Justice Minotaur’s challenge question to all applicants who apply to be an intern with the court: “Assume a stranger walked into this room. Identify for me all the days that person could have been born.”
Justice Minotaur has just completed “an exhaustive 45-minute survey” of statistical data reported in the newspapers of New Salem “from the year 1846 to the present, not counting the newspapers Gneyburhould Gnus or The International Eye Wash Update.” He has asked that Mr. Cornwall transcribe here “the most worthless statistics” found in this study, to wit:
“Of all the fruit that might have been eaten in that old Datsun while the owner was commuting or driving around or whatever, it is really hard to imagine that any more than about half of it could have been mango.”
“0 = The number of bottles of Aleve found in the excavated ruins of the ancient citadel at Hisarlik.”
“After striking the locust 860 times with a giant pan, we observed that it was in a quite liquefied state.”
“Basically any guy you meet named Brint is a total loser.”
“7 = According to Shellby, the number of times her dad told that story about Mount St. Helen’s ‘royally blowing its top.'”
“If you have less than two blades in your secateurs, they probably aren’t going to work properly.”
“The letter ‘r” appears three times–and no more than three times–in the English word ‘railroader.'”
“100 percent of cephalectomies performed by Dr. Frowg could be described as either successful or unsuccessful, depending on what you believe they were intended to accomplish.”
“If the manager is out of town, I swear it usually takes the assistant manager like eight days longer to do anything because he is such a friggin’ idiot.”
[Thinking of donating an organ today? Please click here to trigger the process.]
Justice Minotaur has asked that a report be compiled on “what in tarnation everyone on the staff is reading this summer” and that the list be published by means of this electronic bulletin. He also commanded that there be no puns used here involving the word “list,” such as “to the lists,” “the wind bloweth where it listeth,” or “checking it twice.” The report, as faithfully compiled by Mr. Cornwall while battling scurvy, follows:
Justice Korbin Minotaur, justice of the peace. Daily Nugget of Wisdom (TM) Calendar for Those with Atopic Dermatitis.
Yao Mingsley, yoghurt steward. The History of McGruff the Crime Dog They Don’t Want You to Know.
Gilded Shears, lector. Probing the Origins of Felt.
Barbie Self-Howitzer, ornatrix. Fires of Agamemnon, Volume 3, Part B: The Minced Oath. Volume 16 of The Putrescent Tube Mysteries.
Lyman Tinywatson, bailiff. The Wet Metal Bowl: How to Get More Out of Life by Imagining the Horrors of Electrocution.
Phamily Junebride, necessary woman. 1,001 Poems on Vulpicide.
Duchess Shilly Hazzard, karateka. Privy Dirt: An Oral History of New Salem’s Greatest Rock Band.
Hardwood Marx, biographer. Writing a Biography That Doesn’t Totally Suck.
Mike.jpeg Winner, internuncio. Speech of Mr. Burges, of Rhode Island, on the Motion to Strike from the General Appropriation Bill the Salary Appropriated for the Minister of Russia. Delivered in the House of Representatives, February 3, 1831.
Lemmon Khrisph, gong farmer. The Daily Use of Trust Falls as a Way to Build Deep, Abiding Trust in Families, Workplaces, Communities, and Nations.
Eric of Cornwall [listed last, per the command of Justice Minotaur], court clerk. The Bible for Left-Handed People.
[Remainder of page unintentionally left blank.]
List of lawsuits currently pending before Justice Minotaur, as reported by the court deputy clerk, Integrity Shears:
Prefontaine v. Hindenburg Motor LLC. Plaintiff alleges that self-driving automobile manufactured by defendant will drive only to Skipper’s Seafood.
Dunsinane v. Louisville Crimson Clovers LLC. Plaintiff, who attended minor league baseball game at defendant’s facility in early May, claims that outcome of between-innings race by persons in fruit costumes was predetermined.
Clark v. Simpson. Plaintiff alleges that his roommate, a young Mormon man who returned six months ago from a full-time missionary assignment in South America, “is capable of speaking perfect English but occasionally slips in Spanish words and phrases–especially ‘charlas’–when talking to girls.”
Haig v. Tiny Watson’s Mercantile LLC. Plaintiff sues on the grounds that undershorts plaintiff purchased at defendant’s general merchandise store “seem to become soggy every morning.”
Habsburg v. Hohenzollern Publishing LLC. Plaintiff alleges that denouement of novel bearing defendant’s imprint is “total downer.”
Nephilim v. Pequenos Keebleros LLC. Plaintiff, a self-described “constantly thirsty landscaper,” asks for punitive damages against the owner-operator of a soda machine that “is always out of the good kinds, leaving [plaintiff] no choice but to purchase Sierra Mist.”
Marbury v. Madison. Plaintiff brings suit in equity, seeking to ban defendant from saying “totally 90s” terms such as “Aight” and “What’s the dealio?”
Journal entry, 1 Prairial 225. Justice Minotaur added a “suggestion box” this week at chambers. The purpose of this was different than expected, however. Rather than soliciting ideas for how to improve the workplace, Minotaur instead asked people to report on the “hurtful things” that people have said to them in the office.
Minotaur spent some time today going through the submissions received so far and having what he described as “a good laugh–like back when I used to watch Milton Berle.” Minotaur reported that the following submission disturbed him somewhat, since the person submitting it “obviously could not spell his or her way out of a wet paper sack”:
“Janiss in acounting told me, ‘I learnd what kind of pen you like, and I have stoped orderring that kind.’ To get her back I wated until she was out of town for vacution and then spreadd 6,500 extralarge bags of granuular herbicid onto her lawn and plantingbeds. I had to get into my retirument acounts to pay for all the poisson.” (From “anonimous”)
[Dear reader: If you have any wounds, now would be a good time to change to a clean dressing. Also, please consider an antibiotic.]
Journal entry, 21 Floreal 225: A project that Minotaur has been working on for several years with a local hospital chain has finally born fruit. Minotaur was engaged by Tribal University Medical Facilities LLC (TM)* to advise them on the risks of installing intercom systems in their hospitals. Previously, announcements in their hospitals were made by a team of “yellers”–the term speaks for itself.
Though, as one might imagine, the issues related to this engagement were complex, most of the work ended up being on the issue of what should not be said over a hospital intercom. “Saying certain things could create a risk of a sick dude or even someone else in the joint having heart arrest, gassy innards, or super heavy breathing like on one of those Jason movies,” Minotaur explained to Mr. Cornwall one evening early in the process.
The engagement finally being concluded and Minotaur having received his consulting fee, Minotaur asked for and received permission to publicize here the final list of “Things that should NOT, repeat, NOT be said over the intercom system of any Tribal University LLC hospital or other giant building”:
“As a precautionary measure, before you go in for surgery, consider writing the word ‘NO’ on any body part you want to keep.”
“It is so crazy in here today that if you are a patient anywhere on the third floor, we are just going to call you Brent to save time.”
“Thanks to a new symbiotic relationship with Two-by-Two Veterinary Hospitals Incorporated (TM), we are pleased to be able to offer a ten percent discount on all hot entrees in the hospital cafeteria.”
“Hi. This is hospital administrator Brusher Smalls. Congratulations to the efficiency team for leading the effort to cross-train our coroners in the ER.”
“A new channel has been added to all in-room televisions. Channel 14.2 will now play an endless loop of those commercials Peter Graves did in the 80s for TRW Credentials (TM).”
“A pair of brown androgynous undershorts has made its way to the lost and found down here by patient check-in. It is probable that originally they were as white as the driven snow.”
“Surgery patients, for a fee of $120, we will be happy to cut and style your hair while you are under anesthesia.”
“Dr. Adolf Serpico to the newborn unit, Dr. Adolf Serpico.”
“It appears that the health care policies of the U.S. Republican Party have taken a step closer to becoming law.”
“The purple button on your patient bed will fold the bed up in two as if a pair of giant hands were clapped together at about 18,000 miles per hour.”
“New in the gift shop for Deceased or Maimed Soldiers Memory Week: Yogurty Pizza Bites (TM), men’s fashion earrings, and Gifted: An 882-Page Scholarly History of This Gift Shop.”
*The nomenclature here is interesting. All land where Tribal University facilities are located was stolen many years ago from local Indian tribes. This land is now owned by the University of Antwerp, New Salemite Branch. The appending of the label LLC, according to New Salem statutes, “adds credibility and both isolates and insulates the bearer from lawsuits of any kind.”
Journal entry, 18 Floreal 225: Today Justice Korbin Minotaur delivered a lyceum lecture on the assigned topic of “Surprising Insights from the History of Medicine.” The proceedings were reported by Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth by means of “text messages” sent to Mr. Cornwall, who faithfully reproduces the messages here.
Dr. M. M. Cram Napple. name is probably not familiar (admittedly a stupid name). you will hate yourself when I tell you of his fame
Man who invented idea of food in hospitals being served in tiny disposable cups
Salve was not fully understood until the mid-20th century. Previously it was valued for aesthetic purposes only
Often in the 1800s you would go to a party and they would have a jar of salve out for everyone to look at
Admittedly they did not have that many offerings for entertainment
Today we have not only have salve, but we have balm, ointments, cream
rubs, lotions, unguents, cerate, demulcent, potions, balsam
unction, compound, oil, chrism, liniment, emulsion
paste, cosmetics, jelly, preparations
We now have an emollient so strong that if you put it on your skin, it will smoke your organs to taste like roast pork
We keep trying to sneak it into Kim Jong-un’s medicine cabinet
Earliest tourniquet was little more than a cord used to tightly tie off a limb
Today if car is not working right, you might open the hood to see what is wrong
That is kind of what Egyptians did–if person was suffering of something, they would remove the head to, quote, take a look
Took 300 years to realize this was killing the person
Zero useful medical research from head-removal work—-Butcept coming up with different ways to remove the head
Surprising number of ways to remove head
[Cottonmouth dropped phone into trough of Sprite Zero–list of ways lost]
–to that list of ways what could we add today?
Think about it-think you morons
right, we could add emollient, like I said. We have emollients that could smoke your melon off your neck is no time flat
Imagine the joy of whoever the guy was who discovered the concept of the spare kidney.
he is like, holy cow, an extra one of these
is that something where you kind of keep it a secret for a while?
like, the doctor: sorry man, your kidney is totally shot
and the patient is like, I guess I am going to die then. Tell my family goodbye.
and tell the milkman I guess not to bring so much cheese.
And the doctor is like just pranking you man!!! you have got another one!!!
And the patient is like holy cow, you had me there! I had no idea I had a spare.
And the doctor is like I know right, a spare. That will be $500,000!
[Click here to have a picture of you and your junior high gym coach painted onto the side of a New York City taxi]