Journal Entry: Insights into Medical History

Journal entry, 18 Floreal 225: Today Justice Korbin Minotaur delivered a lyceum lecture on the assigned topic of “Surprising Insights from the History of Medicine.” The proceedings were reported by Lady I. Dorothy Cottonmouth by means of “text messages” sent to Mr. Cornwall, who faithfully reproduces the messages here.

Dr. M. M. Cram Napple. name is probably not familiar (admittedly a stupid name). you will hate yourself when I tell you of his fame

Man who invented idea of food in hospitals being served in tiny disposable cups

Salve was not fully understood until the mid-20th century. Previously it was valued for aesthetic purposes only

Often in the 1800s you would go to a party and they would have a jar of salve out for everyone to look at

Admittedly they did not have that many offerings for entertainment

Today we have not only have salve, but we have balm, ointments, cream

rubs, lotions, unguents, cerate, demulcent, potions, balsam

unction, compound, oil, chrism, liniment, emulsion

paste, cosmetics, jelly, preparations

We now have an emollient so strong that if you put it on your skin, it will smoke your organs to taste like roast pork

We keep trying to sneak it into Kim Jong-un’s medicine cabinet

Earliest tourniquet was little more than a cord used to tightly tie off a limb

Today if car is not working right, you might open the hood to see what is wrong

That is kind of what Egyptians did–if person was suffering of something, they would remove the head to, quote, take a look

Took 300 years to realize this was killing the person

Zero useful medical research from head-removal work—-Butcept coming up with different ways to remove the head

Surprising number of ways to remove head

[Cottonmouth dropped phone into trough of Sprite Zero–list of ways lost]

–to that list of ways what could we add today?

Think about it-think you morons

right, we could add emollient, like I said. We have emollients that could smoke your melon off your neck is no time flat

Imagine the joy of whoever the guy was who discovered the concept of the spare kidney.

he is like, holy cow, an extra one of these

is that something where you kind of keep it a secret for a while?

like, the doctor: sorry man, your kidney is totally shot

and the patient is like, I guess I am going to die then. Tell my family goodbye.

and tell the milkman I guess not to bring so much cheese.

And the doctor is like just pranking you man!!! you have got another one!!!

And the patient is like holy cow, you had me there! I had no idea I had a spare.

And the doctor is like I know right, a spare. That will be $500,000!

[Click here to have a picture of you and your junior high gym coach painted onto the side of a New York City taxi]


Journal Entry: Publisher Rejection Letters

Journal entry, 28 Messidor 223: Minotaur commanded Mr. Cornwall today to publish on this informal electronic newspaper/diary some of the “most devastating” phrases from the rejection letters Minotaur has received from publishers over the last several decades. It is unclear why Minotaur wants this done–it seems the result will be to embarrass him. Perhaps this is a way of trying to purge his demons and move on. Making the selection was difficult for Cornwall, since Minotaur has submitted thousands of manuscripts for pamphlets, monographs, novels, brochures, hymnals, anthologies, magazine and newspaper articles, broadsides, and other print media. It appears that perhaps only about five of his works have ever appeared in print (outside of published judicial opinions). In the instances where he was published, it was probably because the publisher was under the mistaken belief (probably planted by Minotaur) that Minotaur was either a justice of the United States Supreme Court or a visitor from another planet. Here, then, are some of the choicest nuggets from the huge treasure trove of rejection letters. Publisher names have not been included (Minotaur doesn’t want to alienate them, as he continues to submit several manuscripts each week).

“As a publisher of medical textbooks, we were not looking for a prequel to Beowulf.

“Unfortunately, good writing typically goes beyond making a list of verbs used in the martial arts.”

“In a 1400-page novel, we would expect more character development on the protagonist than to merely learn on page 1342 that his mother was a Nepalese anchoress. If you resubmit, please also give him a name other than Tonald Tuck–maybe it was clever the first time, but by the end of the book (really after about page 4) we wanted to kill you.”

“It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

“Your disquisition on admiralty law will probably be lost on the kindergartners to whom the book is supposedly directed.”

“You will recall that after your last submission—the daily desk calendar titled Stalin’s Breakfasts—we asked you to stop submitting to us.”

“We have reason to believe that our audience is not interested in a history of different salves.”

“It was not credible to us that your encounter with the diabetic leprechaun had actually occurred.”

“We tried your recipe for ‘hiker’s granola’ and ended up with a rapidly growing blue paste that appears to be immortal.”

Journal Entry: Minotaur Editing Sample

Journal entry, 8/19/14: From time to time Justice Minotaur is asked not to write something but to review the writing of another person. Following is a sample of Minotaur’s editing dating from the year 1998. The sample comes from a sheet of paper printed with the copy that was given to Minotaur to edit by Gutzon Borglum III, then chief executive officer of Tanamook National Forest, LLC. Minotaur’s comments, originally inscribed in enormous lime green block letters in the margins, are here rendered in italics in square brackets and situated in the passages to which they pertain. Mr. Cornwall has here faithfully reproduced the original copy and all of Minotaur’s comments thereon.

Tanamook National Forest [Minotaur note: is this honestly what the park is called? What a moronic name. Can’t we change “Tanamook” to “Brian’s” or something?] Visitations Guidebook and/or Guide

[Minotaur: map should ideally not be of folding variety, since once a map is unfolded, no one other than Isaac Newton can figure out how to fold it back up. May want to consider publishing on series of Post-It notes.]

Welcome to Manatook National Forest, LLP [Minotaur: ditto comment above re: moronicism]. We hope your family is not aten by wild animals while you recreate with ourselves. These animals are being rounded up and processed into [Minotaur: add “savory” here?] inexpensive frozen dinners as fast as humanly posible. We Hope this project will be completed by the time you next return so that this santcuary will be completely devoided of beasts & critters of any kind.

We also wish to enform you that the land you are standing on now is at issue in massive international litiggation. You may be privilleged to encounter a lawyer at any time. If this should happen, please avoid staring; simply step out of the way and allow the lawyer to carry out her or his crucial work. [Minotaur: add line also about the crucial role of judges in western civilization?]

[Minotaur note: I assume there will be a map here preceding the map key that is below? Otherwise this is more of a riddle than a guide and/or guidebook. The map should positively have one of those gauges on it whereby an inch on the map translates into twelve feet in real life, or whatever the deal is]

1; Ranger Alabama’s general store- if you’re out of savve, jerkey, hatchets, tidetables, ammo, cornea implants, or other provissions, you’ll want to stop in and replenish your stores. but if you do stop in we admonish you to try to avoid talking to Ranger Duke “One Shot, One Kill” Alabama, who has just joined us after being dismissed by the United States Navy SEALS after 18 years of service for mental instability

2– Historic Amphitheatre– This seven-seat, sap-coveredlog ampitheater was built in 1861 at the site where Stephun Memories-Pantaloon had the middle finger of his left hand bited off by a golden eagle after he made an inappropriate gesture to a pin oak.. A fortnightly pageant held yearround since 1872 butcept for during world wars reenacts this dramatic avian-human confrontation from the prespective of a prehistoric man who has been informed about the event by time travellers from the year 2218. [Minotaur note: any way we can get a colon in here somewhere? I believe that mankind evolved from the colon.]

III. Overlook Overlook– From this vantage-point on Mount Tecumseh travellers can look down upon all the overlooks they have passed by on the way up the mountain.; Visitors should be warned that this overlook offers views only of the parking areas of the other overlooks, not the actual vistas available at the other overlooks—for a single overlook that gave access to all vistas would defeat the purpose of having the other overlooks. [Minotaur: The sentiment expressed here was a key that unlocked self-understanding for me as I reviewed this. I thank the author and bless his name.]

4. Belvedere’s well: It is thought that the actor who played Mister. Belvedere in the [Minotaur: add “hilarious” here?] American sit-com of the same name pored out half of a warm creme soda on this spot

5.. Dumpster— Running out of food and money after a week in the forest? Come dive for leftovers in the world’s largest dumpster by a factor of seventy-eight. but watch out for the humongus cobras that thrive on human flesh!

5 Dunsinane’s Shack.Here you will encounter a hermitt named Keebler Dunssinane unless he has died by now. As he is both paranoide and depresed, if you get to talking to him he will undoubtfullly speculate about how your house has burned down or been covered by a mud slide while you have been away.

[page torn; remainder of copy missing]