Lesser-Known Sports Penalties

With the assistance of two shepherd-interns, Justice Korbin Minotaur is compiling a list of lesser-known sports penalties. He has commanded Mr. Cornwall to publish notes on the list (as it now stands) on this informal electronic newspaper.

Mixed Signaling. Swimming. Any swimmer who pretends to be drowning is guilty of mixed signaling. The penalized swimmer is not allowed to swing his or her arms around to “get loose” prior to his or her next race.

Rimrodding. Basketball. This penalty is assessed on the home team when, by use of official measuring devices, the referees find that the visiting team’s hoop is so small that the basketball cannot fit through it. The punishment is that all restrooms in the arena are bolted shut for the remainder of the evening.

Denuding. American football. Denuding occurs when defenders unintentionally strip an opposing player naked in an attempt to tackle him. The offending team is forced to try their next field goal from the parking lot of the nearest Renault dealership.

Outboxing. Baseball. The penalty is assessed when, during his team’s turn at bat, a base-running coach leaves the marked area to purchase concessions. The offending coach must immediately don a sailor’s uniform.

Walden Ponding. Ice hockey. This occurs when a player watching the game from the bench becomes too philosophical. The player is punished by having to play the third period with an olive on each finger.

Top 10 New Sports

The exhuming of the bones of Charlemagne would be less newsworthy.

The exhuming of the bones of Charlemagne would be less newsworthy.

Justice Minotaur has uncovered another relic of his past literary production. The document, titled “Top 10 New Sports,” was originally penned circa 1999-2001 (if we are to believe the statement he made earlier today after drinking a goblet of Mexican vanilla). He then folded the paper and placed it in the solitary pocket of a pair of bib overalls he was wearing, which at some later point he donated (without remembering the document was in them) to a costume shop that “lends dress-ups to the poor.” This morning he saw the Widow Tookerman wearing the overalls, now threadbare, and–in a brilliant epiphany–his mind was opened to remembrance. He tackled Tookerman and then, recovering his senses, helped her back to her feet and struck a bargain with her. For $100 U.S. dollars and a jar of expired bouillon cubes she agreed to surrender the garment. Two hours later she returned to the compound wearing a new Adidas track suit and presented the overalls to Minotaur. After she departed he removed the document from the pocket and examined it under bright light, finding it to be in a remarkable state of preservation. Evidently the clothing had never been laundered. Minotaur then commanded Mr. Cornwall to “publish the document on the Interwebs immediately, lest another tragedy take this from our grasp for another fifteen years.”

Those who examine the photograph of the recto of the document that is available here will note several emendations. Minotaur ordered that only the final inscriptions of the document be presented here, and that no effort be made to present false starts or cancellations. “Changing one’s mind while writing is a form of weakness,” he declared.

Top 10 New Sports*

-“Ryam Ball”–playing checkers with a blacksmith named Ryam
-“eAGLe”–living in a cave eating fish steaks
-surreptitious goat milking
-Elf butchering
-Cram our bloodhound in the drier
-How much hurt will kill?**
-the new biathalon–ice hockey and snake handling
-Coccer–same thing as soccer, but everyone’s in a car***
-“Roger”–yell “Roger!” in each other’s ears

*The list below has only nine entries. It appears quite likely by this point that Minotaur cannot count to ten, but we cannot rule out other possibilities, such as that he intended to eventually get to ten, or that his canceled entry “Cram Jenny in a locker–’nuff said” (which was probably canceled because it is highly similar to the bloodhound entry) was meant to count toward the total.
**Minotaur believes this entry on the list was contributed by his cousin Ivanhoe Half-Abram, who at the time was living in a doorless freezer chest in Minotaur’s yard.
***Cancellations here indicate that Minotaur first called this sport “Toggles” and was going to have the sport be volleyball in cars.