Journal Entry: Surprise Twists in Shakespeare Plays, Part Trois

Journal entry, 23 Frimaire 225: This web log has already been nominated for several awards for its two recent reports on Minotaur’s proposals for “Surprise Twists in Shakespeare Plays” (part 2, part 1). These awards include “Herod’s Award” and “The Yellow Cone Hat Distinction.”

Urged on by such adulation, Minotaur hereby, through his scribe Mr. Cornwall, reveals additional surprise twists in Shakespeare plays that he believes will “soon become commoner than the traditional plots and trappings themselves.”

Henry’s Crispin’s Day speech is revised as an appeal to his forces to secure their food handler’s permits before returning to England.

What is Troilus like, really? What motivates Cressida? The audience is not likely to find out, as all dialogue in the play is delivered in semaphore.

Sebastian and Viola are never reunited because the actor portraying Sebastian is trapped offstage in finger cuffs.

Dungeons & Dragons fans will love seeing Antony with a +3 vorpal axe. The experimental costumery doesn’t end there, as the whole cast wears shooter’s earmuffs for no apparent reason.

 

 

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Journal Entry: Surprise Twists in Shakespeare Plays, Part Deux

Journal entry, 22 Frimaire 225: Three days ago, this web log provided a transcript of a document in which Justice Minotaur advocated for certain “surprise twists” to be incorporated into Shakespeare’s plays for local performances. Minotaur later revealed to Mr. Cornwall over drinks (the two split a huge bottle of equine cough syrup) some additional surprise twists he “expects and trusts” will be included in next season’s line-up:

At the wedding of Kate and Petruchio, the dry remains of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton are shot into the audience by a large slingshot.

Caesar spends most of the play starching his robe and never does make it to the fateful meeting with the senators. When his ghost appears, the two talk awkwardly like exes seeing each other at a party.

Henry IV Part I is performed in utter darkness in a Volkswagen large enough only for the cast. This spares anyone from actually having to see the performance.

The hump on Richard III’s back is formed of a huge quantity of Gouda.

Once Birnam wood reaches Dunsinane, it makes an unexpected turn southwest and keeps on going clear to Costco in Glasgow.

Journal Entry: Surprise Twists in Shakespeare Plays

Journal entry, 19 Frimaire 225: For the past three years, Minotaur has served as a volunteer associate dramaturg at the Columbia Space Shuttle Disaster Memorial Theatre in the town of Glee Falls. Yesterday he submitted to the theater director a list of “surprise twists in Shakespeare plays” that he proposes the theater incorporate next season. A true and faithful transcript of that list appears below.

SURPRISE TWISTS IN SHAKESPEARE PLAYS. DO IT–TICKET SALES WILL EXPLODE LIKE THE COLUMBIA!!!

Hamlet unwittingly dips his rapier in a magical juice rather than poison. This has the effect of giving Claudius an unshavable neck beard.

Desdemona survives and becomes a modestly successful colporteur. Serving time in jail on an attempted murder conviction, Othello tries to make it up to her by mailing her shoehorns.

Shylock is loathed not for his religion but for practicing illegal dentistry.

The “Full of vexation come I, with complaint” soliloquy is performed from a three-quarter front position. This so disturbs the audience that two intermissions are necessary, meaning we can hopefully sell out of that expired guacamole at the snack desk.

Lear goes mad in a Bed Bath & Beyond over “an excess of choices in shower curtains.”

[works with any Shakespeare play] After describing to the audience how working in local theater is anything but a realization of their dreams, the cast take Quaaludes on stage–and are eventually joined by most of the audience.

The role of Juliet is portrayed by an Alaskan Malamute. Romeo’s interest in the dog is limited to wanting to use it in medical research. When the play ends, Juliet is grilled up and served to any homeless people in the vicinity.