Journal Entry: Things Said by Minotaur on Dates When He Was a Mortician’s Apprentice

Journal entry, 12 Vendémiaire 225: In conversation today with Mr. Cornwall, Justice Minotaur revealed that for a few years when he was in his 30s, he worked part time as a mortician’s apprentice for his uncle Wilma I. C. Rudolph (no relation to the well-known American sprinter). As a single man, Minotaur went on many dates during this period. Having no other form of automated transportation, he would always pick up his date in “the company hearse, which was usually white except for in the later years, after Uncle Wilma painted it bright red so that it could drive faster.” According to Minotaur, the following are actual statements he made on dates with different women during this time.

“My patient from earlier this week had the most lithe fingers, but they were much colder than yours.”

“I earnestly desire to speak tonight with your parents about the possibility of getting your entire family on the Discount Plan.”

“If we get in a really bad car wreck, the great thing is that legally the cops can just put our deceased bodies in the back of this thing and have it towed back to Uncle’s place and he can take it from there.”

“I am getting so good at my craft that I think I could do body prep blindfolded.”

“You have undoubtedly read in the papers about some of the things my brother Burgoyne did before becoming barred from the mortuary trade and eventually jailed. Sometimes I wonder if I have parts of that same monster living inside of me.”

“I feel like we owe it to our investors and employees to generate a huge profit, so that is why we are advocating to get the speed limit increased to 180 miles per hour.”

“It is almost impossible to find a drive-through restaurant that can accommodate this thing.”

“Doing work on a prior girlfriend was an experience I will not soon forget. Do you consider yourself my girlfriend?”

“When you are negotiating with someone over rates for products and services, it is a huge advantage to have their house bugged.”

“This industry can be frustrating, because if you really knock it out of the park preparing someone for burial, there is still no way that person is going to become a repeat customer.”

“I have this theory that Cain’s crime was derived from no more nor less than an understandable desire to see his brother’s inner workings. I am in this profession for a lot of those same reasons.”


Description of a Home

Justice Minotaur has always been known for his keen powers of observation. Indeed, he recently had himself genetically tested to see if he was part owl. When he was seventeen years old, he visited a Guamian cousin and in his journal left a description of the cousin’s home that is now classic. Minotaur read the description from his journal two evenings ago at Final Waterloo Assisted-Living Facility, and Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth reported the speech via text messages sent to Mr. Cornwall. The text messages are faithfully reproduced below:

Dispatch 1: “pulls journal from briefcase. has to use hand to clear some spaghetti from the top of it-apparently put spaghetti in briefcase for lunch but forgot to use tupperware”
Dispatch 2: “journal is bound in some kind of fur, possibly hare. very thin volume ,like a history of hte Grenada War. Puts on wig and starts to read. marinara sauce in wig”
Dispatch 3: “where in Hades am I? got on an airship-flew for many hours. beverage service fantastic. they call the place guam. not sure where. maybe near Toronto or possibly canada somewhere. everyone is talking english but it doesn’t sound right. no sign of red mounties. maybe on lunch break”
Dispatch 4: “ride in a crimson hearse-uncle mortician. eerie to ride lying down in back. a curly wig in here. possibly from last customer [transmission interrupted-Cottonmouth accidentally tripped by a Boy Scout practicing for ceremony to retire the colors]”
Dispatch 5: “we reached the estate. a drive that leads to the home. the home is rectangular, but not two dimensional. clearly three dimensional. i guess a cube is the right basic form”
Dispatch 6: “some kind of angular top on the cube-presumably to keep out moisture and sun, limits egress to openings in the various walls”
Dispatch 7: “not sure what home made of-cannot see the skeleton, if you will. presumably local building materials. or cannot rule out importing. maybe wood or stone, one would think. or animal bones”
Dispatch 8: “outside of home covered with stones. outside not completely covered–as mentioned, some moveable openings in walls, presumably intentoinal, to allow egress (which also necessarily means ingress)”
Dispatch 9: “some openings covered in trnaparent glass-allows looking into or out of home”
Dispatch 10: “half of home in bright orange flames.aunt running out now, screaming like banshee. well if anyone dies at least the funeral service will be covered”