Scientifica Factualis: Gas Station Fruit

By Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth

Scientifica factualis: According to the U.S. Bureau of Gas Station Statistics, all of the gas stations in the United States of America, the nation that surrounds and makes an island of our glorious nation-state of New Salem, combined to sell twenty-seven pieces of fruit in the year ending 2013. Of those twenty-seven pieces of fruit, it is estimated that six were still fresh at the time of purchase.


Journal Entry: Hamburger Restaurant

Journal entry, 3/1/14: Justice Minotaur and Mr. Cornwall dined out this evening at a hamburger restaurant called Critterz. In an attempted to save money that backfired miserably, the two men stopped on the way to the restaurant at a gas station to have a snack and wound up purchasing the only two pieces of fruit that could be found on the premises. The total bill was $2.67 (equivalent to approximately $14.50 in American dollars).

At the restaurant, the men spent the first hour and a half acquainting themselves with the menu, which included a 167-page biography of its founder, Dwight Overlord. Chapter 12, “How to Fight a Rash with Your Bare Hands and Win,” was particularly instructive. In a corner in the back, a young man was making out with a short-haired damsel who was wearing deer antlers.

Nothing about the food itself was noteworthy, but Minotaur did observe near the end that “we have been blessed with a meal with perfect timing, including the interludes between the waiter’s visits to our table and the period between ordering the food and its arrival. It is like a dance or a concert–pace, dynamics, the caesura: all must be in perfect balance, equal parts restraint and explosion. Chronos has blessed us with his presence this evening.” The two diners left a kind note to the waiter but no tip, figuring it was better on the waiter’s morale if he believed a large tip was intended but had simply been forgotten than if a small tip were actually given.

The two men decided to go home and watch the Kenneth Branaugh version of Much Ado about Nothing on the VHS player. As the movie started, Minotaur said: “Cornwall, your watching will be on the superficial level, as you struggle to acquaint yourself with character names and the most fundamental aspects of the plot. Meanwhile, I will be comprehending the universe.”