Journal Entry: Surprise Twists in Shakespeare Plays, Part Trois

Journal entry, 23 Frimaire 225: This web log has already been nominated for several awards for its two recent reports on Minotaur’s proposals for “Surprise Twists in Shakespeare Plays” (part 2, part 1). These awards include “Herod’s Award” and “The Yellow Cone Hat Distinction.”

Urged on by such adulation, Minotaur hereby, through his scribe Mr. Cornwall, reveals additional surprise twists in Shakespeare plays that he believes will “soon become commoner than the traditional plots and trappings themselves.”

Henry’s Crispin’s Day speech is revised as an appeal to his forces to secure their food handler’s permits before returning to England.

What is Troilus like, really? What motivates Cressida? The audience is not likely to find out, as all dialogue in the play is delivered in semaphore.

Sebastian and Viola are never reunited because the actor portraying Sebastian is trapped offstage in finger cuffs.

Dungeons & Dragons fans will love seeing Antony with a +3 vorpal axe. The experimental costumery doesn’t end there, as the whole cast wears shooter’s earmuffs for no apparent reason.

 

 

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Journal Entry: Calrissian Personal Effects

Journal entry, 2/21/14: Coroner Dr. Coriantumr Cedarbaum-Tubes returned to the compound briefly this afternoon on horseback to give Justice Minotaur the property that was on Calrissian’s person at the time of death, asking Minotaur to please convey it to next of kin or as directed under any valid will that may be found. The items consisted of the following:

-A handwritten note (still wet from gore from the “battlefield” autopsy) reading: “Rememmber to ask Dear Mother if I was breastfeeded as a infant.”
-A bootlegged DVD version of Dukes of Hazzard: Reunion! with captions in Tutuba.
-A wineskin full of twenty-sided dice, well worn.
-Tide tables to the Caspian Sea, barely legible because of gore.
-The knife O.J. Simpson used to murder Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.
-A laminated class B food handler’s permit from Barbour County, Alabama, United States of America, issued to “Baron Lando Calrissian” that expired July 14, 1998.

No clothing was provided because it had been all hacked to pieces during the autopsy.