The Earliest Christmas Trees

While using his nimble toes to build a log cabin from Popsicle sticks, Justice Minotaur observed that “the earliest Christmas trees” were “little more than some kind of local conifer that after being hacked down was brought inside and decorated like an old lady.”


Journal Entry: Christmas Gifts

Journal entry, 11/23/13: In New Salem, Christmas is celebrated much as it is in the United States, except in the former a statute forbids any discussion or imagery that would lead anyone to believe that St. Nick enters the home through the chimney. The law was passed in January 1977 by the New Salem Considerable Legislative Band after an extraordinarily slender man named Txbm Smrgcrm (the only person in the history of New Salem who evidently had no vowels in his or her name) perished when he tried to play the jolly elf to his grocer’s first cousin. Smrgcrm made it down the chimney all right but had not foreseen that the family would be preparing their annual holiday breakfast over open flame.

This afternoon Justice Minotaur proposed that those in his employ or generally in his sphere of influence limit the number of Christmas gifts they give to one another. The purpose of this limitation would be to “starve to death the corrupt retail network in this region of the land, especially purveyors of citrus.” Taking tips he learned on “mommy blogs,” he proposed that each person receive only three gifts (in the following list the epicene “they” will be used):

-Something they need, preferably in the cutlery family.
-Something they hate.
-Something that makes them look fat.