Journal Entry: Minotaurian Quiz

Journal entry, 8/31/14: Justice Minotaur has offered a quiz to the “faithful readership” of this blog. Following is a list of names. Each of these names is either: (1) the name of a paint color developed by Justice Minotaur; (2) the name of a woman Minotaur has dated; or (3) the name of a subdivision in New Salem. Answers are provided at the end of the post. The winner will be allowed to shear and then barbecue one Rambouillet sheep of his or her own choosing at Minotaur’s ranch next spring.*

Milkmoor Landing
The Band Periwinkle
D. Freshy Trollboot
Topixx at Sallymound
Merchant of Venus
OceanBree’s
Navy Doubleknot

(Answers: Milkmoor Landing was a lefthanded rodeo clown who wore only referee garb. Minotaur dated her for seventeen years. The Band Periwinkle was her sister. D. Freshy Trollboot was also a woman Minotaur dated, and he thereafter developed a paint color of the same name. He describes this color as “invoking the feeling of a depression that is lifting because of the hope for a watermelon bust.” Merchant of Venus was placed here as a trick question by Minotaur. That is actually the name of one of Minotaur’s stage dramas; in this sequel to the Merchant of Venice, Portia and Shylock escape the restrictive confines of Venice to pursue a forbidden love and then travel to Alpha Centauri to try to open a Kia dealership. Topixx at Sallymound is a hot new apartment property in Delphi, New Salem, featuring units made entirely of rope and driftwood. OceanBree’s is a paint that is perpetually moist. Navy Doubleknot is either the owner of a coin-operated laundry whom Minotaur is presently dating to try to get discounted detergent or a new type of dairy spread for bagels.)

*Winner must first produce four-generation pedigree chart for the sheep for award to be valid.

The Earliest Trials

In teaching a pre-law course today to a group of hobos living by a Chevron dumpster, Justice Minotaur observed that “the earliest trials” were “little more than a situation where two parties advocated competing positions before an ostensibly neutral arbiter for a ruling on which claim had the most merit.”

Journal Entry: Minotaurian Riddle, and Novel Opener

Journal entry, 8/26/14: Minotaur proposed the following riddle this evening: “Two brides, two dresses, two grooms, two cakes, two bouquets, two diamond rings. What is it?” (Answer is written backwards below.)

Answer: rorrim a htiw moor a ni ecalp gnikat gniddew A

Later in the evening, after congratulating himself multiple times on “besting the Sphinx,” Minotaur started work on a novel. The first paragraph reads as follows:

“It was March, and the thoughts of all mankind—by which I mean all persons of any gender or no gender—were on spring. I also wish to exclude from ‘mankind’ here those living south of the Equator, who were presumably experiencing some other season of the year. And anyone living near the Poles is in yet another class entirely—but they do not have our pity because of their foolish choice.”

Journal Entry: Minotaur Editing Sample

Journal entry, 8/19/14: From time to time Justice Minotaur is asked not to write something but to review the writing of another person. Following is a sample of Minotaur’s editing dating from the year 1998. The sample comes from a sheet of paper printed with the copy that was given to Minotaur to edit by Gutzon Borglum III, then chief executive officer of Tanamook National Forest, LLC. Minotaur’s comments, originally inscribed in enormous lime green block letters in the margins, are here rendered in italics in square brackets and situated in the passages to which they pertain. Mr. Cornwall has here faithfully reproduced the original copy and all of Minotaur’s comments thereon.

Tanamook National Forest [Minotaur note: is this honestly what the park is called? What a moronic name. Can’t we change “Tanamook” to “Brian’s” or something?] Visitations Guidebook and/or Guide

[Minotaur: map should ideally not be of folding variety, since once a map is unfolded, no one other than Isaac Newton can figure out how to fold it back up. May want to consider publishing on series of Post-It notes.]

Welcome to Manatook National Forest, LLP [Minotaur: ditto comment above re: moronicism]. We hope your family is not aten by wild animals while you recreate with ourselves. These animals are being rounded up and processed into [Minotaur: add “savory” here?] inexpensive frozen dinners as fast as humanly posible. We Hope this project will be completed by the time you next return so that this santcuary will be completely devoided of beasts & critters of any kind.

We also wish to enform you that the land you are standing on now is at issue in massive international litiggation. You may be privilleged to encounter a lawyer at any time. If this should happen, please avoid staring; simply step out of the way and allow the lawyer to carry out her or his crucial work. [Minotaur: add line also about the crucial role of judges in western civilization?]

[Minotaur note: I assume there will be a map here preceding the map key that is below? Otherwise this is more of a riddle than a guide and/or guidebook. The map should positively have one of those gauges on it whereby an inch on the map translates into twelve feet in real life, or whatever the deal is]

1; Ranger Alabama’s general store- if you’re out of savve, jerkey, hatchets, tidetables, ammo, cornea implants, or other provissions, you’ll want to stop in and replenish your stores. but if you do stop in we admonish you to try to avoid talking to Ranger Duke “One Shot, One Kill” Alabama, who has just joined us after being dismissed by the United States Navy SEALS after 18 years of service for mental instability

2– Historic Amphitheatre– This seven-seat, sap-coveredlog ampitheater was built in 1861 at the site where Stephun Memories-Pantaloon had the middle finger of his left hand bited off by a golden eagle after he made an inappropriate gesture to a pin oak.. A fortnightly pageant held yearround since 1872 butcept for during world wars reenacts this dramatic avian-human confrontation from the prespective of a prehistoric man who has been informed about the event by time travellers from the year 2218. [Minotaur note: any way we can get a colon in here somewhere? I believe that mankind evolved from the colon.]

III. Overlook Overlook– From this vantage-point on Mount Tecumseh travellers can look down upon all the overlooks they have passed by on the way up the mountain.; Visitors should be warned that this overlook offers views only of the parking areas of the other overlooks, not the actual vistas available at the other overlooks—for a single overlook that gave access to all vistas would defeat the purpose of having the other overlooks. [Minotaur: The sentiment expressed here was a key that unlocked self-understanding for me as I reviewed this. I thank the author and bless his name.]

4. Belvedere’s well: It is thought that the actor who played Mister. Belvedere in the [Minotaur: add “hilarious” here?] American sit-com of the same name pored out half of a warm creme soda on this spot

5.. Dumpster— Running out of food and money after a week in the forest? Come dive for leftovers in the world’s largest dumpster by a factor of seventy-eight. but watch out for the humongus cobras that thrive on human flesh!

5 Dunsinane’s Shack.Here you will encounter a hermitt named Keebler Dunssinane unless he has died by now. As he is both paranoide and depresed, if you get to talking to him he will undoubtfullly speculate about how your house has burned down or been covered by a mud slide while you have been away.

[page torn; remainder of copy missing]

Journal Entry: New Paint Colors, Part Deux

8/14/14: Justice Minotaur today submitted an addendum to the list of proposed new paint colors he submitted yesterday to Kiss Hand-to-Hand Like Palmers Do Paint Manufacturers, LLC, a Guamese Company. The additional new colors, with recommended ad copy, are as follows:

Nonesuch. Join celebrated local artist Township Dill as he invites us on a whimsical journey with elves, lime rickeys, and a death mask of Ethan Allen.

#2114. This color is so unpredictable it won’t submit to taming–or naming. Let’s just say it’s where Wall Street meets Main Street meets–what?–a prediabetic gorilla.

Oh, Shamwell, You Really Are a Mouse! If you close your eyes hard enough and long enough maybe you will hear a voice. When you hear it, put one hand in the toaster and press the button down with the other.

Journal Entry: New Paint Colors

Journal entry, 8/13/14: Justice Minotaur today submitted his ideas for new paint colors to the local paint manufacturer that has retained him for this service for many years. The name of the company is fairly cumbersome: Kiss Hand-to-Hand Like Palmers Do Paint Manufacturers, LLC, a Guamese Company. Apparently the “LLC, a Guamese Company” part at the end is just part of the company name and has no legal significance. The company is actually a corporation chartered in New Salem, not a Guamese limited liability company. Roughly seventy-five percent of the paint colors offered by Kiss Hand-to-Hand (Cornwall will employ this name for short) are those suggested by Minotaur in past years. He receives no royalty but is allowed up to seventy free paint-stirring sticks per month. Minotaur promptly collects on this debt each month and has erected several dwellings for sheep entirely of this feeble and splintery wood.

Following are the paint colors Minotaur recommended today, together with the advertising copy Minotuar recommends be used to sell each color.

Apologetic Brown. Many browns we have seen are brash and in your face. Come on, we know you are brown. Enough already! Apologetic Brown from Kiss Hand-to-Hand Like Palmers Do Paint Manufacturers, LLC, a Guamese Company, says, “I know I’m brown, and I totally apologize.”

Mermaidbreath. Forbidden, hot, and maybe smells just a bit like fish. What color is it? Who cares?

Permanente. Once applied, this specially formulated paint-stain combination can never be removed or painted over, save in the event of complete incineration. Designed for use in military applications. What better way to show you conquered a people than by painting their entire city lime green? Sold in units of 100 gallons or more.

Double Black. When regular black is a complete joke.

Dolphinsafe. Part of our We Know There Is an Environment(TM) consciousness program, this paint is guaranteed to be completely free of dolphin parts. This paint is a deep crimson, speckled with pink and black—the color of gore a constant reminder that there are evil people out there murdering dolphins, and we have no association with them whatsoever.

Fantsypants. Hey, big spender, just got a big promotion? Coming in at just over $1,250 a gallon (plus annual membership dues), this paint says, I’ve arrived and I’m in a higher tax bracket than you!

Cryogen. Let’s be honest for a minute. Our lives would all be better if Walt Disney had never died. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this spectacular new paint color will go toward a fund for trying to bring Walt’s frozen head back to life.

American Moment. For those who appreciate Nana’s crisp apple pie, the sound of the pipe and drum on the Fourth of July, and having a closet full of pants in eight different sizes, take a moment to celebrate, well, the American Moment.

Freedom from Banana. Enough said.

Friday Harbor. What is Friday Harbor? That place downtown everyone gets beers after the game? A punishing exercise Coach Hardcastle uses to make everyone puke? That weird dude you saw your mom kissing? Paint a room this color and let the guessing begin!

Journal Entry: Neighborhood Social, Part Deux

Journal entry, 8/8/14: Yesterday Mr. Cornwall published on this blog an account of Justice Minotaur’s failed attempt to secure a full table of hors d’oeuvres for himself at a social hosted by Minotaur’s nearest neighbor. Cornwall now provides a bit more detail about the course of the melee, for the benefit of later historians. A crude sketch of the field of battle and the primary movements and positions is provided here, based on Cornwall’s memory.

Minotaur’s attack and defensive positions taken by the boys of extraordinary mass, August 7, 2014.

As shown on the map, Minotaur and his cadre were able to easily obtain their objectives on the east and north side of the table, but the sweeping pincer movement planned to secure the west side of the table failed. This was because insufficient men were allocated to that aspect of the attack, an excess of caution (noted in last evening’s post), and the hostess’s ability to deploy her monstrously large sons to the west of the table (that this was possible was a surprise to Minotaur, who had not calculated that the sons could enter the kitchen from the bedroom and laundry area to the west of the kitchen).

It should also be noted that when Minotaur returned home last evening, he found his gingham dickey completely stained with butterscotch sauce, adding insult to injury.

Journal Entry: Neighborhood Social

Journal entry, 8/7/14: One week ago Justice Minotaur and Mr. Cornwall were invited to a neighborhood social that was held earlier today at six p.m. To say it was a “neighborhood” social is kind of a stretch since Minotaur’s compound is isolated and surrounded by large fences, but the invitation from the closest family living nearby (a whole family of chick sexors dwelling some seventeen miles away) did somehow penetrate this fortress. As soon as he got the invitation, Minotaur asked Cornwall and two court staffers to write white papers laying out the best strategy to use when approaching the hors d’oeuvres table.

Staffer Seldom Tennis argued that it would be best to be polite and for Minotaur to wait until he was invited to partake of the food items, or at least to wait until “in the course of the evening’s normal flow, the current of humanity naturally brought him before the spread.” This approach, the author admitted, would probably leave Minotaur hungry, but the “political gains would be worth the self-deprivation.”

Staffer Alexander Hamilton Burr argued for a trick approach whereby Cornwall or another person in Minotaur’s party would feign illness or injury–“maybe even step quickly into a dark room and apply a pint of Vaseline to the eyes and come out saying something about nerve agent.” This distraction would then allow Minotaur to approach the table alone and “suck up all the provender like an aardvark.”

Cornwall advocated for a version of the Schlieffen Plan, whereby Minotaur and several men accompanying him would advance quickly on the table without warning and surround it, which would then allow them both to help themselves to the choicest offerings and to possibly barter with other guests for favorable exchanges–perhaps an unsullied mushroom polenta square could be traded for a pair of new racquetball goggles, for example.

Minotaur settled on Cornwall’s approach, perhaps only because Minotaur believes he is half-German (there is no genealogical evidence of this), and spent the rest of the week with a group of men in long planning meetings. At the fateful moment, however (as Cornwall looked on from across the room, not having been invited to participate in the attack of which he was the mastermind), Minotaur and his party approached the hors d’oeuvres table with too much caution and failed to achieve a decisive victory. This allowed the hostess to deploy her four overweight sons to take defensive positions around the table. Minotaur and his cadre were able to get several plates full of succulent victuals, but soon the humongous boys used their girth to squeeze out the invaders. The boys then surrendered the space they had won to other guests who wanted to approach the table, and Minotaur’s men withdrew in shame to the rented Winnebago they had traveled to the party in.

Journal Entry: Bad Dream, Etc.

Journal entry, 8/4/14: Justice Minotaur woke up this morning covered in sweat, like a high school wrestler who wraps himself in Visqueen and stands in a roasting-hot vestibule in order to make weight. Minotaur reported that he had experienced horrible nightmares, fearing that he might die without ever learning what his sleep number is. Minotaur then spent the rest of the day calling people randomly out of the phone book, asking them their sleep number. One exception was when he grilled an older woman who answered the phone about her feelings on meatless lasagna. The woman said her name was Probably Treason (Minotaur asked her to fax over a birth certificate to prove it). After speaking on the phone to about two hundred individuals, Minotaur called his project a success and went around yelling out, “The mode is 54! The mode is 54!”

Around dinnertime, Mr. Cornwall was feeling ill for some reason (a porcupine-organ omelet may have had something to do with it) and spent a long time in the bathroom. Minotaur started banging on the door, threatening to issue a “certificate of occupancy” if Cornwall did not evacuate. Cornwall thought this was one of the strangest threats he had ever received.

Trip Report: New York City, Part II

Recently a report of Justice Minotaur and Mr. Cornwall’s spring 2013 tour of New York City was posted on this site. In the interval of time since then, Minotaur and Cornwall have received stinging criticism regarding the photographs posted with the story. The photographs have been described as “banal” and “lame” and “the furthest thing from useful in helping the reader appreciate the beauty and context of the sites visited.” Minotaur has responded by going into a deep depression, not unlike that suffered by canines who have discovered that the life span of a dog is about one-seventh that of a human.

Minotaur, opining that it is “regrettable but necessary that we pander to the immature tastes of those who frequent this blog, trying to bear in mind that we were all once children emotionally and intellectually,” has asked Cornwall to publish a few additional New York City photographs here. Please see below.

A female model hailing a cab in New York City after lunching with Minotaur and Cornwall and inviting them to a huge party with A-list celebrities.

This was a drunk hobo who somehow had acquired a tuxedo. Minotaur befriended him and gave him a million dollars cash.

A police horse in Central Park. Cornwall’s hand, shown here, had been full of carrots just an instant before.

Minotaur and Cornwall shared a cab with this woman, who said her name is Panoply Twig and that she is the CEO of Johnson & Johnson. She said she is a follower of this blog and checks it “about fourteen times a day” and that she will personally kill anyone who speaks critically of the blog.