Journal Entry: On Dogs

Journal entry, 3 Prairial 226: Justice Minotaur was accosted by two dogs today while he was out in the plaza pinning up his judicial robes to dry after an accident with drinkable yogurt. He took the occasion to opine that the reason dogs like to bury bones is because “their ancestors were involved in piracy on the open seas.” One of the canines then micturated on the justice’s brogans.

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Starting Lineups

Minotaur has an old program from when he watched the New Salem Junior Musketmen square off against the Kroger (TM) Two-Alarm Chilis in a game of Tiptap. He has asked that Mr. Cornwall transcribe the “starting lineups” portion of the program on this electronic newspaper. When asked who had prevailed in the contest, Minotaur answered, “I think it was canceled after the 4th sortie on account of a heavy dew.”

Starting Lineups, June 8, 1974

NEW SALEM MUSKETMEN

Wrencher: Babi Capernaum

Ballman: Shad Chadwell

Slide Forward: Jerk Trimester

Rear Forward: Knifemike Kim

Blocker: Chastity Ralphedbraut

Gripper: Podium Welcher

Reeve: Hello Clarisse

Bugler: Sturgeon Steel, DMD

Attacking Wingback: Phred Hurtwood

Sentry A: Gordon B. Monson

Sentry B: Foreign Shears

Technician: Joseph Stalling

Fine Leg: Poinsettia Kryzmhgg-LaFleur

KROGER (TM) TWO-ALARM CHILIS

Wrencher: An Vernix

Ballman: Spanish R. Leaflet

Slide Forward: Southern Curves

Rear Forward: Amanda U. Self-Howitzer

Blocker: Spikes Delish

Gripper: Socrates J. C. Penney Charlemagne

Reeve: Re-order Chub

Bugler: Lt. Col. Gonzago Kissimmee

Attacking Wingback: Bert Hindenburt

Sentry A: Romeo Pork

Sentry B: CTR Dahmer

Technician: Vicky Grape Tumultuousness

Fine Leg: Ewe Woolsey

UMPIRING CREW

Superior Judge: Eucerin Johnson

Left Referee: Mrs. Hrothgar O. Buttars

Centerpoint: Anthony Philip Michael Thomas Hall

Outside Official: Michael Jordam

Glovemaster: Persian Bridalshiv

Roommates in the Merchant Marine

Justice Minotaur today dictated the following list of individuals who he said were his roommates when he was in the merchant marine. He also added comments on a few of the names.

Geoff Bedwetter (“In one breath, he could belch the name of everyone to ever hold the rank of brigadier general or above in the United States Army”)

Multiple Hinds

Tim Savvings and Britt Loan (“These guys were always snorkeling”)

Exile Dupree Jr.

At. Night Shiztel

Private Mike Street

Abraham Lincomb (“One of the few left-handers I remember from my 20s”)

Fragger Deficit

K. Kelly Pats

Eggy Whitewater

Seep Myerson (“I think he was probably prediabetic”)

Seep Myersworth (“Or maybe it was this guy who was prediabetic”)

Pretty Wabbit

T. Whitebone Cromulent

Kyle Sportspickle (“He was one-sixteenth Welsh, or maybe it was Chinese”)

Liberty Bell Countryman

Z. Rickymaster

Theodore Prufrock Elfwhisper III (“This dude was always getting beat up”)

[Remainder of page unintentionally left blank.]

On Prospect of Giants

Minotaur saith: “If the globe is taken over by a race of giants, they will presumably want to feed on humans. This is why I try to stay very bony–so that I am the last steak on the rack, as it were.” Further Minotaur saith not.

Karate Supplies

It looks like you will have to buy that new kongoken somewhere else.

Journal Entry: Naming Issue

Journal entry, 26 Thermidor 225 (Special Pre-Eclipse Entry): Justice Minotaur ruled on an unusual case this week in which two men sued each other under the Statute on Personal Name Conventions. Under the statute, “A man may bring criminal suit against another (and this applies to those of other genders other than the gender of ‘man’) for having a name that is misleading, wrongful, odd, or imbecilic. Any man convicted under this statute shall change his name or serve five years laying railroad track. If any two men shall sue one another under this statute in the same case, then one–and only one–must be convicted, even though both may have the most heavenly name or the most idiotic ever known in the records of man.”

The man who brought the claim was named Sweet Jackie Mango. He sued Frank Hematuria under the statute, who countersued Mango. Justice Minotaur ruled to convict Mango, on the grounds that his name “sounded like a medical condition.” When asked after the case by the bailiff to elaborate on what he meant, Minotaur stated, “I don’t know–it sounds kind of like if you ate too much mango and your insides got all jacked up.”

Chamois Area

If anyone needs to chamois anything off, please do so in the chamois area.

Story of Ram Minotaur and the Finger

Minotaur saith: “My great uncle Ram Minotaur. His boy–he was the one who died when the William P. Frye sank–had a splinter of wood, and Ram took him to Doctor McTeague. The boy was afraid it would hurt to get it out. To show how to be tough, Ram asked the doctor to clip off the tip of one of his little fingers. The doctor obliged but botched the job and instead ended up cutting off Ram’s middle finger down to the second knuckle. Ram howled like a catamount in heat and then with his bloody hand threw a punch at McTeague. McTeague blocked the blow with a cast iron instrument tray, causing further screechifying. Anyway, none of this helped the boy to like doctors anymore, and the little one went home without having his splinter fixed.” Further Minotaur saith not.