraham Lincomb (“One of the few left-handers I remember from my 20s”)

Fragger Deficit

K. Kelly Pats

Eggy Whitewater

Seep Myerson (“I think he was probably prediabetic”)

Seep Myersworth (“Or maybe it was this guy who was prediabetic”)

Pretty Wabbit

T. Whitebone Cromulent

Kyle Sportspickle (“He was one-sixteenth Welsh, or maybe it was Chinese”)

Liberty Bell Countryman

Z. Rickymaster

Theodore Prufrock Elfwhisper III (“This dude was always getting beat up”)

[Remainder of page unintentionally left blank.]

Worthless Statistics

Justice Minotaur has just completed “an exhaustive 45-minute survey” of statistical data reported in the newspapers of New Salem “from the year 1846 to the present, not counting the newspapers Gneyburhould Gnus or The International Eye Wash Update.” He has asked that Mr. Cornwall transcribe here “the most worthless statistics” found in this study, to wit:

“Of all the fruit that might have been eaten in that old Datsun while the owner was commuting or driving around or whatever, it is really hard to imagine that any more than about half of it could have been mango.”

“0 = The number of bottles of Aleve found in the excavated ruins of the ancient citadel at Hisarlik.”

“After striking the locust 860 times with a giant pan, we observed that it was in a quite liquefied state.”

“Basically any guy you meet named Brint is a total loser.”

“7 = According to Shellby, the number of times her dad told that story about Mount St. Helen’s ‘royally blowing its top.'”

“If you have less than two blades in your secateurs, they probably aren’t going to work properly.”

“The letter ‘r” appears three times–and no more than three times–in the English word ‘railroader.'”

“100 percent of cephalectomies performed by Dr. Frowg could be described as either successful or unsuccessful, depending on what you believe they were intended to accomplish.”

“If the manager is out of town, I swear it usually takes the assistant manager like eight days longer to do anything because he is such a friggin’ idiot.”

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