Journal Entry: Minotaurian Quiz

Journal entry, 8/31/14: Justice Minotaur has offered a quiz to the “faithful readership” of this blog. Following is a list of names. Each of these names is either: (1) the name of a paint color developed by Justice Minotaur; (2) the name of a woman Minotaur has dated; or (3) the name of a subdivision in New Salem. Answers are provided at the end of the post. The winner will be allowed to shear and then barbecue one Rambouillet sheep of his or her own choosing at Minotaur’s ranch next spring.*

Milkmoor Landing
The Band Periwinkle
D. Freshy Trollboot
Topixx at Sallymound
Merchant of Venus
OceanBree’s
Navy Doubleknot

(Answers: Milkmoor Landing was a lefthanded rodeo clown who wore only referee garb. Minotaur dated her for seventeen years. The Band Periwinkle was her sister. D. Freshy Trollboot was also a woman Minotaur dated, and he thereafter developed a paint color of the same name. He describes this color as “invoking the feeling of a depression that is lifting because of the hope for a watermelon bust.” Merchant of Venus was placed here as a trick question by Minotaur. That is actually the name of one of Minotaur’s stage dramas; in this sequel to the Merchant of Venice, Portia and Shylock escape the restrictive confines of Venice to pursue a forbidden love and then travel to Alpha Centauri to try to open a Kia dealership. Topixx at Sallymound is a hot new apartment property in Delphi, New Salem, featuring units made entirely of rope and driftwood. OceanBree’s is a paint that is perpetually moist. Navy Doubleknot is either the owner of a coin-operated laundry whom Minotaur is presently dating to try to get discounted detergent or a new type of dairy spread for bagels.)

*Winner must first produce four-generation pedigree chart for the sheep for award to be valid.

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The Earliest Trials

In teaching a pre-law course today to a group of hobos living by a Chevron dumpster, Justice Minotaur observed that “the earliest trials” were “little more than a situation where two parties advocated competing positions before an ostensibly neutral arbiter for a ruling on which claim had the most merit.”

Journal Entry: Minotaurian Riddle, and Novel Opener

Journal entry, 8/26/14: Minotaur proposed the following riddle this evening: “Two brides, two dresses, two grooms, two cakes, two bouquets, two diamond rings. What is it?” (Answer is written backwards below.)

Answer: rorrim a htiw moor a ni ecalp gnikat gniddew A

Later in the evening, after congratulating himself multiple times on “besting the Sphinx,” Minotaur started work on a novel. The first paragraph reads as follows:

“It was March, and the thoughts of all mankind—by which I mean all persons of any gender or no gender—were on spring. I also wish to exclude from ‘mankind’ here those living south of the Equator, who were presumably experiencing some other season of the year. And anyone living near the Poles is in yet another class entirely—but they do not have our pity because of their foolish choice.”

Journal Entry: Minotaur Editing Sample

Journal entry, 8/19/14: From time to time Justice Minotaur is asked not to write something but to review the writing of another person. Following is a sample of Minotaur’s editing dating from the year 1998. The sample comes from a sheet of paper printed with the copy that was given to Minotaur to edit by Gutzon Borglum III, then chief executive officer of Tanamook National Forest, LLC. Minotaur’s comments, originally inscribed in enormous lime green block letters in the margins, are here rendered in italics in square brackets and situated in the passages to which they pertain. Mr. Cornwall has here faithfully reproduced the original copy and all of Minotaur’s comments thereon.

Tanamook National Forest [Minotaur note: is this honestly what the park is called? What a moronic name. Can’t we change “Tanamook” to “Brian’s” or something?] Visitations Guidebook and/or Guide

[Minotaur: map should ideally not be of folding variety, since once a map is unfolded, no one other than Isaac Newton can figure out how to fold it back up. May want to consider publishing on series of Post-It notes.]

Welcome to Manatook National Forest, LLP [Minotaur: ditto comment above re: moronicism]. We hope your family is not aten by wild animals while you recreate with ourselves. These animals are being rounded up and processed into [Minotaur: add “savory” here?] inexpensive frozen dinners as fast as humanly posible. We Hope this project will be completed by the time you next return so that this santcuary will be completely devoided of beasts & critters of any kind.

We also wish to enform you that the land you are standing on now is at issue in massive international litiggation. You may be privilleged to encounter a lawyer at any time. If this should happen, please avoid staring; simply step out of the way and allow the lawyer to carry out her or his crucial work. [Minotaur: add line also about the crucial role of judges in western civilization?]

[Minotaur note: I assume there will be a map here preceding the map key that is below? Otherwise this is more of a riddle than a guide and/or guidebook. The map should positively have one of those gauges on it whereby an inch on the map translates into twelve feet in real life, or whatever the deal is]

1; Ranger Alabama’s general store- if you’re out of savve, jerkey, hatchets, tidetables, ammo, cornea implants, or other provissions, you’ll want to stop in and replenish your stores. but if you do stop in we admonish you to try to avoid talking to Ranger Duke “One Shot, One Kill” Alabama, who has just joined us after being dismissed by the United States Navy SEALS after 18 years of service for mental instability

2– Historic Amphitheatre– This seven-seat, sap-coveredlog ampitheater was built in 1861 at the site where Stephun Memories-Pantaloon had the middle finger of his left hand bited off by a golden eagle after he made an inappropriate gesture to a pin oak.. A fortnightly pageant held yearround since 1872 butcept for during world wars reenacts this dramatic avian-human confrontation from the prespective of a prehistoric man who has been informed about the event by time travellers from the year 2218. [Minotaur note: any way we can get a colon in here somewhere? I believe that mankind evolved from the colon.]

III. Overlook Overlook– From this vantage-point on Mount Tecumseh travellers can look down upon all the overlooks they have passed by on the way up the mountain.; Visitors should be warned that this overlook offers views only of the parking areas of the other overlooks, not the actual vistas available at the other overlooks—for a single overlook that gave access to all vistas would defeat the purpose of having the other overlooks. [Minotaur: The sentiment expressed here was a key that unlocked self-understanding for me as I reviewed this. I thank the author and bless his name.]

4. Belvedere’s well: It is thought that the actor who played Mister. Belvedere in the [Minotaur: add “hilarious” here?] American sit-com of the same name pored out half of a warm creme soda on this spot

5.. Dumpster— Running out of food and money after a week in the forest? Come dive for leftovers in the world’s largest dumpster by a factor of seventy-eight. but watch out for the humongus cobras that thrive on human flesh!

5 Dunsinane’s Shack.Here you will encounter a hermitt named Keebler Dunssinane unless he has died by now. As he is both paranoide and depresed, if you get to talking to him he will undoubtfullly speculate about how your house has burned down or been covered by a mud slide while you have been away.

[page torn; remainder of copy missing]

Journal Entry: New Paint Colors, Part Deux

8/14/14: Justice Minotaur today submitted an addendum to the list of proposed new paint colors he submitted yesterday to Kiss Hand-to-Hand Like Palmers Do Paint Manufacturers, LLC, a Guamese Company. The additional new colors, with recommended ad copy, are as follows:

Nonesuch. Join celebrated local artist Township Dill as he invites us on a whimsical journey with elves, lime rickeys, and a death mask of Ethan Allen.

#2114. This color is so unpredictable it won’t submit to taming–or naming. Let’s just say it’s where Wall Street meets Main Street meets–what?–a prediabetic gorilla.

Oh, Shamwell, You Really Are a Mouse! If you close your eyes hard enough and long enough maybe you will hear a voice. When you hear it, put one hand in the toaster and press the button down with the other.

Journal Entry: New Paint Colors

Journal entry, 8/13/14: Justice Minotaur today submitted his ideas for new paint colors to the local paint manufacturer that has retained him for this service for many years. The name of the company is fairly cumbersome: Kiss Hand-to-Hand Like Palmers Do Paint Manufacturers, LLC, a Guamese Company. Apparently the “LLC, a Guamese Company” part at the end is just part of the company name and has no legal significance. The company is actually a corporation chartered in New Salem, not a Guamese limited liability company. Roughly seventy-five percent of the paint colors offered by Kiss Hand-to-Hand (Cornwall will employ this name for short) are those suggested by Minotaur in past years. He receives no royalty but is allowed up to seventy free paint-stirring sticks per month. Minotaur promptly collects on this debt each month and has erected several dwellings for sheep entirely of this feeble and splintery wood.

Following are the paint colors Minotaur recommended today, together with the advertising copy Minotuar recommends be used to sell each color.

Apologetic Brown. Many browns we have seen are brash and in your face. Come on, we know you are brown. Enough already! Apologetic Brown from Kiss Hand-to-Hand Like Palmers Do Paint Manufacturers, LLC, a Guamese Company, says, “I know I’m brown, and I totally apologize.”

Mermaidbreath. Forbidden, hot, and maybe smells just a bit like fish. What color is it? Who cares?

Permanente. Once applied, this specially formulated paint-stain combination can never be removed or painted over, save in the event of complete incineration. Designed for use in military applications. What better way to show you conquered a people than by painting their entire city lime green? Sold in units of 100 gallons or more.

Double Black. When regular black is a complete joke.

Dolphinsafe. Part of our We Know There Is an Environment(TM) consciousness program, this paint is guaranteed to be completely free of dolphin parts. This paint is a deep crimson, speckled with pink and black—the color of gore a constant reminder that there are evil people out there murdering dolphins, and we have no association with them whatsoever.

Fantsypants. Hey, big spender, just got a big promotion? Coming in at just over $1,250 a gallon (plus annual membership dues), this paint says, I’ve arrived and I’m in a higher tax bracket than you!

Cryogen. Let’s be honest for a minute. Our lives would all be better if Walt Disney had never died. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this spectacular new paint color will go toward a fund for trying to bring Walt’s frozen head back to life.

American Moment. For those who appreciate Nana’s crisp apple pie, the sound of the pipe and drum on the Fourth of July, and having a closet full of pants in eight different sizes, take a moment to celebrate, well, the American Moment.

Freedom from Banana. Enough said.

Friday Harbor. What is Friday Harbor? That place downtown everyone gets beers after the game? A punishing exercise Coach Hardcastle uses to make everyone puke? That weird dude you saw your mom kissing? Paint a room this color and let the guessing begin!

Journal Entry: Neighborhood Social, Part Deux

Journal entry, 8/8/14: Yesterday Mr. Cornwall published on this blog an account of Justice Minotaur’s failed attempt to secure a full table of hors d’oeuvres for himself at a social hosted by Minotaur’s nearest neighbor. Cornwall now provides a bit more detail about the course of the melee, for the benefit of later historians. A crude sketch of the field of battle and the primary movements and positions is provided here, based on Cornwall’s memory.

Minotaur's attack and defensive positions taken by the boys of extraordinary mass, August 7, 2014.

Minotaur’s attack and defensive positions taken by the boys of extraordinary mass, August 7, 2014.

As shown on the map, Minotaur and his cadre were able to easily obtain their objectives on the east and north side of the table, but the sweeping pincer movement planned to secure the west side of the table failed. This was because insufficient men were allocated to that aspect of the attack, an excess of caution (noted in last evening’s post), and the hostess’s ability to deploy her monstrously large sons to the west of the table (that this was possible was a surprise to Minotaur, who had not calculated that the sons could enter the kitchen from the bedroom and laundry area to the west of the kitchen).

It should also be noted that when Minotaur returned home last evening, he found his gingham dickey completely stained with butterscotch sauce, adding insult to injury.