Journal Entry: Marketing for Funeral Parlors

Journal entry, 9 Messidor 223: As evidenced in past writings, Minotaur has expertise both in marketing and speaking at funerals.

He has now combined those two passions to create a niche marketing service for funeral parlors (“with premium rates–I can already smell the money coming in!” he exclaims). He does not have any customers yet but is working on a portfolio of ideas to use in promoting his business. Most of his focus in the draft materials is on naming funeral homes–“for it is the name whereby one thing is distinguished from all others under the heavens”–and on a “strong slogan–stronger than Bunyan, if that is possible–oh, blasphemy!” Some examples of his work follow:

deadperson.biz
Putting the power of the worldwide web to work to prepare your dear ones for the “irreversible crash.”

Discount Burials
We are the first funeral home to act on the nation-state’s recent deregulation of mortician services. Not the best funeral provider in the land, but the closest thing to a backyard burial in terms of costs. An additional $7.50 off a polyester burial sack if you mention this ad.

Jackie Peterson’s Fun Centres
You have seen what we have done for this community in the roller rink business for the past two and a half years plus. Now watch we can do as we turn our prodigious attentions–and our large facility–to another vital service.

Sudden Exit Morticians
Specializing in funerals for persons and animals who die with little advance notice.

Suddenly Embalmed, a Division of Sudden Exit Morticians
We believe we are the first to look at funerals from the standpoint of the deceased. For example, what would it feel like to have cold formaldehyde, methanol, and other solvents coursing through one’s veins? We don’t want to know, so we warm all our fluids.

Valhaulers
When you are here, but your loved one died at least 3,500 miles away. You can’t afford to get there for a decent burial, but we can–and we’ll send pictures.

Journal Entry: Funeral Address

Journal entry, 7/24/14: Justice Minotaur spoke today at 2:00 a.m. at the funeral of his former law clerk Crossed Shears, who died under mysterious circumstances in a Pittsburgh-themed hotel room last weekend. Minotaur agreed to speak out of some sense of obligation toward his former employee but asked that the service be held graveside in the middle of a moonless night because of his embarrassment over the direction this promising young attorney’s career had gone in the “post-Minotaur era.” Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth reported the address in textual messages sent to Mr. Cornwall, which are faithfully reproduced below:

Dispatch 1: Shears was great grandson of Crimson Shears, man who invented first bathtub drain stop. early 20th century

Dispatch 2: Little-known fact. Bathers before this time had to continually replenish water in tub as it drained right from underneath them. Like the trials of Tantalus. This was like adding insult to injury–as they also lived before the invention of Smucker’s Uncrustables.

Dispatch 3: Crossed Shears decided to leave law to become inventor. Wanted to try to best his granddaddy I guess. Next 12 years, broke himself physically emotionally financially trying to invent device that would dispense soda lids without waste. Big obstacle=Germophobes

Dispatch 4: I would say he was an Icarus who flew too close to the sun, but in all honestly he never even got off the ground.

Dispatch 5: At end was nearly insane. Was veering toward a human solution: gloved and hairless employee handing them out at the door with surgical tongs.

Dispatch 6: Journal full of references to “the dagger or the bowl.” We will never know how he died but it is certain that he died because he is lying in that box.