After his early release from jail, Justice Minotaur was asked to consult on promotional material for a local bakery. In this case, the engagement went beyond publicity to a full business consultation, leading to a revamping of the menu with a focus on only cookies. As part of his work, Minotaur sent a draft of the new menu to the owners. An authentic transcript of the draft menu follows.
Mr. Big Cookie (TM)
Welcome to Mr. Big Cookie (TM), where YOU are the Big Cookie on Campus (TM). Nobody is bossing you around today! Now let’s get started!
How it works: Choose a Cookie Then Choose a Milk (TM). Don’t want a milk? Then get out of our store.
Cookies
We have given each of our cookies a person’s name. Do you see how clever that is, to imbue a lifeless, baked item with human qualities? This makes us on point, and if you buy your cookies somewhere else you are going to be left out of the popularity contest. By the way, all of the cookie names and this entire menu have preliminary trademark protection under New Salemite law.
The Pat. You know a woman named Pat. You know a man named Pat. And now you know a cookie named Pat.
Kenny. Kenny is back from a long voyage where the seas weren’t exactly calm. And did we mention cranberries?
Brahad. As in, wow, Brad (said slowly), he is something else.
The Chocolate Chip Cookie. Oh, so you noticed this one doesn’t have a person’s name. Well, aren’t you a regular Perry Mason? We used to call this one the Terri, but people would come in to the store and ask, Do you have a chocolate chip cookie? And we would say, Yes, the Terri. And they would say, OK, I will have two of your chocolate chip Terri ones. And we would say, It’s called the Terri, not chocolate chip Terri, you complete idiot. And they would say, OK, I’ll leave. And then we realized it was not helping business to keep calling it the Terri.
Mildred. She is losing her eyesight but still needs work, so please give her a second chance at interviewing for the school bus driver job. And/or lemon blueberry.
Duke of York. OK, you are going to like this one. It’s pumpkin in 12 layers of plastic wrap, so you could eat it out of a dumpster and it would still be perfectly sanitary.
Roxanne. You are probably thinking of the Police/Sting song, but we are thinking of a cookie with only two ingredients–flour and salt.
Milk
We pronounce it melk, by the way.
Pure cow. This is cow milk.
Half cow. Half cow milk + half the milk of some other four-legged mammal–depends on the season.
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Thanx! From Tihm and Leiza
Our story. No two individuals out of the estimated 100 billion to walk this earth have ever been more trendy or stylish or blessed or in love, or taken more pictures of their children in cute poses at exotic places and put them onto various social media accounts. This makes you want to buy our cookies because you get reflected light from us. Won’t you help us retire by age 28?
Minotaur Saith 