Memo regarding Egyptian Findings

Date: August 29, 6018 Anno Lucis

To: All Scientists and Leaders of the Known World

From: Justice Korbin Minotaur, Undisclosed Jurisdiction, New Salem

Re: Recent Egyptian Discoveries

Let it be known that I, Justice Korbin Minotaur, am prepared to drink the red skeleton juice and eat the cursed cheese to save Earth and all life thereon from imminent annihilation. Or, rather, I am ready to have my trusted scribe, Eric of Cornwall, quaff the aforementioned Pharaoh sap and consume the Luciferian dairy product so that the planet does not burst into flames reminiscent of Muspelheim.

[Remainder of page intentionally left blank by order of the associate dean.]

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Minotaur’s Shopping List

Justice Minotaur provided the following shopping list to Mr. Cornwall today:

Minotaur's shopping list

An economy we have perhaps never before seen in a shopping list.

Minotaur’s Dating Profile

Justice Minotaur became a paying customer of LoveSoHotItDisfigures.byz, an international dating website, a couple of weeks ago. Complaining that the site “has not yet delivered any quality goods,” Minotaur has asked Mr. Cornwall to post his dating profile here, in hopes of “making the pool both deeper, wider, and purer in one fell swoop.” The profile, as reproduced from the aforementioned website, follows:

About Me

Korbin Minotaur is a justice of the peace serving in Cattywampus, New Salem, an independent nation-state located within the boundaries of the Manti-LaSal National Forest in the State of Utah, United States of America. Justice Minotaur, the owner of real property in fee simple and the sire of one or more natural offspring, is the principal financier of a for-profit burro-shaving operation. He has received tributary produce from extraterrestrials on the pretense that he was a lawful agent of the president of the United States. His passions include tire-wetting chemicals and rotary jails. With the encouragement of his Minneapolis-based publisher, Justice Minotaur is preparing a pamphlet-length biography of the palmer Wilfred of Ivanhoe written in Sumerian. Earlier publication credits include Chimps I Have Sketched (Grande Comore: Subsaharan Publishers, 2001) and the experimental The Full Unwigging of Dolly Parton (Cattywampus: By the author, 2008), a collection of Petrarchan sonnets engraved in petrified biscuits.

About You

-neotenous arms

-knows rules to Six Men’s Morris

-checked for prediabetes (OK if positive, but must disclose on first date)

-doesn’t mind it if Justice Minotaur’s personal scribe is always around

-coarse hair, gray eyes, no marks or brands

Proposed New Vehicle Names

Proposed new vehicle names and pitch slogans, by Justice Korbin Minotaur*

-The Dodge Space Shuttle Challenger. Hard to explain, but imagine two mopeds riding side by side down the road, with the two riders holding either end of a broomstick.

-Do you need to haul stuff but don’t want to have the crappy mileage of a truck? The new Nissan Potoroo is for you. It’s a 3-row station wagon that comes with empty 5-gallon buckets that easily attach to (or detach from) the seats with a non-name-brand hook and loop fastener system. Buckets are great for carrying liquids, solids, or Bose-Einstein condensate. Buy before June 31st and we will give you a ton of unscreened pea gravel completely for free.

-The Prinhault Princeps. We don’t follow trends. They come so naturally to us that you can say we excrete them. All over the road.

-The Ford Limited Edition Hindenburg. The first car powered by Venusian storms.

-Capella Girlfriend Wagon. Sounds like maybe it’s targeted at a younger female audience, but it’s actually designed for guys who are dating more than one woman at the same time. Not sure where we take the concept after that.

-Munchenstein, by Munchenstein. That woodsy, is-he-or-isn’t-he scent that precedes your reputation that precedes you.**

-The Suzuki Lusitania. Five doors. Four wheels. Seats three. You do the math. Now available with a liquid-cooled vacuum flask for transporting organs.

*Written on the inside back cover of The History of the American Vice Presidency, 30 October 1912 through 4 March 1913 (Des Moines, IA: Potemkin, 1989).

**It appears this is promotional copy for a fragrance rather than a vehicle.

Idea for a Board Game

Idea for a board game, by Justice Korbin Minotaur:

There is some kind of a game board. This is not literally made of board wood. More likely it is made of paper such as cardboard, and maybe it involves plastic materials or other modern materials of some kind. It probably folds up for storage and travel.

There are several players who can play at one time–probably more than two but fewer than a thousand.

There may be some means of moving around the board. Maybe each player is symbolically represented in some way with some kind of figurine.

There may be some pretend currency with a name that harmonizes with the name of the game, such as “Cow Dollars” (in the case of a farming game) or “Liquid Dinero” (in the case of a game having to do with acquiring sufficient ink supplies for a five-color printing press in a post-gender and post-truth world).

There may be cards that are part of the game. These would probably be smaller than the size of a giraffe. They would probably have instructions or information of some kind on them–maybe announcing a penalty or reward of some kind to a player or directing some kind of action.

There may be dice or some kind of a spinner, and possibly a timer to expedite the play.

There would probably be rules about how often players can use the bathroom (to expedite play and save the host costs of toilet paper).

The game would probably involve a combination of luck and skill.

There would be some kind of object of the game and some rules for determining who was the winner of the game.

Most likely the game would not involve the open and direct worship of Satan.

While everyone else is playing I, Justice Korbin Minotaur, would be eating a bucket of chicken and drinking pancake batter through a funnel from an auto parts store.

DIY Sleeping Mat out of Rhubarb Stalks

For the benefit of DIYers everywhere–and you know who you are! (yeah, girlfriend!)–Justice Minotaur provides here instructions for making a sleeping mat out of rhubarb stalks.

First, in the late springtime, wait until the stalks are nice and long. This requires the patience of Job.

Second, using razor-sharp surgical shears heated to 500 degrees or hotter, remove as many stalks as are needed so that when they are laid one by the side of the next, it will provide a mat to fit the human or other creature who will be using the mat.

Third, prepare the stalks by removing the leaves and by explaining to the stalks their fate.

Fourth, line up the stalks next to one another and, using yarn or bailing wire or similar, fasten the stalks together using an under/over method, going longwise.

Fifth [step omitted after several DIYers following earlier version of instructions accidentally unlimbed themselves]

Sixth, since this mat will not provide much support to your back, cover the mat completely with a twin mattress.

Mat should last up to two weeks or until hunger sets in and the stalks are needed for cuisine.

Letter to Green Grocer

The Compound

June 26, 2017

Dear Mr. Vernix,

My mediocre scribe and I visited the produce section of your market, Vernix’s Grocery Enclosure, earlier this week. Your display of edible plant material, including fruits, seeds, tubers, leaves, roots, stems, flowers, and shoots, was truly remarkable, though it fell far short of being the “8th wonderment of the world,” as your published promotional material would have us believe. I noted how the artfully arranged, crisscrossing citadel of imperator carrots seemed to envy the even more Babel-like tower of red bell peppers next to it. “What the anvil? What the hammer?” I asked myself, marveling at the talents and audacity of he who had prepared this installation–a feast for the eyes but also quite practical in taking advantage of the display area. And most important, the wares were so colorful, so plump, so ripe, so moist, so crisp, so ready for consumption. As my scribe and I studied the layout and activities in this area for several hours, we noticed how every 10 minutes, as if the spinning of this giant forsaken orb depended on it, a mist began to blast forth, like the mist that rose up in Eden, the tiny drops wetting every square inch in the display area to keep the items fresh and succulent. And then in a few moments the mist shut off without the apparent agency of any man, and so cycling again and again every 10 minutes.

This state of affairs created a firm and reasonable expectation on my part that when I purchased your produce I was also obtaining a commitment and promise from the universe that this intermittent wetness would distill upon the produce wheresoever I might take it.

Imagine, therefore, my disappointment when, after I had been home with the vegetables for several hours, I did not one time see their skins magically bedewed. Your produce–that which is so precious to you and was once precious to me–is now all in a pile in my garden compost, on the fast track to achieve that atomized state that is the ultimate leveling out of all life forms.

For my misery I seek $100,000 in damages or naming rights to your new pinto.

Justice Korbin Minotaur

by hand of Eric of Cornwall