Journal entry, 19 Frimaire 225: For the past three years, Minotaur has served as a volunteer associate dramaturg at the Columbia Space Shuttle Disaster Memorial Theatre in the town of Glee Falls. Yesterday he submitted to the theater director a list of “surprise twists in Shakespeare plays” that he proposes the theater incorporate next season. A true and faithful transcript of that list appears below.
SURPRISE TWISTS IN SHAKESPEARE PLAYS. DO IT–TICKET SALES WILL EXPLODE LIKE THE COLUMBIA!!!
Hamlet unwittingly dips his rapier in a magical juice rather than poison. This has the effect of giving Claudius an unshavable neck beard.
Desdemona survives and becomes a modestly successful colporteur. Serving time in jail on an attempted murder conviction, Othello tries to make it up to her by mailing her shoehorns.
Shylock is loathed not for his religion but for practicing illegal dentistry.
The “Full of vexation come I, with complaint” soliloquy is performed from a three-quarter front position. This so disturbs the audience that two intermissions are necessary, meaning we can hopefully sell out of that expired guacamole at the snack desk.
Lear goes mad in a Bed Bath & Beyond over “an excess of choices in shower curtains.”
[works with any Shakespeare play] After describing to the audience how working in local theater is anything but a realization of their dreams, the cast take Quaaludes on stage–and are eventually joined by most of the audience.
The role of Juliet is portrayed by an Alaskan Malamute. Romeo’s interest in the dog is limited to wanting to use it in medical research. When the play ends, Juliet is grilled up and served to any homeless people in the vicinity.