Journal Entry: Neighborhood Social, Part Deux

Journal entry, 8/8/14: Yesterday Mr. Cornwall published on this blog an account of Justice Minotaur’s failed attempt to secure a full table of hors d’oeuvres for himself at a social hosted by Minotaur’s nearest neighbor. Cornwall now provides a bit more detail about the course of the melee, for the benefit of later historians. A crude sketch of the field of battle and the primary movements and positions is provided here, based on Cornwall’s memory.

Minotaur's attack and defensive positions taken by the boys of extraordinary mass, August 7, 2014.

Minotaur’s attack and defensive positions taken by the boys of extraordinary mass, August 7, 2014.

As shown on the map, Minotaur and his cadre were able to easily obtain their objectives on the east and north side of the table, but the sweeping pincer movement planned to secure the west side of the table failed. This was because insufficient men were allocated to that aspect of the attack, an excess of caution (noted in last evening’s post), and the hostess’s ability to deploy her monstrously large sons to the west of the table (that this was possible was a surprise to Minotaur, who had not calculated that the sons could enter the kitchen from the bedroom and laundry area to the west of the kitchen).

It should also be noted that when Minotaur returned home last evening, he found his gingham dickey completely stained with butterscotch sauce, adding insult to injury.

Journal Entry: Neighborhood Social

Journal entry, 8/7/14: One week ago Justice Minotaur and Mr. Cornwall were invited to a neighborhood social that was held earlier today at six p.m. To say it was a “neighborhood” social is kind of a stretch since Minotaur’s compound is isolated and surrounded by large fences, but the invitation from the closest family living nearby (a whole family of chick sexors dwelling some seventeen miles away) did somehow penetrate this fortress. As soon as he got the invitation, Minotaur asked Cornwall and two court staffers to write white papers laying out the best strategy to use when approaching the hors d’oeuvres table.

Staffer Seldom Tennis argued that it would be best to be polite and for Minotaur to wait until he was invited to partake of the food items, or at least to wait until “in the course of the evening’s normal flow, the current of humanity naturally brought him before the spread.” This approach, the author admitted, would probably leave Minotaur hungry, but the “political gains would be worth the self-deprivation.”

Staffer Alexander Hamilton Burr argued for a trick approach whereby Cornwall or another person in Minotaur’s party would feign illness or injury–“maybe even step quickly into a dark room and apply a pint of Vaseline to the eyes and come out saying something about nerve agent.” This distraction would then allow Minotaur to approach the table alone and “suck up all the provender like an aardvark.”

Cornwall advocated for a version of the Schlieffen Plan, whereby Minotaur and several men accompanying him would advance quickly on the table without warning and surround it, which would then allow them both to help themselves to the choicest offerings and to possibly barter with other guests for favorable exchanges–perhaps an unsullied mushroom polenta square could be traded for a pair of new racquetball goggles, for example.

Minotaur settled on Cornwall’s approach, perhaps only because Minotaur believes he is half-German (there is no genealogical evidence of this), and spent the rest of the week with a group of men in long planning meetings. At the fateful moment, however (as Cornwall looked on from across the room, not having been invited to participate in the attack of which he was the mastermind), Minotaur and his party approached the hors d’oeuvres table with too much caution and failed to achieve a decisive victory. This allowed the hostess to deploy her four overweight sons to take defensive positions around the table. Minotaur and his cadre were able to get several plates full of succulent victuals, but soon the humongous boys used their girth to squeeze out the invaders. The boys then surrendered the space they had won to other guests who wanted to approach the table, and Minotaur’s men withdrew in shame to the rented Winnebago they had traveled to the party in.