Journal entry, 15 Fructidor 229: Two new janitors started their employment today at the court. In a moving ceremony conducted entirely in proto-Martian, both pledged that they would “Urgq Mymll-12 K’nr” (“follow any lawful commands even unto a most grotesque death”). Provost Dink Cattledoggie, the stronger of the two newcomers, was then assigned to clean out the guest restroom with a firehose and 45 gallons of butanone. The other tenderfoot started palpating a goat for possible bezoars.
Journal Entry: Olympic Memory
Journal entry, 5 Thermidor 2029: When asked by Mr. Cornwall this evening about any “Olympic memories” he might care to share, Justice Minotaur replied as follows:
“When I was prepubescent, we used to have competitions at a nearby ranch. These took place a few times most years, in contravention of the notion of Olympiad. One time the contest was to see who could gather the most chicken eggs. A boy from the city slew 10 hens and inspected them for eggs.
“After, we would all go to a self-serve dog wash to get clean.”
Journal Entry: Cough Syrup Problem
Journal entry, 3 Nivôse 228: Justice Minotaur received a phone call today from a sister of the Martha Washington Society. She had reason to believe he was using cough syrup to excess and committed him to sobriety. Minotaur admitted to Cornwall that he had been drinking cough syrup to quench his thirst at work because the employee infirmary is closer to his office than the drinking fountain, but Minotaur wondered who the “Benedict Arnold” was who had given his name to the temperance group. Minotaur believed the snitch might be Minestrone Jason, a man who has been teaching Minotaur trombone lessons from the back of a car. Minotaur remembered that a fortnight ago he had used cough syrup to lubricate his trombone slide.
Fun New Game
Justice Minotaur and Mr. Cornwall drove around Cattywampus tonight in a 1947 Norman Timbs Special that Minotaur had borrowed from a local group of Schwarzenau Brethren in return for a promise to rule in their favor in a pending case involving imported nog. Cornwall drove while Minotaur focused mostly on reading the latest issue of Pregnant Bride. Suddenly Minotaur closed the magazine and announced he had invented a new game.
Minotaur saith: “The new game is called Medusa. Everyone sits around saying what they remember about the mythical Gorgon queen. Someone judges whose remarks added the most to mutual clarity.”
[Click here to have local missionaries indoctrinate one of your toddlers without your knowledge.]
Cookie Situation
After his early release from jail, Justice Minotaur was asked to consult on promotional material for a local bakery. In this case, the engagement went beyond publicity to a full business consultation, leading to a revamping of the menu with a focus on only cookies. As part of his work, Minotaur sent a draft of the new menu to the owners. An authentic transcript of the draft menu follows.
Mr. Big Cookie (TM)
Welcome to Mr. Big Cookie (TM), where YOU are the Big Cookie on Campus (TM). Nobody is bossing you around today! Now let’s get started!
How it works: Choose a Cookie Then Choose a Milk (TM). Don’t want a milk? Then get out of our store.
Cookies
We have given each of our cookies a person’s name. Do you see how clever that is, to imbue a lifeless, baked item with human qualities? This makes us on point, and if you buy your cookies somewhere else you are going to be left out of the popularity contest. By the way, all of the cookie names and this entire menu have preliminary trademark protection under New Salemite law.
The Pat. You know a woman named Pat. You know a man named Pat. And now you know a cookie named Pat.
Kenny. Kenny is back from a long voyage where the seas weren’t exactly calm. And did we mention cranberries?
Brahad. As in, wow, Brad (said slowly), he is something else.
The Chocolate Chip Cookie. Oh, so you noticed this one doesn’t have a person’s name. Well, aren’t you a regular Perry Mason? We used to call this one the Terri, but people would come in to the store and ask, Do you have a chocolate chip cookie? And we would say, Yes, the Terri. And they would say, OK, I will have two of your chocolate chip Terri ones. And we would say, It’s called the Terri, not chocolate chip Terri, you complete idiot. And they would say, OK, I’ll leave. And then we realized it was not helping business to keep calling it the Terri.
Mildred. She is losing her eyesight but still needs work, so please give her a second chance at interviewing for the school bus driver job. And/or lemon blueberry.
Duke of York. OK, you are going to like this one. It’s pumpkin in 12 layers of plastic wrap, so you could eat it out of a dumpster and it would still be perfectly sanitary.
Roxanne. You are probably thinking of the Police/Sting song, but we are thinking of a cookie with only two ingredients–flour and salt.
Milk
We pronounce it melk, by the way.
Pure cow. This is cow milk.
Half cow. Half cow milk + half the milk of some other four-legged mammal–depends on the season.
* * *
Thanx! From Tihm and Leiza
Our story. No two individuals out of the estimated 100 billion to walk this earth have ever been more trendy or stylish or blessed or in love, or taken more pictures of their children in cute poses at exotic places and put them onto various social media accounts. This makes you want to buy our cookies because you get reflected light from us. Won’t you help us retire by age 28?
Journal Entry: Pickle Contest
Journal entry, 12 Thermidor 227: Justice Minotaur and Mr. Cornwall were imprisoned for the last several months for refusing to take the Pony Express rider’s pledge. They were both released early two days ago after Mr. Cornwall diagnosed the jailer with lingua villosa nigra, opening a doorway as it were to the latter’s finding relief. This morning Minotaur and Cornwall served as co-judges of the Cattywampus pickle contest. The winning variety was a Kirby Cucumber pickled by Skyler R. Gonzago, who used his acceptance speech as an opportunity to swear vile oaths against the team who developed the National Pickling Cucumber nearly a century ago.
[Click here to view government photographs of you sleeping.]
Top Commands to Alexa
Top commands given by English speakers in North America and Guam to Alexa (Amazon’s virtual digital assistant) since May 14, 2017, as reported by Justice Korbin Minotaur Worldwide Consulting and Goat Boots LLC:
“Alexa, convince my wife to stop wearing pantsuits.”
“Alexa, find out whatever channel This Is Us is on and delete the channel from my TV.”
“Alexa, call the government and change my name to Commander Ryam Wu.”
“Alexa, if someone comes in to murder me, start recording and send it to the cops.”
“I need to know something, Caroline. The way we used to be together–I don’t mean lately, but before–it was real, wasn’t it?”
“Alexa, call Murdock Plumbing and tell them we have that tee extractor set in stock. And tell Murdock he can burn in hell if he doesn’t pay for it by Friday.”
“Alexa, play a song that doesn’t royally suck.”
Memo regarding Egyptian Findings
Date: August 29, 6018 Anno Lucis
To: All Scientists and Leaders of the Known World
From: Justice Korbin Minotaur, Undisclosed Jurisdiction, New Salem
Re: Recent Egyptian Discoveries
Let it be known that I, Justice Korbin Minotaur, am prepared to drink the red skeleton juice and eat the cursed cheese to save Earth and all life thereon from imminent annihilation. Or, rather, I am ready to have my trusted scribe, Eric of Cornwall, quaff the aforementioned Pharaoh sap and consume the Luciferian dairy product so that the planet does not burst into flames reminiscent of Muspelheim.
[Remainder of page intentionally left blank by order of the associate dean.]
Journal Entry: A Fancy Dinner
Journal entry, 6 Fructidor 226: Justice Minotaur this evening hosted an elegant meal at the compound to try to buy the influence of several movers and shakers in the season leading up to elections (under New Salem law, “every judge and barrister in this land shall present himself clean shaven of face and body once every 14 years for a viva voce retention vote on the first Thor’s Day in October, at ten of the clock at the Halls of Justice and Mercy, Sponsored by Deuceman’s Fudge Byytz (TM)”). All the linens, including the toilet lid covers, were replaced with fresh cerulean offerings from Northern Epirus. The menu included skillet-cooked goat arm with beets and jelly beans, ginger-lime baby carrots hand carved like Denisovan phalanges, and key lime pie balls served in the bell of a euphonium.
Conversation was dominated by a tracklayer named Could Marry Agnes, who set forth in perfect Jerriais her views about how humans could survive long term in the hadopelagic zone. The only other guest who was able to get a word in was a wet nurse named Herodias Macbeth, who works part time for Early Shadows Hospital. She spoke proudly of the hospital’s money-back guarantee, which warrants that if “you die while getting any service, the cost of any planned future service not received is waived.”
[Click here if you want Lou Ferrigno to come to your house and beat somebody up.]
Minotaur’s Shopping List
Justice Minotaur provided the following shopping list to Mr. Cornwall today:
An economy we have perhaps never before seen in a shopping list.
Minotaur Saith 