Journal Entry: Daughter Naming

Journal entry, 1/20/14: Justice Minotaur saith: “I had a daughter born in Beirut. This was either around the time of the Malai Massacre or in 1985, when I first tasted the Baskin Robbins ice cream ‘Quarterback Crunch’–I do not recall. What a wonderfully clever name–the ice cream, that is. I never participated in naming her, for reasons I do not wish to get into here, but I will at least say that it involved a pair of extremely wide Adidas, a stolen van, and fourteen gallons of imported gargle. If she were to come back now, I think I would name her after a Shakespeare character or maybe a body part. I am thinking Clytemnestra Spectrum. Oh, is spectrum not a body part–and what, she is not a character of the Bard’s? OK, how about, oh, heck, I can’t think of anything. Maybe Desdemona’s Lungs.” Further Minotaur saith not.


Idea for a Movie: Notary Public

Justice Minotaur proposed the following ideas for a movie and commanded that they be recorded here.* Minotaur saith: “The first part of the film follows a man, let’s say a notary public,** as he struggles with learning how to plug in a computer. It’s a humor piece–he plugs it into the toaster, into his ear, etc. Maybe at one point he goes to a gas station to buy some gargle–you know, to break up the action a little. At about the hour mark he is felled by, say, a lightning bolt that materializes on a perfectly clear day. This character out of the way, the director is then free to explore some of her idiosyncratic theories about marine life in the Adriatic for the remaining four hours.” Further Minotaur saith not.

*The justice evidently does not intend to develop the ideas into a script or to pitch them to an agent; rather, he wants them recorded so that “when” the film is made, he can sue for treble damages on a copyright infringement action. “That it [a movie with these ideas of Minotaur’s in it] will be made is as inevitable as Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson making another lousy buddy film,” Minotaur declared.

**Minotaur said he would be open to changing the profession of this man, as long as the modifier follows the noun. For example, it would be acceptable if the man were instead an attorney general or a surgeon general.

Journal Entry: Evening with Colonel-Chef Hands

Journal entry, 9/8/13. Justice Minotaur attended a soiree this evening with celebrity chef Colonel-Chef B. M. Hands. Mr. Cornwall was invited in the capacity of a server at the meal and was assigned, much to his chagrin, to replenish gargle bottles situated around the table (Hands believes that diners should gargle between every course).

The reasons for the twin titles before Hands’s birth name (the titles are now apparently part of his official name as recorded on government records) are not entirely clear. The chef part makes enough sense, as that is his occupation. As for the colonel appellation, there is no evidence he ever served in the military. It may be that he holds honorary rank the same way Harland Sanders, founder of the oil-dipped chicken enterprise, did. It could also be that he adopted the title to emulate Sanders.

Hands’s approach at the event, as usual, was to entertain with words as well as with culinary delights. Mr. Cornwall’s duties at the repast prevented him from recording much of the discourse in detail, but he did manage to jot down a couple of gems using squeeze cheese and a borrowed napkin:

Hands on celery: “Do you know why celery is bitter? Celery is bitter because carrot gets all the attention, and celery has always known it is the better dipper.”

Hands on peanut butter and banana: “The question of peanut butter and banana is one of perspective. If you begin with peanut butter and then add banana, the peanut butter is degraded. But begin with naked banana, and you enhance it by the companionship of George Washington Carver’s invention.”

The climax of the evening was the much-anticipated reenactment of the battle at Gettysburg, which Hands portrayed with approximately a hundred bushels of asparagus (for soldiers), several skinned rabbits (for hills), and a gallon of ram’s blood (for human blood). There was awkward silence when Hands talked about the Charge of the Light Brigade as if it occurred during the American Civil War, but the guests seemed to forgive him when he argued with great logic and force that “Lee would have prevailed on the plains of the Quakers” had not Stonewall Jackson earlier “been felled like a tree before Bunyan’s ax.”